Oh, Hayyy!

Remember mua?? It never fails...I go weeks without posting, spewing bull shit excuses of school, work, papers, hangovers...yet one simple act leads me back to my blog. Procrastination. Every college student should have a blog for the simple reason of procrastination - which I'd like to think is incredibly productive when practiced in this manner.
Much has happened in the last three weeks, as often is true of my lengthy hiatuses. Remember that thing called P.F. Changs that took over my life? Yeah, me neither. It just wasn't working out for me. My bank account shot up, but my mental and physical health took a turn for the worst. I was exhausted, falling behind on my school work, sleepless, and loosing weight. I'll be the first to admit I was tempted to stay in it just for the last effect...but even this weight obsessed eating disordered perfectionist knows when she's reached her limits. I felt like a failure doing it, but it just wasn't worth it to me in the end, and I need to learn when to say 'no'. So, P.F. Changs is over, I'm finally caught up on sleep, my grades are (hopefully) back on track, and I'm working hard to get my health back on the mend. Oh, stability...it's an unheard of word in my vocabulary.

Its been so long since I've consistently blogged...I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I quit the therapist I was seeing at Adelphi. I'm pretty sure last time I spoke of her I was amused at skipping our session for the simple reason of not wanting to go. I finally did give a courtesy phone call, but I never did see her again. I came to a few conclusions. One - she did hit a nerve. She brought up issues I've never really considered, much less tried to deal with, and she made me realize there's more motivating my eating disorder than initially assumed. That being said, those realizations began to strain some of the most important relationships in my life. I know there are things I need to work out; there are wounds I subconsciously refuse to let heal, but when dealing with that begins to affect others, I have to put a stop to it. And that stop, in this case, included seeing my therapist. This most likely hardly makes sense without knowing the details....but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to trust myself, and my judgment, in my recovery. I have enough of a healthy mind set to know when something is not right, as in my job at P.F. Changs, and so is the case in therapy.
I feel professional help was affective for me when I first began developing my eating disorder. I was lost and overwhelmed, and I needed answers. After over three years, I'm far from overwhelmed. In fact, I'm pretty fricken underwhelmed at what predictable ed throws at me. I know now there are no answers. The questions I ask call for solutions that don't exist. And if they somehow miraculously do, I won't find them sitting on a couch crying in a therapists office. No one is ever going to know but me. I have the tools, the "answers" to the technical questions - I'm a straight A eating disorder student. The rest is up to me.

I have so much to say today...my mind is working in overdrive. But, for now, back to my paper I go. Getting my grades back on track has proven less than thrilling, simply useful in justifying my coffee consumption.