Mundane, Comfortable Ed

If there's one thing I hate about treatment, it's starting a new therapist.
By now, recapping the last three and a half years of my life has become unemotional and a little mundane. After being out of any formal therapy for a while, I wasn't too thrilled to restart the whole process. But, behold, that's exactly where I found myself Monday morning - sitting on the all too familiar, over stuffed, out dated love seat with my pessimistic "so over this" teenage attitude. I'll be honest, the woman sounded like an idiot on the phone. Not only that - way too nice. If there's one quality I don't want my therapists/shrinks/psychologists to have, it's being nice. There is nothing nice about my eating disorder, and anyone using that approach to treat it is only going to get trampled over within the first 10 minutes of a discussion with me.
Now, after admitting all of that, I am humble enough to admit when I'm wrong - which I was in this case. Yes, she is nice, but she also pissed me off and made me cry in our first short 45 minute session. She may actually be a keeper.

I've been putting off therapy for a while now, and while I can come up with a string of legitimate excuses, there really is only one reason as to why. I just don't want to deal with it. And obviously, considering the emotional roller coaster I experienced in that short first session, "it" has gotten to be a bit much. I'm not referring to my eating disorder with "it", I deal with that on a daily basis - it's more all of the underlying issues that compel my eating disorder, the heart of it all. The motor that keeps that baby running.
It's not hard to talk about my eating disorder. Not anymore. But what I talk about, what I write about on my blog...I choose how far to go, how deep I dig into things. I never reveal out of my comfort zone. But therapy takes me to the places I don't willingly go. It forces me to look at things in ways which I've avoided. It makes me realize things I wish I wouldn't. It brings out all the emotions I've jammed away deep into the corners with my eating disorder. Things I've purposely left unwritten, unsaid, un-thought of.

I can't hide why I hurt any longer. It's only making it worse. I can't keep playing within my comfort zone. It's only letting ed stay.
I'm on my third day of symptom use cycle. You can't even imagine my last three days.
I can't hide any longer. Letting ed stay is getting so old.