Rainy Days, Cloudy Thoughts

Another thing I've learned while living in New York...they absolutely have the most disgusting winters. Ever. Especially in the last two weeks. It's been an endless cycle of rain, snow, sleet, and ice. We're presently on the rain portion of that cycle, soon to turn to sleet and ice by tonight. I am so tired of coordinating outfits with my peacock feather rain boots. I will consider this when picking out the next pattern of my rain boots. I now understand why people don't go for the more obnoxious, but still adorable, boots. They clearly have had more experience wearing them.

Though tutoring is canceled for today, class is not..as of yet, and nerdy little leah is pleased. I haven't even had my second class scheduled on Wednesdays due to weather conditions last week, and it's the class I'm most excited for, so I'm hoping to actually be able to go today. Plus, class makes me feel more productive over all, and it's safe to say I felt like a bum after last week's cancellations and delays. My schedule of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday classes is ah-mazing, but that does not mean the work load has lightened for me - I've figured that out after one week and a glance at the syllabuses. Guess it's time tone it down on the adult beverages and get back to my studious self, not always a bad thing.

So, about the last post...it's been weighing heavily on my mind. I can't tell you how many times I considered deleting it from my blog. I felt like such a horrible person for posting it, but I also felt like I needed to. It's hard for me to talk about, because the topic is so taboo with Christians. I feel as if it's one of those things everyone considers at some point, but no one dares say it for fear of being judged. But how are we ever suppose to get anywhere if we can't talk about it, right?
I've always said I know what I believe. But I think what I meant was...I know what I've been taught. I know what I'm suppose to believe. I know what the "right way" should be. But until the recent conversations I've had, I never really seriously considered the idea that we (as in Christians) could be completely off. Even in high school when someone brought it up theoretically, I felt so safe and comfortable in our small community, I never actually believed the possible situation would arise were I would seriously doubt the reality of my faith and religion. So where have I found myself after these last few days of contemplation? Well...not much further. I think I'm going to have a talk with daddy soon to help sort out my thoughts. But after a different chat with a wise-beyond-her-years lady, I was reminded of a few insightful thoughts.
Yes, God may just be an answer for some, but sometimes, that answer is what we need to pull through. I mentioned how, in recovery, an addict is instructed to look to a "higher power" to help pull them through. Though just another solution to a problem, there is a reason for this...because we need to be able to rely on some higher power to carry us when we don't feel we can carry ourselves. At this time, I really don't know if God exists...I really don't. But I do know that the God I know so much about, the one I grew up being taught to rely on, he does have the power to heal. Believing in that gives hope, and whether or not God is real, the hope He gives is, and right now I'll take it.
The more I think about the whole "Religion being a solution to a problem", the more I see its truth and logic. And the more lost and hopeless I feel. Maybe it is true...maybe Christians are actually believing in nothing, but that "nothing" helps give direction and purpose, and guides us to live a better life. So then...what's the harm? We're playing it safe with the whole heaven/hell issue, right? But if not...alright. At least we believed in something.
Ehh...I really need to speak with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

OK. I swore I would do something productive with my few extra hours in my day thanks to no tutoring, so I'm off to do just that.