lapse

I'm sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, and I'm trying to get my shit together before I go into work. I don't even know how to attempt doing this. I feel so foggy from all of the symptom use lately. My body is exhausted. My mind is working in overdrive, but I'm not able to comprehend any of it. I'm so overwhelmed, so unmotivated, so tired. I feel defeated. I've been struggling for two hours over what I should do - I know the right thing to do is to eat dinner...the next step towards beating this is eating dinner...but I can't bring myself to. He won't let me. And I hate myself for that. Ed has been so strong lately; I feel like I'm loosing my grip on reality. I don't know if I can even expect to succeed in this case, because I'm not sure success is realistic. What if there is a point of no return, and I crossed it years ago? I don't want to live like this forever, but I don't know how not to live like this either.