Live to Tell My Story

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I've stopped posting on this blog, if you've failed to notice, to the point of where there's probably no one reading this at all. And that's OK. I feel like I need to do one final post, something to close off this blog. I just wouldn't feel right leaving an open end.
I could come up with a list of reasons as to why I'm done with this blog, but it all comes down to the fact that there is nothing left to say. There is no shock factor left in my eating disorder, nothing enlightening or inspirational to share with you. It's still here, pulling the same stunts it has all along. While my eating disorder has not changed, something in me has, which is another reason I'm ending this blog.
I cannot give my eating disorder this type of attention any longer. I can't let myself whine and complain, feeding into my misery. It is what it is. Saying that dealing with it sucks is an understatement, but it's reality, and my reality isn't going to be changing. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life, and in all honesty...I'm OK with that. There are still days I want to give up, some days I wish it on anyone but myself, but I was given this for a reason.
My eating disorder makes me a much stronger person. I am so much more grounded, and have an incredible amount of drive and ambition for my life. I know now of the things in life that are truly valuable to me, and I appreciate so much that others overlook. My life may have been a lot simpler without my eating disorder, and it most definitely would be easier. But this is my life now, and I need to focus on the positive.
I have been given this for a reason. I want to take what I've been through, and use it to educate and influence the lives of others. The glamor needs to be stripped away, and the truth needs to be heard.  I will suffer through, and I will survive. I am going to live to tell my story.

**In case you happen to run across this if you still check up on my blog every once in a while, I have started a new one, which I post more faithfully to - feel free to check it out http://leahevevandenbosch.blogspot.com/

Feels Like Home

I realized something as my flight was landing in New York last Monday night. Each time I come back, I feel a little more relieved. A little more comfortable, like I'm coming back to my home instead of having just left it. It am so thankful for my time in the Midwest, and it was so great to be able to catch up with loved ones, but I feel like this trip made it obvious to me that I am where I am suppose to be at this point in my life. Having that knowledge to fall back on when times get difficult for me here is priceless.

But, back to my time at home. I've had quite a few trips back in the two years I've been away, but I feel like this time was the most quality time I've spent in Iowa. I made a point to just enjoy myself and not overwhelm my schedule, but instead I savored my time with those I care about. Who, as a result, most likely had their fill of me by the end of my stay. Trips to Sioux Falls and Rochester were made, coffee dates held, belly dancing classes taken, and enough gin and tonics consumed to elect daddy as my DD. Along with the quality time I spent with loved ones, the activities I packed into my stay were enough to consider it a successful trip.

Now that I'm back on Long Island, I'm attempting to prep myself for a productive summer. I'm going to have a lot of opportunities to go out, and I'll be no stranger to the beach, but I also want to feel as though I'm accomplishing something this summer. Already keeping next semester in mind, I'm going to work on building my resume and hope to find some sort of fall internship within the editing/copy writing/publishing industry. I'm also in the process of starting another blog. I realize I fall behind with posting on the one I have, but this will be less personal and more structured than simply an online diary. It is not uncommon for employers to request writing samples, including blog posts, and I don't think I want to hand them my personal account of an eating disorder. I'll let you know when I finalize plans on the new blog, but I want to focus on independantly living in a metropolitan area, balancing work, school, and play on a budget. And I will leave no room for excuses when it comes to falling behind on posting.

I better keep on with my day. It's definitely summer weather here, and I'm less prone to hang around inside of Starbucks for longer than necessary. There is sunshine to be enjoyed.

Home

I don't know what it is about being here, but somehow every time I'm home my eating disorder is pushed into overdrive. Fighting doesn't even seem to be an option, because symptom use seems inevitable, and it's only until I'm on the plane, back to New York, that I have a shot of escape.
I'm waiting for Peaches to come home. He's one of the few I'd rather be with instead of alone right now.
I hate this. I really really hate this. It's such a simple word, but I can't think of anything else to describe it sufficiently.

I love seeing my family and friends, but every time I'm home, the fact that I do not belong here becomes more and more clear. And sometimes it hurts to feel that way.

Faithfully Me

I'm in the perfect set up - at Barnes and Noble, isolated quiet corner, chair by the window with my iced coffee on the windowsill, and they are playing the most god awful rock music I have ever heard. So close to perfection.
Speaking of being close to perfection, I am finally into my last week of classes, with another week of exams following.  I'd usually be stressed and overwhelmed at this point, but I'm actually feeling pretty relaxed about it all. I have a few final drafts due for some lengthy papers, and a couple of tests to take...but other than that, I feel most of the hard work is done. That, or I'm just growing indifferent to it all. It's been a draining semester.
I haven't posted as much as I usually do in these last few months, and much of it was to do with my ridiculous schedule and lack of effort, but there is more to it. Honestly, coming from a girl who often says too much, I didn't know what to say. It's not that I had nothing to say, but more that I didn't know how to say it. I've been through a lot of change and growth in the past few years, but I really think I learned more about myself in this past semester than I ever have before. When I began recovery, I often said I wanted to be the person I was before my eating disorder, but I realize now that is never going to happen. I don't want it to happen. Who I am today is far from who I was in high school, at USF, nannying in Merrick...even beginning at Adelphi. And I wouldn't change who I am for anything.

I've decided to drop out of the STEP program at Adelphi. I don't want to teach anymore. Honestly, I don't know if I ever really did. Though I didn't like her, my therapist at school made a valid point before I quit. I am incredibly talented at faking. Anything. I'm not proud to say it, but there's no denying it. Through all of the lies and secrecy of my eating disorder, I've trained myself to be able to say what people want to hear, whether or not it's the truth. Pick a major. What are you interested in? English. Why? Because I'm good at it. What else? Uh...I like kids. Have you ever thought about teaching? Adelphi has an amazing program that includes graduate school. Sure. Count me in.

My heart's not there. I'm not saying I'd be a bad teacher - hell, I think I'd be a great teacher. But in all honesty, I think I'd be great at a lot of things. Anyone who works hard enough can be. If I'm not passionate about it now, I'm not going to ever be. I have invested so much time and work into it, but I can't argue with my heart not being in it. I refuse to settle, this part of me will never change. My future career is no exception.
I have a plan...no worries. I'm not being completely irrational with all of this. Meetings have been scheduled, and ideas formulated, so I'll get back to you when I have a clearer description of things. I will tell you that I know I'm staying at Adelphi, keeping my English degree, and hopefully graduating next year. Please, lord.

I do have papers to work on, and this is getting lengthy, but there is something I've been dying to write about...but never sure of how to. It's sort of related to this whole "learning about myself" semester thing, so I'm just going to get it all out in one shot. Take a nap before proceeding if need be.

I was raised with the belief that faith, in general, should be the center of your life - decisions, interpretations, morals, and values being based upon it. Over this semester, I've not only realized how much truth there is to that, but how different the belief means to me now than it did growing up. I've always been open about my struggle with religious faith, and now that I've finally found peace, I'm afraid to talk about it. Going back to the people pleasing thing and saying what people want to hear...this may not be what they want to hear. But I was taught to always defend my faith; that shouldn't change just because my faith has.
I don't have all of the answers, and my arguments may prove to be pathetic against that of a knowledgeable Christian, but just as my heart is not in teaching, it's not in Christianity. I've always known it, but my knowledge in the religion kept me from accepting it. But there's nothing beneficial about being a fake Christian, correct? And that's exactly what I would be if I continued claiming the religion. I could have facts, Bible verses, and inspirational sayings shoved down my throat until the day I die, but nothing can force a belief that just is not there.
I'm not going to go completely radical on you and declare myself a Buddhist or New Ageist...let's relax. To be honest, I'm not completely sure what to believe. But I think that's OK. If the answer to all religious questioning was that obvious, everyone would believe the same thing. I remember in school, we would always question our teachers with, 'how do we know our religion is the right one?' and their responses would always center around one word - faith. Mine's not in the Christian religion, and though I know that will disappoint and upset some people, I will never apologize for it.
So what is encompassed in my faith? It's a hard question...but one I know I will have to answer. I believe everyone has a purpose in life, and there is meaning and reason behind every experience, struggle, achievement, and transformation. Life is not meant to seek answers, it is meant to be lived. Religious faith works for some, and for some it does not. Claiming to be a Christian made me miserable. That's all it comes down to. I can't even describe what it felt like the day I realized I didn't have to believe in it...it's ironic, but it sort of felt like how I always heard it described to dedicate yourself to Christ. Maybe you don't necessarily feel that way from establishing your belief in the Christian faith, but faith in general.

Like I said, I don't have all of the answers, and I may be criticized and relentlessly prayed for, but I feel as if I'm finally coming to terms with who I am and establishing my own identity. That means more to me than pretending to be who I am not. I will never apologize for it not being what someone else wants. There are so many uncertainties right now, but I feel strangely at peace with it all. I'm drained and exhausted, but I trust that everything will be OK. It always is.

Oh, Hayyy!

Remember mua?? It never fails...I go weeks without posting, spewing bull shit excuses of school, work, papers, hangovers...yet one simple act leads me back to my blog. Procrastination. Every college student should have a blog for the simple reason of procrastination - which I'd like to think is incredibly productive when practiced in this manner.
Much has happened in the last three weeks, as often is true of my lengthy hiatuses. Remember that thing called P.F. Changs that took over my life? Yeah, me neither. It just wasn't working out for me. My bank account shot up, but my mental and physical health took a turn for the worst. I was exhausted, falling behind on my school work, sleepless, and loosing weight. I'll be the first to admit I was tempted to stay in it just for the last effect...but even this weight obsessed eating disordered perfectionist knows when she's reached her limits. I felt like a failure doing it, but it just wasn't worth it to me in the end, and I need to learn when to say 'no'. So, P.F. Changs is over, I'm finally caught up on sleep, my grades are (hopefully) back on track, and I'm working hard to get my health back on the mend. Oh, stability...it's an unheard of word in my vocabulary.

Its been so long since I've consistently blogged...I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I quit the therapist I was seeing at Adelphi. I'm pretty sure last time I spoke of her I was amused at skipping our session for the simple reason of not wanting to go. I finally did give a courtesy phone call, but I never did see her again. I came to a few conclusions. One - she did hit a nerve. She brought up issues I've never really considered, much less tried to deal with, and she made me realize there's more motivating my eating disorder than initially assumed. That being said, those realizations began to strain some of the most important relationships in my life. I know there are things I need to work out; there are wounds I subconsciously refuse to let heal, but when dealing with that begins to affect others, I have to put a stop to it. And that stop, in this case, included seeing my therapist. This most likely hardly makes sense without knowing the details....but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to trust myself, and my judgment, in my recovery. I have enough of a healthy mind set to know when something is not right, as in my job at P.F. Changs, and so is the case in therapy.
I feel professional help was affective for me when I first began developing my eating disorder. I was lost and overwhelmed, and I needed answers. After over three years, I'm far from overwhelmed. In fact, I'm pretty fricken underwhelmed at what predictable ed throws at me. I know now there are no answers. The questions I ask call for solutions that don't exist. And if they somehow miraculously do, I won't find them sitting on a couch crying in a therapists office. No one is ever going to know but me. I have the tools, the "answers" to the technical questions - I'm a straight A eating disorder student. The rest is up to me.

I have so much to say today...my mind is working in overdrive. But, for now, back to my paper I go. Getting my grades back on track has proven less than thrilling, simply useful in justifying my coffee consumption.

Work Much?

I don't understand why it is, but I always seem to go through a time period of not having anything to say. No, I take that back...I always have something to say. Rather, not having anything to blog. And then there are other times when I feel like I could write a post an hour. Always one extreme or the other. Story of my life.
While a couple weeks ago I was consumed in school, I have currently been consumed in work. I don't remember if I mentioned I picked up a third job, but I did. Bills were getting tough to pay, and living in New York is definitely not cheap, so I took a job at P.F. Changs, an upscale Chinese restaurant. I just worked my first official shift as a non-trainee last night, and though the money will be better than Social, the fact that it's a corporate chain sucksss. Rules, signatures, rules, systems, rules, policy...augh. No fun. But everyone seems to be great...so far...and real work probably shouldn't be as fun as it is for me at Social, so it will do. The only really tough thing is the fact that it's actually my third job. As in I don't have a night off until next Monday...and that's only because the schedule isn't out yet. If working every single night of the week keeps up, school may be a little more difficult for me to maintain. We'll see how this goes.
I do have motivation for making money, which will hopefully keep me optimistic about all of the work hours. Abby is coming to visit over Easter, and I cannot wait to spoil her all over Long Island and the City. I have a lot planned for us, so I'm praying for my requested days off and beautiful weather. I couldn't go home over spring break like I originally planned, so I'm going to be ready to see some family by then.

There isn't really anything else significant to say. I decided the therapist was an idiot and put an end to that, and my ed has been same old with the cycles...just one of those days where I'm not in the mood to dig into it. The weather is just too beautiful and the day too busy for that.

Missing Persons Found

I've gone MIA, again, but, again, I am justified.
midterms. picking up my third job (wt%fs!#), life.


This is going to be short and sweet. I'm currently on my fifth hour in Panera. Completely milking them for their bottomless coffee. And getting dirty looks for hogging the seat by the electrical outlet. I'm in the middle of writing my third (7 page) paper for the week, so I really could not care less concerning any judgments cast on me here. Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive. And blogging.

Amidst my consumption in writing, researching, and bullshitting, I've allowed myself to facebook stalk, tweet, and now blog - all in order to maintain my mental sanity. In doing so, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend (oh my gosh I sound like I'm fifty...there's just no other way to say it, I tried.) Anyways. This friend, Paige, we go back to the beginning. We're talking Noah's Ark Preschool. Every graduation I've had, I've shared with this lady. Through the years, even when we were still in school together, we lost touch. Though we've spoken, we've rarely fully "caught up", but I feel we never lost what we shared as friends.
Paige got in touch with me tonight, asking me for my address so she could send me her wedding invitation, and I was reminded something of relationships. There were girls I was much closer to in high school, friends that know so many more details and secrets of my life. Though I have reason to consider countless friends to be much closer to me than I would Paige, I can't necessarily say that I would.
So, as I said, Paige reminded me of something tonight - knowledge I consider so comforting and invaluable.
There are some bonds that time, distance, change...life in general, cannot break. And I am so, so grateful to be able to have that to count on in my life.