Logic and Sunshine

Nothing like a Sunday afternoon spent in my favorite chair in Starbucks. Looking out of the windows at the sweet 41 degree sunshine only makes me happier, anticipating my long run later on. I love glimpses of spring, as short lived as they may be.
 The break I am taking from homework has gotten quite expanded. It started as lunch, then a phone call from daddy, and quickly grew to include the commute to Starbucks, a coffee and berry coffee cake enjoyed, and e-mails answered. It has now progressed to a blog post. Have I mentioned I am a classic case of procrastination at its finest? It's OK. It's Sunday. I'm letting that be my excuse.
I don't even have any major ideas for this post today...I'm sort of just writing as it comes. Which is probably a bad plan. The words 'random' and 'confusion' immediately come to mind. Bear with me.

Actually, I do have a justification for my procrastination today. And a good one, if I do say so myself. I am desperately avoiding a binge/purge/lax. Desperately. You may not smoke, but you can imagine the anxiety one feels when craving a cigarette. I've never actually felt it myself, but from what I've heard, and what I know of my feelings now, craving a binge is quite comparable to that. My chest aches, my mind is racing, obsessed with what I crave, and my hands cannot keep still - as usual, entertaining themselves by relentlessly playing with my hair. I'm not sure what triggered my craving; it began about two hours ago. I think it may be that I ate lunch too soon...as pathetic as that sounds. But as soon as that last hard boiled egg went down, the need for Dunkin Donuts began. And not just any donut. The reverse boston creme, the strawberry frosted, the vanilla frosted, ohhh sweet lord. What I would give for a dozen of those babies right now. Hence the low fat berry coffee cake at Starbucks - I'm trying to fulfill my sweet tooth with something other than a 4,000 calorie binge. You know, the logical thing to do. But logic is a pea-sized portion of my brain right now...my eating disorder is screaming. I'm trying to repeatedly list all of the reasons not to in my head...all of the things I need to get done, could do instead. Things that will go wrong if I take time out of my busy day to do this. But none of that matters to my eating disorder. The fact that I have a work meeting tonight from 6-8 and am going out afterward doesn't count. The fact that I need to be up by 8 AM tomorrow for my first session with my new therapist (yuck) does not matter. So what if you're shitting yourself from lax then? You need to use symptoms now. Ugh. Ed. Bastard.

I'm sounding a bit nutty right now. That should have been the third word that came to mind with no plans for this post. The binge/purge/lax cycles have been coming every 3-4 days, with the in between being a ridiculously strict meal plan of all "safe" foods. I know what I'm doing wrong, I know all of the answers to fix it, but I'm too damn scared to try. Because obviously "failing" would be worse than a 4,000 calorie binge, puking all of it up, and consuming a box of laxatives. Obviously.
I hope you sense my sarcasm there.

OK. I need to take a few moments to try and get some much needed reading done, before I go on my even more much needed run. Actually, screw the reading, my mind needs the run. I'm hoping it breaks me from this consumed mental state I'm in right now...logical Leah needs a breather on this sunny Sunday afternoon.