dream it. live it.

Live to Tell My Story

2011-07-19T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I've stopped posting on this blog, if you've failed to notice, to the point of where there's probably no one reading this at all. And that's OK. I feel like I need to do one final post, something to close off this blog. I just wouldn't feel right leaving an open end.
I could come up with a list of reasons as to why I'm done with this blog, but it all comes down to the fact that there is nothing left to say. There is no shock factor left in my eating disorder, nothing enlightening or inspirational to share with you. It's still here, pulling the same stunts it has all along. While my eating disorder has not changed, something in me has, which is another reason I'm ending this blog.
I cannot give my eating disorder this type of attention any longer. I can't let myself whine and complain, feeding into my misery. It is what it is. Saying that dealing with it sucks is an understatement, but it's reality, and my reality isn't going to be changing. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life, and in all honesty...I'm OK with that. There are still days I want to give up, some days I wish it on anyone but myself, but I was given this for a reason.
My eating disorder makes me a much stronger person. I am so much more grounded, and have an incredible amount of drive and ambition for my life. I know now of the things in life that are truly valuable to me, and I appreciate so much that others overlook. My life may have been a lot simpler without my eating disorder, and it most definitely would be easier. But this is my life now, and I need to focus on the positive.
I have been given this for a reason. I want to take what I've been through, and use it to educate and influence the lives of others. The glamor needs to be stripped away, and the truth needs to be heard. I will suffer through, and I will survive. I am going to live to tell my story.

**In case you happen to run across this if you still check up on my blog every once in a while, I have started a new one, which I post more faithfully to - feel free to check it out http://leahevevandenbosch.blogspot.com/

Feels Like Home

2011-06-02T17:56:00.000-04:00

I realized something as my flight was landing in New York last Monday night. Each time I come back, I feel a little more relieved. A little more comfortable, like I'm coming back to my home instead of having just left it. It am so thankful for my time in the Midwest, and it was so great to be able to catch up with loved ones, but I feel like this trip made it obvious to me that I am where I am suppose to be at this point in my life. Having that knowledge to fall back on when times get difficult for me here is priceless.

But, back to my time at home. I've had quite a few trips back in the two years I've been away, but I feel like this time was the most quality time I've spent in Iowa. I made a point to just enjoy myself and not overwhelm my schedule, but instead I savored my time with those I care about. Who, as a result, most likely had their fill of me by the end of my stay. Trips to Sioux Falls and Rochester were made, coffee dates held, belly dancing classes taken, and enough gin and tonics consumed to elect daddy as my DD. Along with the quality time I spent with loved ones, the activities I packed into my stay were enough to consider it a successful trip.

Now that I'm back on Long Island, I'm attempting to prep myself for a productive summer. I'm going to have a lot of opportunities to go out, and I'll be no stranger to the beach, but I also want to feel as though I'm accomplishing something this summer. Already keeping next semester in mind, I'm going to work on building my resume and hope to find some sort of fall internship within the editing/copy writing/publishing industry. I'm also in the process of starting another blog. I realize I fall behind with posting on the one I have, but this will be less personal and more structured than simply an online diary. It is not uncommon for employers to request writing samples, including blog posts, and I don't think I want to hand them my personal account of an eating disorder. I'll let you know when I finalize plans on the new blog, but I want to focus on independantly living in a metropolitan area, balancing work, school, and play on a budget. And I will leave no room for excuses when it comes to falling behind on posting.

I better keep on with my day. It's definitely summer weather here, and I'm less prone to hang around inside of Starbucks for longer than necessary. There is sunshine to be enjoyed.

Home

2011-05-23T20:14:00.001-04:00

I don't know what it is about being here, but somehow every time I'm home my eating disorder is pushed into overdrive. Fighting doesn't even seem to be an option, because symptom use seems inevitable, and it's only until I'm on the plane, back to New York, that I have a shot of escape.
I'm waiting for Peaches to come home. He's one of the few I'd rather be with instead of alone right now.
I hate this. I really really hate this. It's such a simple word, but I can't think of anything else to describe it sufficiently.

I love seeing my family and friends, but every time I'm home, the fact that I do not belong here becomes more and more clear. And sometimes it hurts to feel that way.

Faithfully Me

2011-05-01T18:41:00.001-04:00

I'm in the perfect set up - at Barnes and Noble, isolated quiet corner, chair by the window with my iced coffee on the windowsill, and they are playing the most god awful rock music I have ever heard. So close to perfection.
Speaking of being close to perfection, I am finally into my last week of classes, with another week of exams following. I'd usually be stressed and overwhelmed at this point, but I'm actually feeling pretty relaxed about it all. I have a few final drafts due for some lengthy papers, and a couple of tests to take...but other than that, I feel most of the hard work is done. That, or I'm just growing indifferent to it all. It's been a draining semester.
I haven't posted as much as I usually do in these last few months, and much of it was to do with my ridiculous schedule and lack of effort, but there is more to it. Honestly, coming from a girl who often says too much, I didn't know what to say. It's not that I had nothing to say, but more that I didn't know how to say it. I've been through a lot of change and growth in the past few years, but I really think I learned more about myself in this past semester than I ever have before. When I began recovery, I often said I wanted to be the person I was before my eating disorder, but I realize now that is never going to happen. I don't want it to happen. Who I am today is far from who I was in high school, at USF, nannying in Merrick...even beginning at Adelphi. And I wouldn't change who I am for anything.

I've decided to drop out of the STEP program at Adelphi. I don't want to teach anymore. Honestly, I don't know if I ever really did. Though I didn't like her, my therapist at school made a valid point before I quit. I am incredibly talented at faking. Anything. I'm not proud to say it, but there's no denying it. Through all of the lies and secrecy of my eating disorder, I've trained myself to be able to say what people want to hear, whether or not it's the truth. Pick a major. What are you interested in? English. Why? Because I'm good at it. What else? Uh...I like kids. Have you ever thought about teaching? Adelphi has an amazing program that includes graduate school. Sure. Count me in.

My heart's not there. I'm not saying I'd be a bad teacher - hell, I think I'd be a great teacher. But in all honesty, I think I'd be great at a lot of things. Anyone who works hard enough can be. If I'm not passionate about it now, I'm not going to ever be. I have invested so much time and work into it, but I can't argue with my heart not being in it. I refuse to settle, this part of me will never change. My future career is no exception.
I have a plan...no worries. I'm not being completely irrational with all of this. Meetings have been scheduled, and ideas formulated, so I'll get back to you when I have a clearer description of things. I will tell you that I know I'm staying at Adelphi, keeping my English degree, and hopefully graduating next year. Please, lord.

I do have papers to work on, and this is getting lengthy, but there is something I've been dying to write about...but never sure of how to. It's sort of related to this whole "learning about myself" semester thing, so I'm just going to get it all out in one shot. Take a nap before proceeding if need be.

I was raised with the belief that faith, in general, should be the center of your life - decisions, interpretations, morals, and values being based upon it. Over this semester, I've not only realized how much truth there is to that, but how different the belief means to me now than it did growing up. I've always been open about my struggle with religious faith, and now that I've finally found peace, I'm afraid to talk about it. Going back to the people pleasing thing and saying what people want to hear...this may not be what they want to hear. But I was taught to always defend my faith; that shouldn't change just because my faith has.
I don't have all of the answers, and my arguments may prove to be pathetic against that of a knowledgeable Christian, but just as my heart is not in teaching, it's not in Christianity. I've always known it, but my knowledge in the religion kept me from accepting it. But there's nothing beneficial about being a fake Christian, correct? And that's exactly what I would be if I continued claiming the religion. I could have facts, Bible verses, and inspirational sayings shoved down my throat until the day I die, but nothing can force a belief that just is not there.
I'm not going to go completely radical on you and declare myself a Buddhist or New Ageist...let's relax. To be honest, I'm not completely sure what to believe. But I think that's OK. If the answer to all religious questioning was that obvious, everyone would believe the same thing. I remember in school, we would always question our teachers with, 'how do we know our religion is the right one?' and their responses would always center around one word - faith. Mine's not in the Christian religion, and though I know that will disappoint and upset some people, I will never apologize for it.
So what is encompassed in my faith? It's a hard question...but one I know I will have to answer. I believe everyone has a purpose in life, and there is meaning and reason behind every experience, struggle, achievement, and transformation. Life is not meant to seek answers, it is meant to be lived. Religious faith works for some, and for some it does not. Claiming to be a Christian made me miserable. That's all it comes down to. I can't even describe what it felt like the day I realized I didn't have to believe in it...it's ironic, but it sort of felt like how I always heard it described to dedicate yourself to Christ. Maybe you don't necessarily feel that way from establishing your belief in the Christian faith, but faith in general.

Like I said, I don't have all of the answers, and I may be criticized and relentlessly prayed for, but I feel as if I'm finally coming to terms with who I am and establishing my own identity. That means more to me than pretending to be who I am not. I will never apologize for it not being what someone else wants. There are so many uncertainties right now, but I feel strangely at peace with it all. I'm drained and exhausted, but I trust that everything will be OK. It always is.

Oh, Hayyy!

2011-04-10T16:56:00.000-04:00

Remember mua?? It never fails...I go weeks without posting, spewing bull shit excuses of school, work, papers, hangovers...yet one simple act leads me back to my blog. Procrastination. Every college student should have a blog for the simple reason of procrastination - which I'd like to think is incredibly productive when practiced in this manner.
Much has happened in the last three weeks, as often is true of my lengthy hiatuses. Remember that thing called P.F. Changs that took over my life? Yeah, me neither. It just wasn't working out for me. My bank account shot up, but my mental and physical health took a turn for the worst. I was exhausted, falling behind on my school work, sleepless, and loosing weight. I'll be the first to admit I was tempted to stay in it just for the last effect...but even this weight obsessed eating disordered perfectionist knows when she's reached her limits. I felt like a failure doing it, but it just wasn't worth it to me in the end, and I need to learn when to say 'no'. So, P.F. Changs is over, I'm finally caught up on sleep, my grades are (hopefully) back on track, and I'm working hard to get my health back on the mend. Oh, stability...it's an unheard of word in my vocabulary.

Its been so long since I've consistently blogged...I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I quit the therapist I was seeing at Adelphi. I'm pretty sure last time I spoke of her I was amused at skipping our session for the simple reason of not wanting to go. I finally did give a courtesy phone call, but I never did see her again. I came to a few conclusions. One - she did hit a nerve. She brought up issues I've never really considered, much less tried to deal with, and she made me realize there's more motivating my eating disorder than initially assumed. That being said, those realizations began to strain some of the most important relationships in my life. I know there are things I need to work out; there are wounds I subconsciously refuse to let heal, but when dealing with that begins to affect others, I have to put a stop to it. And that stop, in this case, included seeing my therapist. This most likely hardly makes sense without knowing the details....but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to trust myself, and my judgment, in my recovery. I have enough of a healthy mind set to know when something is not right, as in my job at P.F. Changs, and so is the case in therapy.
I feel professional help was affective for me when I first began developing my eating disorder. I was lost and overwhelmed, and I needed answers. After over three years, I'm far from overwhelmed. In fact, I'm pretty fricken underwhelmed at what predictable ed throws at me. I know now there are no answers. The questions I ask call for solutions that don't exist. And if they somehow miraculously do, I won't find them sitting on a couch crying in a therapists office. No one is ever going to know but me. I have the tools, the "answers" to the technical questions - I'm a straight A eating disorder student. The rest is up to me.

I have so much to say today...my mind is working in overdrive. But, for now, back to my paper I go. Getting my grades back on track has proven less than thrilling, simply useful in justifying my coffee consumption.

Work Much?

2011-03-19T09:29:00.000-04:00

I don't understand why it is, but I always seem to go through a time period of not having anything to say. No, I take that back...I always have something to say. Rather, not having anything to blog. And then there are other times when I feel like I could write a post an hour. Always one extreme or the other. Story of my life.
While a couple weeks ago I was consumed in school, I have currently been consumed in work. I don't remember if I mentioned I picked up a third job, but I did. Bills were getting tough to pay, and living in New York is definitely not cheap, so I took a job at P.F. Changs, an upscale Chinese restaurant. I just worked my first official shift as a non-trainee last night, and though the money will be better than Social, the fact that it's a corporate chain sucksss. Rules, signatures, rules, systems, rules, policy...augh. No fun. But everyone seems to be great...so far...and real work probably shouldn't be as fun as it is for me at Social, so it will do. The only really tough thing is the fact that it's actually my third job. As in I don't have a night off until next Monday...and that's only because the schedule isn't out yet. If working every single night of the week keeps up, school may be a little more difficult for me to maintain. We'll see how this goes.
I do have motivation for making money, which will hopefully keep me optimistic about all of the work hours. Abby is coming to visit over Easter, and I cannot wait to spoil her all over Long Island and the City. I have a lot planned for us, so I'm praying for my requested days off and beautiful weather. I couldn't go home over spring break like I originally planned, so I'm going to be ready to see some family by then.

There isn't really anything else significant to say. I decided the therapist was an idiot and put an end to that, and my ed has been same old with the cycles...just one of those days where I'm not in the mood to dig into it. The weather is just too beautiful and the day too busy for that.

Missing Persons Found

2011-03-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

I've gone MIA, again, but, again, I am justified.
midterms. picking up my third job (wt%fs!#), life.

This is going to be short and sweet. I'm currently on my fifth hour in Panera. Completely milking them for their bottomless coffee. And getting dirty looks for hogging the seat by the electrical outlet. I'm in the middle of writing my third (7 page) paper for the week, so I really could not care less concerning any judgments cast on me here. Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive. And blogging.

Amidst my consumption in writing, researching, and bullshitting, I've allowed myself to facebook stalk, tweet, and now blog - all in order to maintain my mental sanity. In doing so, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend (oh my gosh I sound like I'm fifty...there's just no other way to say it, I tried.) Anyways. This friend, Paige, we go back to the beginning. We're talking Noah's Ark Preschool. Every graduation I've had, I've shared with this lady. Through the years, even when we were still in school together, we lost touch. Though we've spoken, we've rarely fully "caught up", but I feel we never lost what we shared as friends.
Paige got in touch with me tonight, asking me for my address so she could send me her wedding invitation, and I was reminded something of relationships. There were girls I was much closer to in high school, friends that know so many more details and secrets of my life. Though I have reason to consider countless friends to be much closer to me than I would Paige, I can't necessarily say that I would.
So, as I said, Paige reminded me of something tonight - knowledge I consider so comforting and invaluable.
There are some bonds that time, distance, change...life in general, cannot break. And I am so, so grateful to be able to have that to count on in my life.

Coffee > Therapy

2011-03-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

I'm intentionally skipping therapy right now. Without the courtesy phone call. Booya
This is actually incredible irresponsible and a little immature of me. But, in my defense, it's not completely my fault. Sort of. My therapist decided it would be a good idea for me to go twice a week, each session at 9:00 AM. Ok...I understand in the real world, everyone is usually out of the house between 8-8:30, but in Leah land, where work keeps me til past midnight, homework can keep me up until 2, and insomnia has no time limit, 9:00 AM is not always doable. As in this morning, when I overslept until 8:45, have tutoring from 10-2, class from 2:30 to 6:30, and work from 7-til god knows when...my 9:00 therapy session just wasn't happening. I wanted my fricken oatmeal and coffee in bed.

As for the lack of courtesy call...well, that's just me being sassy.

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to go back. Yeah...I like my therapist, and it felt good to talk, but I just feel like it's going down the same path I've been on with countless other therapists. Same shit, different session. That, and sometimes it makes me feel a little more nutty than I think I am. It almost makes me think too much about things? Is that a good or a bad thing? I just don't understand how digging into my past to suddenly have a revelation about how I felt or how a certain situation affected me is going to help me with recover now. "So, such and such made me feel like a failure, so and so made me feel like I'd never be good enough, and this and that made me think I had to meet unrealistic expectations. Yay, all bettaaa!"

ugh. She's calling me. You know I just hit the ignore button. Suckaz

Alright. Enough of my childish behavior for today. I have plenty of other roles to fill. A mouthy, outspoken, stubborn teenager in need of an attitude adjustment just doesn't fit into the picture.

NEDA Week

2011-02-23T11:53:00.000-05:00

I know I've shared this video before, but it's really well made and a great reminder. It's National Eating Disorders Awareness week, and in my opinion, "fat talk" is a major contributor to eating disorders, along with being damaging to anyone in general. Take a few minutes to watch, reflect, and come to realize how powerful seemingly meaningless words could be.

Thank You, Walter

2011-02-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Time for a happy post.
I need to tell you about a moment I had today.

There are three Spanish speaking boys that come to tutoring every 6th period. Only they don't come to learn, they come to aggravate me. Interrupt my own homework session. Relentlessly correct my attempt at communicating in Spanish. Don't get me wrong, I secretly adore these boys. As much as they tease me, frustrate me, cause me headache, they are also as faithful to put a smile on my face. But, no matter how hard I try, I can never get them to actually sit down and be productive.

Today, the "chicos malos" (bad boys) as I lovingly refer to them, announced their arrival about 100 yards from the tutoring room. Yeah, they're that loud. I was determined to get at least one of them to settle down and do some work, and after a few demanding words and looks that confirmed I was serious, one of them finally plopped down next to me and opened up a book. I asked him to just read aloud to me to practice pronunciation, and after a couple of sentences, Walter was on a roll. I could sense his embarrassment and hesitation with his friends being in ear shot, but I could also see his eagerness and excitement to learn. While the other tutor was trying to maintain control of the other two chicos malos, Walter was reading. Even after his friends randomly disappeared (not uncommon), he kept going. When I asked if he wanted to take a break, he kept going. His friends would come back into the room and tease him for having to read. (Take note all of their conversation happens in Spanish, so I have to do an ridiculous amount of translating in my head...it doesn't often get me far). One thing I was able to translate though, was Walter blaming me for making him read. He didn't want to admit his desire to learn, which broke my heart, but was so understandable. Even after the teasing though, Walter picked the book back up and kept on reading. He even read past the ringing of the dismissal bell, wanting to finish up the paragraph before leaving the session. I cannot tell you how proud of Walter I was.
I am not the only one that uses nick names in tutoring, chicos malos have one for me too. "Tattoo". They are fascinated by my two tattoos, insisting on pointing to them whenever they want a new distraction. Today, instead of the expected reference of "tattoo", Walter turned to me before leaving and said, "Thank you so much Miss Leah, I hope you have a nice weekend".

This is why I tutor. And this is why I am going to teach. So I can make a difference, and hopefully help change a student's life for the better. I needed a reminder today, motivation for why I want recovery, why I need to keep going. Walter was that reminder. He not only made me incredibly proud, almost moving me to tears during his session, but he helped me remember my passion for what I want to do in life. There are many questions, many uncertainties, but when it comes to schooling and my future career - I know I am right where I need to be.

Mundane, Comfortable Ed

2011-02-16T23:58:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I hate about treatment, it's starting a new therapist.
By now, recapping the last three and a half years of my life has become unemotional and a little mundane. After being out of any formal therapy for a while, I wasn't too thrilled to restart the whole process. But, behold, that's exactly where I found myself Monday morning - sitting on the all too familiar, over stuffed, out dated love seat with my pessimistic "so over this" teenage attitude. I'll be honest, the woman sounded like an idiot on the phone. Not only that - way too nice. If there's one quality I don't want my therapists/shrinks/psychologists to have, it's being nice. There is nothing nice about my eating disorder, and anyone using that approach to treat it is only going to get trampled over within the first 10 minutes of a discussion with me.
Now, after admitting all of that, I am humble enough to admit when I'm wrong - which I was in this case. Yes, she is nice, but she also pissed me off and made me cry in our first short 45 minute session. She may actually be a keeper.

I've been putting off therapy for a while now, and while I can come up with a string of legitimate excuses, there really is only one reason as to why. I just don't want to deal with it. And obviously, considering the emotional roller coaster I experienced in that short first session, "it" has gotten to be a bit much. I'm not referring to my eating disorder with "it", I deal with that on a daily basis - it's more all of the underlying issues that compel my eating disorder, the heart of it all. The motor that keeps that baby running.
It's not hard to talk about my eating disorder. Not anymore. But what I talk about, what I write about on my blog...I choose how far to go, how deep I dig into things. I never reveal out of my comfort zone. But therapy takes me to the places I don't willingly go. It forces me to look at things in ways which I've avoided. It makes me realize things I wish I wouldn't. It brings out all the emotions I've jammed away deep into the corners with my eating disorder. Things I've purposely left unwritten, unsaid, un-thought of.

I can't hide why I hurt any longer. It's only making it worse. I can't keep playing within my comfort zone. It's only letting ed stay.
I'm on my third day of symptom use cycle. You can't even imagine my last three days.
I can't hide any longer. Letting ed stay is getting so old.

Logic and Sunshine

2011-02-13T14:26:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a Sunday afternoon spent in my favorite chair in Starbucks. Looking out of the windows at the sweet 41 degree sunshine only makes me happier, anticipating my long run later on. I love glimpses of spring, as short lived as they may be.
The break I am taking from homework has gotten quite expanded. It started as lunch, then a phone call from daddy, and quickly grew to include the commute to Starbucks, a coffee and berry coffee cake enjoyed, and e-mails answered. It has now progressed to a blog post. Have I mentioned I am a classic case of procrastination at its finest? It's OK. It's Sunday. I'm letting that be my excuse.
I don't even have any major ideas for this post today...I'm sort of just writing as it comes. Which is probably a bad plan. The words 'random' and 'confusion' immediately come to mind. Bear with me.

Actually, I do have a justification for my procrastination today. And a good one, if I do say so myself. I am desperately avoiding a binge/purge/lax. Desperately. You may not smoke, but you can imagine the anxiety one feels when craving a cigarette. I've never actually felt it myself, but from what I've heard, and what I know of my feelings now, craving a binge is quite comparable to that. My chest aches, my mind is racing, obsessed with what I crave, and my hands cannot keep still - as usual, entertaining themselves by relentlessly playing with my hair. I'm not sure what triggered my craving; it began about two hours ago. I think it may be that I ate lunch too soon...as pathetic as that sounds. But as soon as that last hard boiled egg went down, the need for Dunkin Donuts began. And not just any donut. The reverse boston creme, the strawberry frosted, the vanilla frosted, ohhh sweet lord. What I would give for a dozen of those babies right now. Hence the low fat berry coffee cake at Starbucks - I'm trying to fulfill my sweet tooth with something other than a 4,000 calorie binge. You know, the logical thing to do. But logic is a pea-sized portion of my brain right now...my eating disorder is screaming. I'm trying to repeatedly list all of the reasons not to in my head...all of the things I need to get done, could do instead. Things that will go wrong if I take time out of my busy day to do this. But none of that matters to my eating disorder. The fact that I have a work meeting tonight from 6-8 and am going out afterward doesn't count. The fact that I need to be up by 8 AM tomorrow for my first session with my new therapist (yuck) does not matter. So what if you're shitting yourself from lax then? You need to use symptoms now. Ugh. Ed. Bastard.

I'm sounding a bit nutty right now. That should have been the third word that came to mind with no plans for this post. The binge/purge/lax cycles have been coming every 3-4 days, with the in between being a ridiculously strict meal plan of all "safe" foods. I know what I'm doing wrong, I know all of the answers to fix it, but I'm too damn scared to try. Because obviously "failing" would be worse than a 4,000 calorie binge, puking all of it up, and consuming a box of laxatives. Obviously.
I hope you sense my sarcasm there.

OK. I need to take a few moments to try and get some much needed reading done, before I go on my even more much needed run. Actually, screw the reading, my mind needs the run. I'm hoping it breaks me from this consumed mental state I'm in right now...logical Leah needs a breather on this sunny Sunday afternoon.

Rainy Days, Cloudy Thoughts

2011-02-02T10:07:00.001-05:00

Another thing I've learned while living in New York...they absolutely have the most disgusting winters. Ever. Especially in the last two weeks. It's been an endless cycle of rain, snow, sleet, and ice. We're presently on the rain portion of that cycle, soon to turn to sleet and ice by tonight. I am so tired of coordinating outfits with my peacock feather rain boots. I will consider this when picking out the next pattern of my rain boots. I now understand why people don't go for the more obnoxious, but still adorable, boots. They clearly have had more experience wearing them.

Though tutoring is canceled for today, class is not..as of yet, and nerdy little leah is pleased. I haven't even had my second class scheduled on Wednesdays due to weather conditions last week, and it's the class I'm most excited for, so I'm hoping to actually be able to go today. Plus, class makes me feel more productive over all, and it's safe to say I felt like a bum after last week's cancellations and delays. My schedule of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday classes is ah-mazing, but that does not mean the work load has lightened for me - I've figured that out after one week and a glance at the syllabuses. Guess it's time tone it down on the adult beverages and get back to my studious self, not always a bad thing.

So, about the last post...it's been weighing heavily on my mind. I can't tell you how many times I considered deleting it from my blog. I felt like such a horrible person for posting it, but I also felt like I needed to. It's hard for me to talk about, because the topic is so taboo with Christians. I feel as if it's one of those things everyone considers at some point, but no one dares say it for fear of being judged. But how are we ever suppose to get anywhere if we can't talk about it, right?
I've always said I know what I believe. But I think what I meant was...I know what I've been taught. I know what I'm suppose to believe. I know what the "right way" should be. But until the recent conversations I've had, I never really seriously considered the idea that we (as in Christians) could be completely off. Even in high school when someone brought it up theoretically, I felt so safe and comfortable in our small community, I never actually believed the possible situation would arise were I would seriously doubt the reality of my faith and religion. So where have I found myself after these last few days of contemplation? Well...not much further. I think I'm going to have a talk with daddy soon to help sort out my thoughts. But after a different chat with a wise-beyond-her-years lady, I was reminded of a few insightful thoughts.
Yes, God may just be an answer for some, but sometimes, that answer is what we need to pull through. I mentioned how, in recovery, an addict is instructed to look to a "higher power" to help pull them through. Though just another solution to a problem, there is a reason for this...because we need to be able to rely on some higher power to carry us when we don't feel we can carry ourselves. At this time, I really don't know if God exists...I really don't. But I do know that the God I know so much about, the one I grew up being taught to rely on, he does have the power to heal. Believing in that gives hope, and whether or not God is real, the hope He gives is, and right now I'll take it.
The more I think about the whole "Religion being a solution to a problem", the more I see its truth and logic. And the more lost and hopeless I feel. Maybe it is true...maybe Christians are actually believing in nothing, but that "nothing" helps give direction and purpose, and guides us to live a better life. So then...what's the harm? We're playing it safe with the whole heaven/hell issue, right? But if not...alright. At least we believed in something.
Ehh...I really need to speak with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

OK. I swore I would do something productive with my few extra hours in my day thanks to no tutoring, so I'm off to do just that.

Answers, please.

2011-01-29T11:23:00.000-05:00

Living in New York has given me many new perspectives to the way I view countless things. One of the aspects of my life that I've questioned most since coming here is my faith in God. I recently had a really good discussion with a friend concerning religion and faith, and I heard something that has had me thinking ever since. Friend grew up in a very different background then me concerning religious beliefs, and something was said along the lines of "...religion is something that people turn to for answers to all of life's questions". I had to think about the explanation for a minute, but after it sunk in, I realized how, on surface level, it seems so true. When something goes wrong, when there are decisions to be made, when comfort is to be received, we turn to God. When we need fulfillment, company, direction, when we're looking for purpose in our lives, we turn to God. In treatment for any addiction, you're told to search for a "higher power" to help pull you through - again, answer to a problem.
I know what I believe concerning religion...but why is it that I believe in those things? Because I truly think it's the truth, or because it's been ingrained into me after years of private education and Sioux county living? If I had grown up any way other than how I did or where I did, would I still believe these same things? The answer is most likely no. And you're probably thinking - but that was God's plan...for you to grow up in the home you did with the beliefs you did. But what if it wasn't "God's plan", but rather just "destiny". Who's to say that friend isn't right. Not only friend, but 90% of the people living on this little island I now call home. Why is it that I'm loosing my faith after being detached from the Sioux County bubble? It may be because I'm not actively participating in anything concerning that part of my life, or maybe because I'm seeing it all in a different light.
Moving this far away on my own has brought invaluable independence that can be gained no other way, and I realize now this includes reformation of my ideas and beliefs in all aspects of life. It's daunting...taking in this much, choosing what you want to believe for yourself when you grew up being taught what the "right way" is. But after all of this time struggling to maintain a relationship with God, I can't help but wonder what is the truth. It seems so naive to believe what I was taught growing up is the truth, the "right way", immediately categorizing a major part of the rest of the world as being "wrong".
I would ask God for direction, some sort of sign that I'm on the right path, but then again, I'd just be looking for an answer to one of life's questions.

Eviction Notice

2011-01-19T12:51:00.005-05:00

There is one thing I know is true of living in New York - it has given me the invaluable ability to speak up for myself and get what I deserve. My personality is deceiving...I may be outgoing and blunt, but when it comes down to making things difficult for someone else or creating problems, I'm a little hesitant to speak up. For example, it took me weeks to tell Joe and Helen I wouldn't be able to nanny for them anymore. I had so much anxiety over the conversation, I went through countless binge/purges and sleepless nights. My parents couldn't understand why I didn't just get it over with, but I was dreading bringing it up to them, knowing they'd be sad and need to start the nanny search once again. Only a short 8 months later, and this desire to maintain peace and comfort no matter the cost to me is no longer an issue.
I definitely just got one of my roommates evicted. And it feels so so so so good.
I don't know if I ever spoke about many of the issues on here...but there were quite a few. The overwhelming one was that this kid smoked pot. And a lot of it. About 5 feet away from my bedroom door. You can imagine the joy this girl felt, being raised by a mother who had a fetish for air fresheners and candles. I inherited that fetish...which drastically contradicted with my roommates' contribution to our apartment smelling like a stale bong. On top of the pot smoking was a whole slew of other problems...the whole "homeless man" incident...twice, his friends coming over at all hours throughout the night to smoke...not a great roommate. I can safely say, the biggest idiot I've ever met in my life. So anyways, after all of this and a fight yesterday that was the last straw for me, I went to my landlord this morning and gave her the ultimatum of either evicting him or letting me leave, to which she was happy to comply and tell him he had to go. One week until I can safely breath in my hallway without the possibility of getting a second-hand high. Oh joy.

After thinking about what I just did...how I finally put on my big girl panties and got what I wanted (and deserved), I'm starting to wonder why I can't apply this towards my eating disorder. Maybe it's sort of like my roommate situation...I confronted him about it countless times, we've had multiple arguments where I've rattled off ridiculously amazing comebacks and perfected one liners. And yet, no matter how hard I tried to get my point across, I never got what I wanted out of it. My fight with my eating disorder has similar traits. I know what I want and deserve, I've fought like hell to get it, and yet no matter how many battles I win, how much hope I finally feel, I always find myself back at the beginning, dealing with the same issues over and over again.

This is exactly like my roommate situation. I am having this revelation literally as I'm writing this. It's because he's still here. My eating disorder is still here. And I'm letting him stay here. The situation with the roommate...it wasn't going to get better until he was gone - I realized that last night. And once I came to that conclusion, I told myself I either had to take the extreme measure of getting him evicted or moving myself, or I'd just have to put up with living in a stale bong for the rest of the year. The same goes for Ed...no matter how many baby steps I take, until I fully let go of every single part of him, he's not going to go anywhere. The problem is not going to go away if the problem maker is still present. It's easy to give up bingeing, I can vow not to take laxatives, and purging isn't an issue when there's no binge. But when I allow little restrictions here or there, a mile or two more than I should run, I'm only allowing an eventual "bad" symptom use to come into play. And once that ball starts rolling, it just doesn't stop. In order to beat my eating disorder, I need to wipe out every single part of it, not just the parts I hate. There are no "bad" and "good" symptom uses, as much as I'd like to believe differently. There's just symptom uses. And they all suck ass.

OK. Time to apply this to my fight. Last night, I was so upset over the thought of needing to pay more for a new apartment, actually finding one, getting my security deposit back over my old one ect, I literally went out at 2 in the morning to binge/purge. So my plan for today was originally to fast. A "good" symptom use to counter the "bad". But fasting today isn't going to do anything for me aside from encouraging another binge/purge. It's only allowing every single part of ed to stay, the good, the bad, and the ugly. So along with evicting my roommate, I'm going to work on evicting ed today, and it starts with some fruit and a bowl of oatmeal along with my coffee. Just like the idiotic pothead across the hall, ed doesn't belong here.

Memorabilia

2011-01-18T12:32:00.002-05:00

OCD Leah took over yesterday, and as I was doing a massive overhaul cleaning of my bookshelf (you'd be surprised how disorganized a bookshelf can actually get) I ran across all of my documentation and memorabilia from my treatment stay in Minneapolis. I've always made a point to take it with me no matter where I've moved, but I never do anything with it. I just feel like it's something I need to have with me. Weird.
So anyways, after my perfectionist self was satisfied with the organization and cleanliness of my shelf, I spent the next hour in bed, pouring over the three folders and stuffed binder of Ed's documentation of proof. And then I remembered that there's a reason why I don't look this over in my free time. Or reasons, I should say.
1. The first thing that fell out was my list of medications. What the hell. I had seven written prescriptions. Seven. Not a note to take a Tylenol if my headaches got to be too much, but seven legit prescribed drugs with my name and a dosage to them. And whyyy am I actively participating in something that requires me seven different types of medication to function? Good question.
2. Pie charts. There was one from the second week in inpatient treatment, and another from my intensive outpatient program, showing the amount of time I thought about aspects of my life. Ed took up about 85 percent of the pie on both charts, while friends, family, work, and school took up the rest. Now, obviously things will have shifted by now, where treatment is not my world and I am heavily involved in work and school. They are undoubtedly going to take up more of my thoughts, but that's not to say Ed's not always in the back of my mind. The overwhelming pink area I had shaded to represent Ed (why did I use my favorite color for this?? Twisted) is still ridiculously too large in my current pie chart. Boo.
3. Actual Pro/Con lists. Pros of maintaining an eating disorder, the cons of everything I'd loose...and yet after writing it out, seeing it on paper, and living it in my own life, it continues.
4. The worst. I'm not even sure what to label it as. Motivational memorabilia? Ridiculous grade school artwork they had us doing to stop crocheting for 20 minutes? Whatever it was, it sucks to see it now. Including random magazine clippings and inappropriate amounts of glitter, I had letters to myself, to God, to fricken Santa Clause (no joke), in the form of a collage. I begged for healing, positive self image, and a way out of my eating disorder. I encouraged myself by doodling inspirational thoughts. I crafted onto the paper reminders of what I wanted for my life, goals I set that I was sure I would achieve. On the bottom of one collage, I believe my letter to Mr. Clause, I wrote my main wish...I made it obvious for him with its larger bold font and obnoxious glitter outline - "I want my life back".

I have a life right now, yes. A job, school, countless friends, multiple families. The life of Leah Vanden Bosch on the outside is pretty damn good. In fact, if I would have been given the facts of it in treatment, a foretelling for motivation, I would have been ecstatic. I believe I've reviewed this with you before. And don't get me wrong, I love the life I've created for myself. But when I wrote "life" in my wish, I meant more than the facts. In fact, the facts probably held a second in priority to what I really wanted back. I wanted my heart back. I wanted my mind back. I wanted every nook and cranny that ed takes over inside of me...I want it all back. And I've hardly gotten any of that.
The strength in me has gotten me to where I am today, living my life in New York. But the strength of Ed is what's keeping everything else from me. You see the outside - you see that I'm strong. But I feel the inside. I know the inside. You think my thinking is still distorted and pessimistic because of my eating disorder, but I think my thinking is spot on. Because I know all of the facts; you don't. I see the amazing life I live here, but I also see every restriction, binge, purge, every laxative that enters my body, every lap on the track that I don't actually want to run. I see how much better my life could be without it, but I also know how strong ed is in the sense that I still cling to it despite that. So someone telling me how far I've come, reminding me how much better my life is now, or informing me I'm not as consumed with ed as I think...it is so painful for me to hear.

This is getting long. There's just so much I could say. I know I hardly consider censoring when writing on here, but I think I've finally come to that. I need to censor what I really want to say for personal privacy...even though I would bet my life the person would never read it, even I'm not quite blunt enough to write it. Imagine that. Though I will say one thing. The one I have in mind...even though I sometimes fear it, I wish with all of my heart would read this.

Whole Wide World

2011-01-14T17:23:00.000-05:00

I just want to be able to live as myself again.
After this long, I've come to realize no one really knows who I am. I've become incredibly good at faking. Lying. Hiding. I can be the happiest girl in the whole wide world.
I know how to laugh on cue.
I know how to smirk, joke, entertain, flirt.
I can be sweet, funny, and attentive for hours on end.
I just wish someone would see what's really going on. I wish someone would know who I really am. I don't want to tell, because I'd probably lie.
Just because I say I'm OK doesn't mean I am. Just because I've restored my weight doesn't mean everything's all better. Just because I say it is doesn't mean my eating disorder is in the past.
If you don't read my blog, you really have no idea.
The happiest girl is also the best liar in the whole wide world.

Laundry Mat Moments

2011-01-13T11:23:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have an overwhelming desire to be in touch with God? I sometimes experience these random moments where I suddenly have this urge to want to seek Him, reconnect with what was lost, and put back together my broken relationship with Him. And then, often within a matter of minutes, that desire is gone.
Last time this happened, I was in the laundry mat, waiting for my clothes to dry. I told you it was random.
It's no secret I struggle with my faith, but lately there hasn't even been struggle. It's basically been non-existent. I could come up with countless excuses, but the truth is that it's my doing. At first the struggle came from frustration, then anger, and now indifference. Not to say I'm indifferent to my beliefs. I know what I believe concerning religion. What I was taught throughout all of my Sunday school lessons and private education is part of my foundation of who I am. My indifference doesn't apply to my religious beliefs, but my faith as of now. Does that make sense at all? To me, they're two very separate things. It's ironic...I always used to say that religion meant nothing without faith, but here I am, claiming to have religious beliefs, but no faith.

There is so much I could say about this, but it's all a little much for a one-sided discussion on a blog post, and a little heavy for a relaxing morning as I'm finishing my coffee in bed.

I just don't understand God's allowance for pain.
I know all of the cliche'd sayings of how it makes you stronger, you seek him through it, draw closer to him, ect ect ect. Whatever. Realistically, it doesn't need to exist. Not to the extent of which it often does. At first I thought the reason why I still struggle with my eating disorder is because I haven't fully trusted God with my recovery. And maybe that is still the case. But if it is, I want nothing to do with it. I think it's bullshit that I am continuously punished with my eating disorder because I have the slightest doubt in someone who could literally stop my eating disorder this very second but yet continues to watch me run myself into exhaustion and plunge foreign objects down my throat to purge everything I've eaten. He knows how strong it is, how much control it has over me, and yet he sits there and waits for me to come to him. I don't have enough focus to decide what I'm going to do with my next meal, let alone have a spiritual break down and decide to dedicate my life to God. It seems like a cruel game he's playing with me, and I want nothing to do with it. I'm hardly upset about it anymore - it is what it is. I'm tired of building up hope in seeking him, only to be brought right back to where I started. So I'm choosing to not be emotional over any of it, just indifferent.

Which is why I hate these little laundry mat moments. I feel like he's danging something in front of me. He's putting a desire in my heart that is only going to lead to disappointment and hurt.

I've been on your side. And I could come back with comments that counter everything I've said just as well as you probably are right now. I know you think I'm wrong, and sometimes I do too, but getting involved with my faith only leads to emotions I don't want to deal with, and I don't think that's what faith should be about. I hate to claim that my eating disorder is what keeps me from having a relationship with God, but realistically, it's a big part of it. Just another consequence of this lovely disorder. Add it to the list.

lapse

2011-01-08T17:43:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, and I'm trying to get my shit together before I go into work. I don't even know how to attempt doing this. I feel so foggy from all of the symptom use lately. My body is exhausted. My mind is working in overdrive, but I'm not able to comprehend any of it. I'm so overwhelmed, so unmotivated, so tired. I feel defeated. I've been struggling for two hours over what I should do - I know the right thing to do is to eat dinner...the next step towards beating this is eating dinner...but I can't bring myself to. He won't let me. And I hate myself for that. Ed has been so strong lately; I feel like I'm loosing my grip on reality. I don't know if I can even expect to succeed in this case, because I'm not sure success is realistic. What if there is a point of no return, and I crossed it years ago? I don't want to live like this forever, but I don't know how not to live like this either.

Needed Reminders

2011-01-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

On my igoogle homepage, I have a section featuring 'Health Tips of the Day', and today's health tip is titled 'Believe in Yourself'. Spotting that, I expected a cheesy, cliched reasoning as to why you can achieve all of your goals and make your wildest dreams come true, but reading the first sentence was enough to get my attention. 'Expect to be successful'. I don't know how many times I've told other people, along with myself, that you'll never be able to do anything if you tell yourself you can't. I preach it as if I were Ghandi and they were my own divine words of wisdom, but I never seem to take my own advice. Imagine that. The health tip of today takes it a bit further - not only should you not say 'I can't', but say 'I can, and I will'. Expect to succeed. Know that you're going to do your best, do everything you can to make it happen, and be satisfied and fulfilled with the result, knowing you gave it your all.

Still sounding a bit cliche to me, and trying so damn hard to not let the smart ass in me mock the healthy advice, I'm applying it to my life. Where can 'expect to succeed' apply to my life? Well, in the positive case, the first answer that comes to me would be my education. I bitch and moan about assignments, I stress over my GPA, and I'm convinced my life is ending if I get anything less than a specific grade, but in all honesty, I know I'm going to do well. The secret is out. Unless I blatantly tell you "I usually know I'm going to do well but this time I really am screwed", I'm pretty sure of myself with my school work. I expect I'm going to succeed, and I think it's no coincidence this little health tip has proven itself true.
So negative scenario for our health tip of the day...lets go with the obvious - my eating disorder. Sure, there are moments where I'm suddenly inspired. There have been strings of weeks, even months, where I have gotten up every morning telling myself I would beat it that day, and the next day, and all of the days after that. And to be quite honest, for the most part, I did. Of course there were struggles and the occasional symptom use, but overall - I was beating this. But those glorious glimpses of freedom always seem to end, with something triggering me to stop wanting to fight. I get tired, and I give up. I stop telling myself "I can". And when healthy Leah is not there to say "I can, I can, I can" over and over again, ed is quick to come in, telling me "I can't". And the sudden, almost unrecognizable, switch in voices is all it takes for me to stop fighting.

So, though a tiny segment on my igoogle page...one which I often overlook altogether, this health tip of the day is one in which I truly needed to be reminded of. The things I've dreamed of and wanted in my life are all happening because I told myself I could make it happen. Hence the title of my blog...dream it, live it. It's time I take this little life motto and apply it to my eating disorder. I need to believe that I'm strong enough, know I'm going to beat this, and expect to succeed. Simple as that.

New Year

2011-01-04T12:29:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! I think the most common sentence after that well wishing is, "I can't believe it's 2011 already!", but in all honesty, I can. So instead, I'm changing it up with...thank god 2010 is done. Yes, I said it, and though it may be pessimistic, I've never been one to beat around the bush with the truth. But that's where the pessimism ends, because instead of looking back on 2010, I am now only looking forward to 2011 and trust that it is going to be an amazing year.

I would by lying if I told you this didn't lead to problems later. Oh...did it.

I'm not just saying it will be an amazing year to hope I believe it someday soon...I really do think this year is going to be a good one. I feel that though settling into a new lifestyle in New York was difficult, the hard part is done, and the benefits of those growing pains are beginning to kick in. I'm comfortable at my work place, know my job is secure, and love the majority of the people I work with. I'm obviously settled into school, and finished my first semester with a 3.88 GPA, so my inner perfectionist is satisfied for now. Most importantly, the relationships I've made that I've hoped to be the true and lasting ones have proven to be exactly that. I have become great friends with girls from Hofstra and Social, my Greek family and I are closer than ever before, and I feel more connected now with my loves from home than I did the day I left the Midwest. Knowing all of this...how can I not have a positive feeling for the year to come?

So in preparation, I've been trying to come up with some sort of resolution...whether it be a word, a phrase, or goals I want to achieve. As I predicted earlier, I want to do too much to narrow it down to one specific resolution, and I began to have the same problem when I tried to choose one fitting word to be a theme for the year to come. The scholar in me has even whipped out the Thesaurus a time or two - I don't think choosing New Years resolutions are suppose to be this stressful. And after realizing how I was suddenly approaching this as an end of the semester, critical, life changing assignment, I realized what I needed to focus on doing in my life. The same thing my daddy has been preaching to me over our endless coffee dates...I need to slow down, take my own bossy orders of telling everyone to 'relax', and just enjoy.
If I had to choose one realistic word to be a theme for my year, to intertwine with everything that is to come...enjoy. I want to enjoy my life. There are going to be things I don't want to do, moments I don't want to go through, and not everything is going to be a walk in the park. I will be downright miserable some days. But at the end of those day, when I lay in bed and reflect, I want to be confident in that no matter how the day went, I'm still enjoying my life. Though not everything is going to be fun, and I may not always be happy, I need to find a reason for why I can enjoy being in that moment. I may not always want to be at work, but the fact that I am as blessed as I am to have two jobs can make me appreciate being there. Unpleasant could be an understatement for my future hangovers, considering my active enjoyment in [social] drinking. (Please refer to the Malibu shot above). Instead of being a Debbie Downer about the consequences of my fun the night before, I can look at it as a little life lesson ("...put dowwwn the glass of wine, Leah") and gain invaluable life experience from it. Enjoyment in every moment, easy as that.

So, there it is. Hopefully I didn't just create something that I'm going to twist and distort into an impossible or unachievable goal. I think it's simple enough. Enjoy. I'm enjoying my cup of coffee now, and then I'm off to enjoy my long run with some of my very enjoyable favorite music. I could really start to annoy myself with this.

Coming to a Close

2010-12-31T09:17:00.001-05:00

It's hard to believe 2010 is coming to an end already. I may sound pessimistic, but I'm not overly sad to see it go. It was a good year in many ways, but a difficult one as well. I think the best word to sum it up would be 'grow'. I grew in so many aspects of my life this past year. I emerged myself back into school, got a new job, moved into my first apartment, and found some amazing new friends. I spent another year evaluating myself, figuring out who I am and what makes me happy, and I learned that much more about me and this crazy world I live in. Though I experienced and was taught so much, growing is not always enjoyable or pain free, and I'm ready to enter into a new year.

Setting a new years resolution is always a little daunting for me. Being a perfectionist with OCD and anxiety issues...not a great formula for a random major life goal that I'm expected to achieve over the course of the year. I'm going to need my drive to Brooklyn today to think about it. And maybe after a flute or 6 of champagne tonight, it'll come to me. There's one thing I've never understood - how do you pick just one? I want so many things for my life, one hardly more important than the others. My mom and I were listening to the radio on the way to the airport yesterday, and this particular morning talk show was discussing the idea of a theme word for the year, one word that the rest of your resolutions or goals could stem off of. I thought the idea was a little vague at first, but considering I have troubles narrowing my resolution down to one, I'm starting to think it's something to consider. I have a few ideas in mind -I'll get back to you on the final verdict.

In the mean time, some pictures from my trip home. It always goes so fast, and I never seem to do everything I hope to. I'm just so thankful I could go home for the holidays.

So Close...

2010-12-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

I have my final exam this morning. One more exam, and one more (easy) paper to polish off, and I'm freeeee. Which would suggest the reasoning as to why I've been MIA lately, along with a list of other pathetic excuses. I woke up two and a half hours early to study...but instead, I find myself writing here. You're no stranger to my procrastination. I'm going to make this short and sweet though, because though Theories and Methods in English Literature can wait, it's only for a tiny little while. The exam time slot will not be budging.
I've missed my blogging, and decided that once I return from Christmas break at home and have a couple of weeks free of class to finally sort my life out, I'm going to really get back at it again. It needs a face lift, revising...I get bored with those things easily. I want to include more photos, share more of my non-ed related thoughts. I want you to see the whole picture - not just the glimpses that make me look like a psychotic, bipolar, lunatic. It's difficult when those thoughts dominate, but I still see Leah occasionally, and I want you to see her too.

And you will. Promise. Until then, I'll leave you with five facts to best catch you up on my life.

1. I am in a long term, committed, time consuming, obsessive, love/hate relationship with school.

2. My job at Social has been ridiculously stressful with management, but ridiculously rewarding with money. And I love (most) of the people I work with. So I'm OK with the added stress.

3. My roommates are disgusting. I pay the price for lack of drama with a dirty apartment that is only cleaned by me. And lack of drama is hardly the case these days (remind me to tell you the homeless man story sometime)...Leah just needs to live alone.

4. I've made some great friends over the semester - many you've heard about. Just to name names, because you'll hear them in the future - Alex, Amanda (both from Social), Chels, Molly (from Hofstra), and the ever faithful Vicki and Valia (the boys' cousins) have been my social life this year so far, along with various, hysterical, totally platonic-loved guy friends. Notice the lack of ladies from Adelphi? Yeah, they're weird. But I've stayed close with my nannying family, their extended family, all of my loves from home, along with making great friends from Hofstra and Social...so I am by no means socially awkward.

5. I'm still the same Leah. I drink endless amounts of coffee every morning, my room is overly organized and ridiculously adorable, I have an issue with shopping, and I'm OCD when it comes to school. My candles are always lit, nails always painted, and music always on. I'm still the girl that gets caught singing in the car, the girl that sits in Starbucks for three hours, and the girl that says really inappropriate, hysterical things. I study, I run, I drink (yes, how do you think I'm still sane), I clean, I curse, I laugh, and I dream. Some things never change.

empty

2010-12-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

It's been so long.

I'm sitting in the middle of Panera Bread, attempting to write multiple papers due in the next week, but all I can really focus on is how I can't focus. And how lifeless I feel. And how alone I am.
It's so much more than food. It's so much more than restricting, starving, bingeing, and purging. It starts at the heart and it spreads through your entire body. It courses its way through your veins, winding around every thought, feeling, and emotion. It forces its way into your mind and twists itself around your soul. It creates an emptiness that seems impossible to fill.
There's nothing wrong. There has been no symptom use today; no over indulging or excessive exercise. Physically, he's not here today. But that's all I feel - physical. Any deeper than surface level, I don't exist. I'm not really here.

When I was submissive to my eating disorder, I felt a void, but the numbness to life left me with a high...creating the addiction factor to it all. Though my life is so much more today, the empty my eating disorder brings is so much more difficult to fight through, because there is no numbness. There is no feeling of high that keeps me going, nothing to distract me from reality. I feel just as desperate, alone, and exhausted...and this time around, I'm aware of it all. I see this amazing life I could lead with all of the opportunities and experiences I have at my fingertips, but it all seems just out of reach. My life is something dangling in front of me, tortuously teasing me, but I'll always have this to hold me back from reaching it.

It's a matter of letting go. I say my eating disorder holds on to me, but I know it's me clinging to it. My fingers have been pried, my grip has loosened and tightened time and time again, but I am never able to fully let go. How do you let go of something that often feels to be your entire being? Something so consuming, so overwhelming, so defining...I don't understand how I can possibly escape that.

I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to feel myself again. I want to actually be the person everyone else assumes I am.
I just want to be free.

Less than Success

2010-10-27T04:00:00.001-04:00

Two years ago today, I was in the middle of my first week of inpatient. Two years. One hundred and four weeks. Seven hundred and thirty days. The day I entered treatment, if someone told me that 730 days later, I would still be going through symptom use, and my mind would still be consumed by my eating disorder, I would have just told them to shoot me now. I remember my first night there, I told my mom I wanted to get rid of this. I was going to completely turn things around in treatment, get on top of it all, and be the success story.
I look like it, don't I? It's two years later, and I'm living in New York on my own. I've restored my weight, I'm back in school, and I'm doing well in it. I have an apartment, two jobs, new friends, and a plan for the future. And tonight, I lied to my best friend to get out of our skype date so I could finish my binge/purge. Yesterday, I fueled the day, complete with an 8 mile run, with coffee and an apple. Tomorrow, I'll be making any excuse to get to the bathroom, because my 10 laxatives will be kicking in somewhere between class and tutoring. And yet I look like the success story.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

What if this really is just going to have to be my life?

I'm afraid I'll be alone forever...alone with my eating disorder. They say in order to be with someone, I have to get out of my current relationship with ed. But I don't think I can leave my eating disorder without finding someone worth leaving it for first. Doing it for myself just doesn't seem to be enough.

Didn't I Just Have a Tutor?

2010-10-04T11:41:00.000-04:00

Today is a quintessential Monday - cold, drizzling, dreary...the kind where you just want to light some candles and cuddle in bed with your favorite sweater and blankets. Which is exactly what I'm doing at the moment. I feel a little guilty for being so unproductive, but I think that God's giving me the 'OK' to do it with the weather being the way it is.
My day hasn't been a complete waste. I did manage to drag my ass out of bed early this morning to prep for my 9 AM Spanish test. And my laziness is only going to be able to go on for so long, being that I have my tutoring orientation at 1:30 this afternoon. Which is something I still have to fill you in on...the tutoring. I needed a work study job this year, and Adelphi offers the America Reads/America Counts program where you go to the local middle schools and high schools to tutor students, so I'll be doing that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday starting today. For a couple of hours in between my two classes, I'll be reading and doing math (sweet lord) with 7th and 8th grade students at Franklin Square High School. I'm pretty sure I just had a tutor myself...literally, like a few years ago. I can only pray I don't encounter any Jr. high aged 'Leahs'. Heaven knows I was delight back in the day. Aside from that small worry, I am really excited to actually be involved with a school system and working with students, so I'm looking forward to getting started.
I hope that through this tutoring, some of my doubts concerning teaching will be lessened. It's been easy to continuously say 'I'm going to teach high school English', but the thought of actually having to do it can be overwhelming, and quite honestly...scary. By involving myself gradually through my tutoring, I'll hopefully gain some peace of mind and confidence in knowing I do have the ability to teach. Getting started is always the hardest part.
Alright. This lady needs to get out of bed (again) and do something with my life. Yesterday was a good day...and I'm going to take it as a sign of a good week to come. No room for the eating disorder - I have my life to live.

Glorious Glimpse

2010-10-01T12:28:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time, lovelies. Over a month...my greatest hiatus yet, no? I don't know if I can even begin to fill you in on everything that's happened in the last month...

I now know two things. The first being, this blog cannot be used as a way of keeping you updated on my my life. Well, the detailed parts of it anyways. There is just not enough time to post as often as I used to. But the other thing I realized in the last month is that I need this blog. I need some way of putting my thoughts onto black and white, and a handwritten journal has just never cut it for me. I can't write as fast as I think, but my typing does come close! So, my posting may be less about my day to day life, and they will come less often. But quality always comes before quantity - so that may end up being a good thing.

I will eventually fill you in on all that's been going on with me. It seems a bit overwhelming to do it all in one shot, but over the next few posts hopefully you're feeling more up to date.

I thought I had him beat. Really. This time, I honestly thought I had somehow finally made my escape. Sixteen days lovies. I went sixteen days without symptom use. I was so busy, I hardly had time to remember I even had an eating disorder. I felt like a completely different person. I felt...normal. I was finally just a 22 (my birthday fell in my month hiatus...I'm so olddddd!) year old girl who didn't have this horrible other life to hide. But, as he's done every other time after a drastic change, ed slowly found his way back into my life. It wasn't obvious at first...skipping a meal every once in a while or slipping a few laxatives before bed, but it didn't take long...I've fallen back into my sick and twisted relationship with my eating disorder.
I've said it so many times this week. I need to get this under control. I need to stop this now before it goes further. I can already feel that amazing feeling I felt not so long ago starting to fade. I can't loose knowing what it feels like to be free. I have to get out, today, before this goes on any longer.

My eating disorder brings out so much negative in me, and right now, doubt is at the top of that list. Doubt has been consuming my mind this last week. Am I ever going to be truly happy in New York, away from home? Am I really cut out to be a high school English teacher? I worry I've made the wrong decision by staying in New York. I'm scared I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if I'm smart enough to be getting my masters in education. What if I fail...and none of this is worth it in the end? What if this isn't what I'm suppose to be doing, and I'll figure it out after it's too late? What if I'm not meant to stay in New York, and I really will end up alone for the rest of my life?

He needs to go. It's only been about a week or two of being really involved with my eating disorder, and this is what it's already done to me...after being on a complete high off of 16 days of freedom.

My life can be so incredible without my eating disorder. I had a glimpse of it. I know I can get back to it, but I need to do it now, before I'm pushed further in. This is still my fresh start in Garden City, and it's not too late to do it right.

My Boys

2010-08-24T11:36:00.002-04:00

I just went to wake my boys up.

All three of us ended up in the same bed, and after talking about our day, and the rest of the week, it hit me that this is actually my last week with my boys.

I cried.

We cuddled together, all wishing out loud it wasn't the last week, and cried.

After about 20 minutes of it, Tommy suddenly declared through his tears, "Sis, I just need to tell you, I don't think this thing you have with Derek Jeter is going to work out."

I could list my memories...or things I'll miss, but there's too many.

These boys have been my world for a year.
Sometimes I get so caught up in all of the things I look forward to, all of the things in this situation now that frustrate me...I forget the most important thing. My boys.
This week is going to be so hard.
I'm going to miss them so much.

Break and Build

2010-08-18T10:47:00.000-04:00

optimism.

I have come far.

I still may use symptoms, but I've made it this long, this far away, with my eating disorder, and that's saying something.
See what 4 cups of coffee can do for my spirits?

I'm going to do amazing things with my life.

Sometimes, I get so angry at myself, at God, at my ed, for how much I've invested in this. Money, time, emotions - it's unfathomable how much I've given. And I often see it as loss. But really, it's not a complete waste. Or maybe I'm just telling myself this to make me feel better. It's almost like a really painful, time consuming, expensive investment. One that is forcing me to grow in ways some never do. An investment that is showing me what is truly important in life. Without my eating disorder, I wouldn't have a fraction of the strength that I have now. I wouldn't be willing to take the risks that I have, and I probably wouldn't dare to dream about the things I do.

It breaks me, but by doing that, it forces me to put myself back together again. And putting myself back together time and time again is what builds me.

After all of that, and all of this, and all that's to come..

I'm going to do amazing things with my life.

So Far, So Long

2010-08-17T20:23:00.001-04:00

Why do I do this.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I look through old posts, just out of curiosity. Sometimes they're funny...sometimes they bring back good memories...but a lot of times, they just make me angry.
There's a reason curiosity killed the cat.

I was aimlessly scanning through them when I ran across the post I wrote exactly a year ago today. I was originally looking for some inspiration, but inspirational it was not.
This is all I wrote.

Better Try Next Time

I lost today.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

....mmm. I'm going to take a jab at what happened that day. I binged and purged. Once. No lax. I'm assuming. Because I was in Watch Hill surrounded by family, I wasn't stupid enough to fast, and I was holding up my 3 meals and 3 snacks a day pretty well.
Today - I've binged and purged twice. Today I've taken half a box of lax. Today I spent over 2 hours at the gym. And it hardly phases me. I was ready to whip out a post on any other topic than my eating disorder, because nothing about today was out of the ordinary. But a year ago, on this date, when I was home getting ready to leave for New York, I went through a fragment of what I did today, and it devastated me.

"You've come so far". I hate when I hear that. And for a long time, I completely denied it. But they're right...to an extent. I did come so far. I restored myself physically, mentally, emotionally...but then it began to slip away from me. Unfortunately for me, the only damn thing that I held on to was the restored weight.
Now, when I look back at that post from a year ago...all I can think of is how far back I've fallen. How that day of using symptoms broke me, and now it's unusual for it to not occur. I went so far...so what happened? I don't even know how to begin to get back to that place.

Handy Lady

2010-08-12T08:15:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's the middle of August already...where did the summer go?? I knew it would go quickly, but that's OK with me - I'm ready to move on. I've spent the last couple of weeks slowly transitioning into my new life training for my new job, and getting my new apartment ready. The job is going really well. The people that I work with are great, and I now realize how much I missed serving. I know once I get the menu down and actually start taking my own tables, I will fall right back into the swing of things.

I've been moving slowly but surely, finally finishing up my paint job yesterday. I painted the walls/ceiling French Lilac, which turned out fabulously, and did all of trim/doors/window white. It may not be quite up to the quality of Jill, but overall I think I did an OK job! I even put together my first book shelf yesterday, and let me tell you...I was missing my daddy then. I almost started to cry lifting piece after piece out of the box, and my stomach dropped when the plethora of bolts and screws slid out. Nonetheless, an hour later, I had a wooden black 5 shelf book shelf, with a mysterious screw left over...hm...lets hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

I've been spending any free time on the weekends with Brittany, my love from highschool who's nannying in Harlem for the summer. Last weekend was baby B's birthday, so we hit up the city with shopping in Soho, an amazing Italian dinner complete with sweet corn gelato, and drinks on St. James street.

It was a great day...I've gotten so used to having her here; it's going to be really hard to say goodbye this weekend. Any goodbye is really difficult for me, so I'm not looking forward to it. On the bright side, my big brother Bogger is coming to visit oh so soon! He'll be here on September 2, so I have that to think about.

I need to cut it short and get started on my day. I'm going to my apartment and cleaning that bad boy. It's in great need of a womans' TLC, and I'm not moving in officially without it. It's hard to have to wait a month to actually move in...but I'm thankful for it after realizing how much I want to do to it before I'm there full time.

Tired of Wanting

2010-08-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

hmm...what to say that hasn't been said.

Jay said something the other day that rang so true, but makes absolutely no sense. Being caught up in an eating disorder gets so boring. Well...not just any eating disorder - bulimia. There was nothing boring about anorexia. Every time I saw that number go down on the scale I felt like I had just accomplished world peace. With anorexia there's a goal...a motivation. There is always something to work for, push harder towards. With bulimia...nothing. It's the same shit day after day. Somewhere along the lines, a binge is going to come along, a purge soon to follow, and some laxatives to top it off. There are no games of weight loss, no jean size to work towards, no rewards for reaching a goal...it's just a different form of torture and hell day after day. It's eventful, yes...but far from exciting. It's so predictable. And day after day...it gets so boring.
It really is an addiction. I've spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on laxatives and food, I've run countless miles, I've spent hours upon hours in some position or another on the toilet...all for nothing. If anything, a couple extra binge pounds, a throat full of sores, and a digestive system that refuses to work.

I've been thinking about the time I spent in my itty bitty body...god I miss it. Like a heart can hurt for a lost love...my heart hurts for that body. For that mindset. For my discipline. I've tried so hard to get it back; I would give anything to have it back. What I really want to do is go back in time...to the day I started eating. I feel like I started eating, and I never fucking stopped.
I know exactly what day it was...where I was...what I was wearing...what I was doing...what I first binged on. I want to go back to that exact moment, and stop myself. Show myself what I was about to do. If I had any idea...if there was even a hint of what was to come - that I was basically trading in my anorexia for bulimia - I would have never done it. I would have never put that fucking thing in my mouth. I would have sworn to stop eating for the rest of my life.

I just want it to stop. I'm so tired of wanting it to stop.

2010-08-03T15:05:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this forever.

No Comparison to Daddy

2010-08-02T22:24:00.000-04:00

I'm really annoyed.
and frustrated.
and lonely. I'm really lonely right now.

Daddy didn't pick up...I hate it when that happens. He's the only one I really want to talk to right now - I don't think anyone else would do any good, no offense. But instead of mull over it in my head, I'm just going to hash it out on the macbook, and you get to read along if you choose to do so.
I try and censor some of the stuff I talk about on my blog. Not eating disorder related, but in terms of the people in my life...just for the sake of privacy. So I can't even really get into anything in detail, except that I just had a talk with Helen, and I left it feeling like a failure. Hate is a strong word, but I hate it when people make me feel like a failure. And I hate when I have so much to say, but for the sake of respect and knowing my place, I keep my mouth shut. I hate the fact that I lied about my eating disorder from the beginning. I hate that I have to hide this and keep it a secret when all I want to do is tell them everything...because then it would explain everything. Oh, I'm distant? I seem distracted and withdrawn? Well, see that's because I didn't eat for two days...or I spent the last 5 hours consuming thousands of calories and throwing them up. Does that make sense?

This isn't working when I can't say everything. Ugh. OK...identify my feelings. Lonley. Frustrated. Hurt. Angry. Ashamed. Disappointed. Now how in the hell is that suppose to help? Do you know what I'm hearing in my head right now, in terms of how to deal with this? We're fasting for a couple days now Leah...you'll feel better after that.

They have no idea. And right now, I'm really wishing they did.

Ready to Count Sheep

2010-08-02T02:18:00.000-04:00

I've been laying in bed for four hours trying to sleep, and obviously nothing has come out of it considering I'm writing this at the moment...I thought I'd at least try and do something productive. Usually, when my anxiety and OCD kick in, I try and sleep until 4 AM, and then if I haven't fallen asleep by 4, I try and stay awake until 5 or 6 to go run. Yes, I have a system after many sleepless nights.

Ready for my other news? Because I can finally say it, knowing it's official. Considering I started training this past Saturday. I finally found a job!! OK...so finally as in I was looking for maybe 2 weeks, but still, I was really nervous about this! I literally live paycheck to paycheck here (you can ask my parents) and so even a week without working would not be financially possible for me. I was having huge anxiety issues over this, so when I finally landed an amazing job, it seemed too good to believe. But, believe it Leah Eve, because you've already started! I am back in the serving world, and I can't believe how much I really missed it. I am now working at Social Sports bar and kitchen in Uniondale, a couple of miles away from where I'll be living and going to school in Garden City. It's a classy sports bar/restaurant on top, with private lounge area downstairs that can be rented out for events and parties. It's owned by a former Jets player, and the head chef is Danny Gagnon from season 5 of Top Chef. So, impressive stuff, no? A new manager has taken over, is hiring almost all new staff, and completely upgrading everything that needs it. One of the best parts is that it's located on Hofstra University's campus...the biggest school on Long Island, soo game days = hot college guys + beer = lots of money for Leah. Yup.

My weekends are getting to be way more productive than my weekdays. Not only did I start training at Social, but I also moved my first load of stuff into my new apartment and I got the first coat of paint on my bedroom walls! I decided to go with "French Lilac" for the color, and I'll be putting a white coat on all of the trim and doors. With my black frames, gray, black, and orange bedding on its way, I think it's going to look pretty damn fabulous. I will probably need to get some furniture soon considering I don't even have a bed to sleep on, but those are minor details.

All of the heavy loads and painting today and you think I'd be fast asleep by now. I did too. Hmph.

I haven't really written about my eating disorder lately. Have you noticed? I have had a lot of other things to talk about,..the job, the apartment...I've been a busy lady. So there's one explanation. The other is that I really can't define where I'm at right now. I'm struggling...yes...I had a few binge/purge/lax uses during the week last week, but it's been a lot of fasting and restricting too...and those are harder for me to talk about. I'm not even really sure why - if it's guilt because I know I shouldn't be doing it, or if it's fear of ending the streak I'm on once I even mention it. Whatever the reason is, I don't like to directly address that I'm struggling when it's with my anorexic tenancies. I just pray every night for that strength to come back to me, so when it does, I don't want to take any chances of loosing it. It's not strength, I know. But when you go through bingeing and purging like I do, it sure as hell makes you feel strong when you can go days without eating.

OK. This is ridiculous. I have an hour and 40 minutes to try and sleep, otherwise my chance is up and I'm up until tomorrow night. Not a comforting thought.

I'm Movin' On Up...

2010-07-29T09:32:00.000-04:00

...to the East side...to a delux apartment, in the skyyy...

Ok, so not technically the sky. But it is on the top floor of a restaurant...and it's sort of East from here? Yes, I found an apartment! What a relief to know I won't be homeless in 4 short weeks; I was about to start shopping around the local park benches. My Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace obsession yielded successful, and I found the perfect place for me.
I considered living with my friend Sara for a while - we were going to try and find an apartment in Long Beach. After much consideration and my conversation with Auntie Lynn probing me in the back of my mind, I decided that probably wasn't the best idea. If I have concerns about it now already, without even moving in together, I'll probably be having regrets a couple of months..weeks...down the road. So, panick set in, my OCD took over, and I ended up landing the cheapest, closest apartment to school I could possibly land. A half a mile away from Adelphi. A half. a. mile. It doesn't seem like such a stretch when you're in a town of 5,000 where everything is a half a mile away from everything else, but when you're on Long Island, and you find something with a distance you can literally walk every day...miracles do happen, folks. Another fabulous feature? This little baby will only cost me $450 a month. It sounds like I'm getting raped from behind for that price...especially considering the size of the room (teeny tiny) but I've actually only seen a few apartments under $600, and those did not sound too luxurious either, so $450? I'll take it!
There's a tiny catch. Well, not even a catch...just something a little unusual I guess? Or maybe that's just the girl from the Midwest talking. I have three other roommates, and they're guys. Heterosexual guys. Ahh what I would give to live with a gay man! I would love to do the whole Will and Grace thing. He could pick out my outfits, bitch slap me when I'm being dramatic, gossip with me over wine at the end of the day...maybe someday. Anyways, back to my actual straight roommates...yeah. I've never really thought of it being a big deal just because I've lived on my older brothers' couch before with his two roommates, but I guess it is a little different than your brother. I don't know...I just couldn't pass up the price and the location, so unless someone wants to fork over a couple hundred dollars a month for gas and rent, just be excited for me :)

Okie dokie. So now you know my living situation for the next year at least. I've got more news...I'm actually kind of scared to share it! I don't want to jinx myself..and I need to get some stuff done today, so it will have to wait. Maybe once I officially start, and I'm sure it's all real...So much fell into place last weekend, it seems too good to be true! I'm hoping that's not the case and instead, it's just proof that I am exactly where I'm suppose to be right now.

Summer Sensations

2010-07-27T23:05:00.001-04:00

...these are a few of my favorite things...

sun dresses

venti iced coffees

neon colored nail polish

ocean beach

tan skin
crickets chirping

sun bleached hair

late city nights

outdoor concerts

...I've been a busy lady, and things have

been happening for me. Boxes are being packed,
interviews have been successful...more to come...

Livin' on a Prayer

2010-07-21T00:22:00.000-04:00

My days are long and busy, and I'm usually exhausted...so I haven't had this problem in a while, but I can't sleep. Augh. The worst. Especially since my only workout time I could fit in for tomorrow is at 6 AM. I know, I know, a little obsessive...but ed interfered with my planned gym time tonight, and I'm going to a John Mayer concert tomorrow night...I just feel so much better after working out, so I need to fit it in for my sanity. So there's my justification with that.

I have had so much on my plate lately, I've just avoided any other topics aside from Ed to save myself the stress of trying to keep everyone updated. I suppose a brief review wouldn't hurt, right? I feel like I've left everyone in the dark on my actual life outside of my eating disorder...there is actually one, even if my posts may not back it up. You'll have to trust me on this one.

My summer so far has been packed with trips to the city, Yankee games, a Lady Gaga concert (!), weekends at the family's (as in Vicki and Valia's..) summer cottage near the Hamptons, and lots of wine. Just to be honest. And that's just my weekends...I've got the boys for most of the day now that they're out of school, hence the wine (just kidding...sort of).
As of now, I have about 5 weeks of nannying left before I begin the moving out/starting school process. It's still up in the air as of exactly when I'll move out, and where to actually, but classes begin September 1, so I need to have my schedule clear by at least then. I'm looking at a couple of apartments later this week, so hopefully I will be able to give you a definite update on that soon. I've handed in a couple of waitressing applications, and I'm hoping to speak with the general manager of the Cheesecake Factory in the next few days, so hopefully something comes out of that for my future job. A lot of uncertainties, huh. We could basically say this girl is livin' on a prayer. As long as I can keep my ass in New York and off of the streets, I'll be happy.

I may have a trip to Watch Hill, Rhode Island in the plans for this weekend. I've stayed really close with my familys' cousins' nanny - Chelsey (I don't think you could forget her...I probably mentioned her in every post from last summer) - and she's back there for the summer, so I'm going to make the 3 hour drive up to see her and the rest of the family. It's going to be so fun to catch up with them all again and enjoy the Watch Hill life for a weekend. I think I'll be staying in the yellow house with Chels. I can't wait to take a nap on the hammock that overlooks the ocean, walk down to the beach club, run through the ridiculously luxurious and charming streets of Watch Hill. Oh my goodness I hope this trip is delayed no longer and happens this weekend - just typing that made me even more exited to go!

OK. I'm going to shut my eyes...try to turn down the volume of my thinking...and maybe get some sleep. Sleep is something I cannot afford to loose these days.
xoxo

Alone

2010-07-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

It's not my imagination. Everyone's getting engaged. Or married.

Everyone.

It's not that I'm coveting the marriage aspect. Lord knows I want that, and I dream of it, but I dream of it as the future. I have so much life to live yet, so much to experience. Being 21 only means ripe for marriage in Sioux County.
No...it's not so much the commitment I ache for as it is the company. The couples that are getting engaged and married - they have found that one person that they are so committed to, love so much; they are promising to spend the rest of their lives with that one person.

I don't even need all of that, but a fraction. I want a fraction of what they have...of knowing there's someone who smiles when he thinks of me, gets excited to see me, doesn't want to stop talking to me. I wish there was someone there that would go to the ends of the earth for me...who would wipe away my tears and tell me everything is going to be OK. I just want someone to care about me like that.

I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm consumed by my eating disorder...but if I can keep living all other aspects of my life, why can't I carry on with this one? Just because I fight this doesn't mean I can't have a relationship - countless other girls maintain both. Sometimes, I wonder if I cling to my ed so tightly because after all of this time, I am still so damn lonely. It's almost like...every guy has left me in my life - my eating disorder won't. Twisted. I know having a guy in my life wouldn't be a solution to the problem, but not having someone seems to do more hurt than healing.

Sometimes I miss having that someone so much, I can feel my heart ache.

There's something wrong with me. What's wrong with me...why am I not good enough...

Why am I still alone.

Time for Change

2010-07-18T20:31:00.000-04:00

Today was day six. Day six of endless fighting, constant mind games. The last couple of days, my company was my savior. I was at my family's summer home here near the Hamptons, so it was impossible for me to use symptoms. Especially since Vicki and Valia know. Without their presence, I would have no doubt caved before now. I was going insane. Every dessert I saw, any foods I consider "unsafe", my ed was screaming for a binge. Demanding it. Going to bed at night, knowing I couldn't count on my laxatives to relieve me...torture. He is so so cruel when you don't give him what he wants.

So tonight, within a half an hour of being alone, I gave in. The entire car ride home, I kept thinking "alright Leah...you're going to make it through the night. You're going to wake up, enjoy your eggs, apple, and coffee, and be so so proud you made it through tonight alone." But all of the pep-talk in the world can't hold a candle to the relentless demands of an eating disorder. All of a sudden I was back in my territory, with everything under "my" control. And this is what I do after all, right? This is what happens here, in this house, in this room.

I am so ready to get out.

For the most part, it has nothing to do with my job or living situation. It has everything to do with my eating disorder.

Here, in this place, after all of this time, it just feels too right.

I know I can't run away from this. I've tried too many times. Wherever I move, my eating disorder will be packing its bags and coming with. But sometimes change does help. Change does make a difference. And it's time now for change to come.

Do you know what scares me? Not just what I put myself through with bingeing and purging and laxatives to wrap it all up. That's old news. But that's what scares me. That it's old news. That what I just did in the last half an hour is nothing to me. Instead, it's almost like a routine - like something that just needs to be done whenever called for. It doesn't make it any less painful or damaging...in no way am I suggesting it has become easy or convenient. But when I don't use symptoms...when I don't run too far, restrict too often, binge and purge, pop my laxatives...I just don't feel right. I don't feel like myself. I feel like there's something missing. Something's off.

It's a part of my life, a part of me.

I have to stop letting myself accept that idea.

Simplicity is Best

2010-07-16T14:48:00.001-04:00

I love routine.
Wake up, turn on the coffee maker, get the boys ready and off to camp, and then settle back into my comfy bed with my hard boiled eggs, apple, and most importantly...gigantic cup of goodness, watching the morning news and planning out my day in my head. I love adventure, spontaneity, randomness. I just like it...planned. If that makes sense...

I think routine gives me simplicity. And simplicity is always welcome in the life of someone with an eating disorder. Things are way too twisted and complex as it is, so if there is anything in my control I can make easier, such as my carefully calculated and mapped out plan for the day, I'm going to.

Lately I've been going back to the good ol' black and white meal plans. I write them out for 3 days in advance, keeping most meals similar to avoid any problems. Because Lord knows if I switch out my hard boiled eggs for oatmeal or toast, there will be problems. But seriously. I have it laying out on top of my dresser, where I can see it every day, and refer back to it whenever I'm feeling lost or overwhelmed. I've had to make some minor adjustments every day, according to what ed has thrown my way, but for the most part, I've stuck by it pretty closely. And as it usually does...it's helping.

Another twisted concept with eating disorders...I know what helps, I know what hurts, and yet when the time comes, none of it matters. Reality and truth disappear, and instead my decision making is completely consumed by my eating disorder. But, for the past three days, I've been able to keep a grip on things. There have been definite moments of weakness, I've dipped my toes into ed's persuasion, and mentally I feel like I belong in a psych ward, but that's not important. What is is that for the past three and a half days, I've been more symptom free than I have in a very long time. There were spoon-fulls of peanut butter that ed tried to use to lure me into a binge, and extra time spent in the running shoes, but I need to look past that and see the small accomplishes that I have made in the past three days - no major binges, no purging, and no laxatives. I'll take it.

Bucket List

2010-07-08T09:49:00.000-04:00

If you didn't notice from my last post, my family was here last weekend. It was easy to leave Iowa last time I was there, because I knew I'd see them in only a short month. My next time with them all won't be until Christmas, so goodbyes weren't so easy this time around. I've lived many places, but the cliche "home is where the heart is" is so true for me. I don't consider any town or house my home; I have a mobile one...well, five. My home will always be within the five other members of my family.

The day they left was a hard day for me, and this morning I'm running through ideas to try and bring myself back up. Sometimes I get so caught up in "short term" that I forget about my "long term" life. Even though it's such a busy time for me and I have a lot of transitions coming up, it's hard to see past what my eating disorder is throwing at me in the moment. It's hard to see purpose through pain. So, in order to find some hope and motivation, I'm looking past what I'm feeling now, and looking forward to what I hope to achieve in the future - things that won't happen if I don't find a way to untangle myself from my eating disorder.

I have no idea what I want. Well...detail wise. In general, considering the big picture...I've got ideas. But as for specifics...I'm still working on it. But, in looking ahead, uncertainties aside, I do need to remember what it is I know I want. And I need to look to those things to help carry me through.

I want to graduate college, find a job in whatever profession I finally decide to end up in, and be passionate about my work. I want to live in the city, being able to walk the streets every single morning. I want to fall in love, finally make the walk down the isle that I dream of way too often, and have my own family. I want to have a beach house somewhere, with a dock extended out into the shore. I want to travel to Europe. I want to be able to provide a comfortable life for my family, and be able to pay back my parents for all they have given to me. I want to wake up every morning loving my life, and being grateful to be given another day to live it. I want to continue to pursue my dreams, working the entire time to be sure everything I'm doing is pleasing to God and in His plans for me. Most of all, I want to find my way out of my eating disorder. I want to find recovery, and stabilize myself there. When I'm finally there, finally able to live and breath without every waking moment being about ed, I want to help others get there too. Somehow, in some way, I want to share my story, and I want to make a difference. I not only want to give hope to others struggling, but I want to go to the source and change the way women see themselves. I want the world to see the truth and reality of eating disorders, and realize there is so much we could do to prevent it.

God has given me this for a reason. I'll be honest and say that I wish He didn't choose me - I wish he would have challenged someone else, given this purpose to someone different. But He didn't. He chose me. I need to fight this, get through it, and use it. Some how, I'm going to use my struggle and my story to make a difference.

life lately in pictures

2010-07-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

Working on Answers

2010-06-30T18:41:00.001-04:00

I guess as any communication process goes, the one I'm trying to strengthen with God will take time. I'm honestly not sure what he's trying to tell me, so I've gone to others for guidance.

Lately I've felt that I need to seriously start considering inpatient treatment again. There have been conversations that have lead to this thought, as if the simple fact of where I'm at in my eating disorder isn't enough. I've made it pretty clear through the last couple of posts that I'm struggling, but it is to an extent where it's getting unbearable, even for me. Not only is my symptom use completely out of control, but I'm loosing myself again. I'm loosing any part of Leah that I've worked to build back up over the past year. I'm not myself, I'm not happy, and I'm really not OK. Sometimes I feel like if I just make my jokes here and there and try not to make a big deal out of things, that's what it will be...not a big deal. But the truth is, this is a big deal, and the longer I stay active and involved, the more life I let slip away from me.

The parentals and I recently discussed going into treatment a few weeks before classes start, but there are certain factors that make it nearly impossible for me to pull off. We've decided to get as much help as possible staying outpatient...a psychiatrist, meetings, group support, a sponsor, going back on all of my meds...and if things don't start to improve in a month or two, whether I can work it out with school or not, I need to go back. It's going to be really hard for me to have to leave school again for this...but there really is never a good time for treatment. My next option would be to wait until Christmas break, and waiting 6 months is not an option for me.

I hate to request prayers, but I really do need it now. Not just for my health, but for my decisions in the weeks and months ahead. I have a gut feeling of the intensity of treatment I may need to make an impact, but I also need to be realistic with my life and the commitments I've made. I need to turn this around. I need to find a way to get out. No body should have to live like this, and I have for far too long.

I just want my life back.

Whose to Know...

2010-06-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

I'm new to this, the whole "listening" part in the aspect of speaking with God, and I'm not sure I understand it yet...

How do you know when God is really speaking to you? When something is on my mind...how am I to know that it's God that put it there?

Is it just a random idea that I've thought of, or is it God trying to tell me something?

I may be over thinking this. I may be making it harder than what it is.

What's on my mind...in my heart...it is no small matter. And I'd really like to know if it's God's will that the thought has been placed there, or if it is just through the influence of others.

As mom has always said...I wish God would just send me a letter.

My True Love

2010-06-26T20:06:00.001-04:00

I've had an epiphany.

OK, so a little dramatic, but I have had something happen recently. Actually, I can't even really describe what it was...not an epiphany, but maybe more of a realization? Or an acceptance?
Let me explain...
A night a few weeks back, in a random act of desperation, I ordered a few books online that covered the topic of young women and their relationship with God, more specifically their need for falling in love with God. The first I read was a little extreme; as true as I know it is, to me it's still a little weird to describe our relationship with God as a romantic one. But awkward wording and extreme examples aside, the book really made me think. A lot - as well as a few other books to follow.

I don't speak about my relationship with God a lot, and I don't speak about my relationship with men at all, but I will tell you - this book completely changed the way I perceive both of them.
Without making me sound too desperate, I will tell you that guys have been on my mind a ridiculous amount of time lately, like any 21 year old girl. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since my douchelord of my senior year of high school, so if you do the math...that's almost 4 years...ah shit, I've never actually done the math - that sounds pathetic. Anyways, good looking guys on Long Island are plentiful, and I guess this idea started to form in my head that having someone really love me again would help me find some security and acceptance.
I know, I know, it sounds wrong even as I type it, but I thought it nonetheless. It's just...after the last official boyfriend, things really started to go downhill, and there haven't been many uphills since then, so the ignorant girly side of me calculated: boyfriend = happy, no boyfriend = crappy.
Obviously I was off with this calculation, but that still didn't stop the nonstop thoughts of needing a boyfriend from streaming through my mind. Self esteem issues aside, you need to cut me some slack - this isn't all just naive and shallow thinking. Though I'm in New York, I still feel the pressure of Sioux County expectations, and 21 is far too old to have been without a boyfriend for 4 years. (Let us recall my post from when I was home...) And who doesn't love having someone to say goodnight to every night? Aside from their stuffed floppy-eared dog and red monkey. True story.

Anyways, getting back on track, guys have been on the mind a lot. And I've started to worry...guys on Long Island are a far cry from the humble, moral, honest (tall) guys in the Midwest - what if I don't find someone here that I can bring home to the fam? Honestly, it seems really pathetic now that I'm thinking about it, but aside from ed - these worries plagued my mind. Until I started reading these books.

I am never going to find my self-acceptance in a guy. I am never going to find the security, love, and worth that I'm looking for in the role of a boyfriend. Most importantly, I will never, ever, everrr find my healing that I desperately need in the form of a man, no matter how strongly he feels for me. The only place I am ever going to find all of the things I am looking is in my relationship with Jesus. I am never going to be satisfied by anything here on earth. If I look for these things elsewhere, I will only end up disappointed time and time again. The only way I am truly going to find my healing, self acceptance, love, and security is through my faith in God.

My relationship with God has not been a walk in the park. I have turned on him more times than I can count. I've shut him out of my life completely, and I've put a lot of blame on him. Resentment and frustration would be two key words in my feelings towards God over the past few years. But it needs to stop. I need to stop seeing my eating disorder as some punishment that God is putting me through, and start to realize that it is all part of his plan for my life.
Something I struggle with time and time again is the fact that God could take this away, and he doesn't. If God wanted, he could make my eating disorder completely disappear in a split second. It's dramatic and a little far fetched, but I do not understand why he doesn't. I wouldn't go so far as to even ask for the split-second timing...I'll take a gradual recovery over a week, a month! He changed water into wine for Pete's sake, you think he'd be willing to give up a little discretion every once in a while for a modern day miraculous healing for me. But days go by, weeks, months, and I find myself stuck in the same cycles and symptom uses that I've struggled with for years now, and I need to stop looking at it as God's doing. Yes, he can take this away from me, but he doesn't, and there's a reason for it. I really haven't figured out what that reason is...I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I know someday though, that I will understand. Everything I've gone through, and will go through has a purpose and a meaning, and as unfair as it often seems, it is all part of God's plan for me.

So, back to my obsession of late...guys...it's not going to happen for me. Not until I give my heart away to someone else first. Someone much stronger, much more dependable, much more faithful. And so much more worthy. I want to be able to say I am completely in love with my Savior before I even begin to consider any guy on earth. Boyfriends are not the answer, they never have been, and nothing has changed. Every day, I need to focus on finding my strength and determination in my Jesus, and trust that he is enough to get me through. And if I fall into my eating disorder that day, if I find myself broken and back on the ground, I need to just pick myself back up, and know that He has never left my side. It is me that strays from him. Throughout my entire life, my entire eating disorder, my God has never once left me. Boyfriends have come, and boyfriends have gone, but there is One who has proven how dedicated, loving and faithful He really is, and I need to fully hand over my heart to him in return.

Word Vomit (No Pun Intended)

2010-06-23T00:25:00.000-04:00

I hate the word bulimia.
When my eating disorder first developed, and my main symptom uses were restricting and overexercising, I heard the word anorexia multiple times a day, and I loved it. It made me feel so strong, so disciplined. The word itself just sounds so intimidating to me. So alluring.

Bulimia. The word makes me cringe. Saying I was anorexic...not a problem. Admitting I'm bulimic...torture. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. I still hardly use the word bulimia if you haven't noticed. Eating disorder. I have an eating disorder. But if we're going to get into specifics, my anorexic tenancies are few and far between right now. It's bulimia that has taken over my life. I thrived in my anorexia; inside my sick little head, I was loving it. Yes, that wasn't really the case - but I thought I was happy. Here, engulfed in my bulimic symptoms, I'm miserable. Reality is that I hate every minute of it, and I'm fully aware of it. But yet, this is the part of my eating disorder that I cannot pull myself out of.
This is getting me no where. I binge on thousands of calories of food, I shove a toothbrush down my throat for as long as I can handle, and after I clean up, I down as many laxatives as ed feels fit. If I manage to avoid any further bingeing or purging, I wait it out, only to once again start up the cycle sooner or later. Somewhere mixed in there, I'm putting in one hell of a workout. I swear - if I had the diet of the average woman sans eating disorder, I'd have the body of Miss America.
Even after the actual symptom uses, I have the repercussions to deal with. The typical brittle nails and loosing hair, the chest pains and splitting headaches. I have to go through quite a bit to make sure my teeth stay looking healthy, but Lord knows how they're actually holding up.
All of this is nothing compared to the most valuable thing purging has taken from me. I would give the quality of my nails, my hair, my teeth...all of it, just to have my voice back. I was afraid it would happen eventually, and it did. After all of this time purging, I've completely lost my ability to sing. I haven't been able to for quite some time now, and in hopes of it suddenly returning, haven't even addressed the issue. But it's gone...it's actually gone, and I am so scared it won't ever come back.

All of this...for nothing. No number changes on the scale, no clothes become baggier. All of this, and I receive absolutely nothing in reward. Yet all of this work on recovery, and I still cannot find my way out.
Bulimia is not just an eating disorder, not just a mental illness. It is an addiction...and as far as I'm concerned, it is the most twisted, torturous addiction there is. The beautiful scene of recovery has been painted and flaunted in front of me for so long now, but no matter how hard I push, I can't seem to grasp it.

Daddy's Peanut

2010-06-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

I have 54 minutes left of Father's Day to write a post about the greatest man in my life.

Make that 50 because I just took four minutes to try and find words that actually do justice in describing him as I picked off my mascara.
Alright. I keep writing and deleting...it is so hard to express how I feel about my daddy. I'm a chatty little lady, and I have a lot to say...but when it comes to him, I really can't find the words.

My relationship with my daddy is so secure. So strong. Personal. I would never be where I am today without him. I know there are a lot of close father/daughter relationships...every little girl has a special bond with her daddy, but not everyone has shared what we have together.

When I was young, I had beautiful long chestnut hair that cascaded down my back with natural ringlets at the ends. I used to sit on my daddy's chair with him, and he would brush my hair. He called me his peanut, and it was no secret that I was a daddy's girl. I wonder what daddy thought of when he considered my future. I know he worried as every dad does, but I wonder if he ever imagined what we would go through together. As he brushed my hair every night, I wonder if he ever considered the possibility of how broken this little girl would become. When my eating disorder was developing, I remember him telling me how frustrated he was because it was the first time he really could not fix things for me. He saw me suffering, and he had no idea how to help. It's a father's instinct to want to make things better for their children, and for once, he had to sit back and watch me go through this.
I needed him then. I needed him more than I have ever needed my daddy in my entire life. More than every bruised knee, cross country meet, broken heart, graduation, vocal performance...I needed my daddy more than ever when I developed my eating disorder.
After relentlessly pushing him away, I told him the only way to help me was to listen to me. He didn't need to understand, he didn't need to 'get it'; he just needed to listen. And he did. He listened over coffee dates for hours on end. He listened as I screamed of being scared of whatever this was that was taking over my life. He listened on the phone as I sobbed telling him about the binge I just went through. He listened in treatment when I tried to explain how my weight restoration made me feel so ugly. Through all of the things that were so foreign to him...all of my explanations that sounded so twisted and irrational, he was listening. He listened, he learned, and now he knows. Besides Jay and any of my therapists or doctors, my daddy is the only person I open up to that I am confident knows what I'm dealing with. He knows who ed is. He knows how he works in me, knows how he uses me. I can go to my daddy any minute of the day and tell him how I'm struggling with my eating disorder, and I know he will be there to support me, offer me his words of advice, and just be there to provide comfort. That alone means more to me than any gift a father could give his daughter. I know dads do a lot for their daughters. There are countless fathers that would walk to the ends of the earth for their daughters. A good majority of dads would give their lives for their children. But not every father would react the way my dad did through his daughter's eating disorder.

There is so much more I love about my daddy than just our relationship concerning my eating disorder. He is the strongest man I know - not only strong enough to carry me through my struggles, but strong enough to hold the weight of my entire family's struggles. He is so hard working. He puts in extra hours, long days, all sacrificing to support his family. Even after a long day at work, he'll be there to load the dishwasher, fold the laundry, and mow the lawn - and still have time for each and every one of us. Every single thing my daddy does is for the good of our family. He is honest, humble, and compassionate. He is understanding. He is generous. I know, even 21 years old and 1,700 miles away, that I am taken care of. I may be self sufficient and independent, but if there is something I ever truly need, I can rely on him. He provides me a feeling of comfort that I carry with me no matter how far I go or how long I'm gone.
I've said it time and time again - my daddy has set one hell of a bar for the standards I hold for my future husband. The qualities I look for in him will be the qualities I've seen displayed by my dad for my entire life.

Happy Fathers Day Daddy. I love you.

Wheel of My World

2010-06-16T19:01:00.001-04:00

Well. What day is it...Wednesday? Wednesday. Since my last post, today is officially (hopefully) the first day out of my symptom cycle. Whew. That was a long one. When I get stuck in a cycle that long, I really do loose track of the days. They all just mush together into one long time period of bingeing, purging, restricting, and camping out in the bathroom with my blanket, macbook, and magazines whenever my lax kick in. (I'm serious). Ha. It's ok...you can laugh. I do too - I've found that letting myself laugh about little things like this is relieving. If I took this all too seriously, I'd be miserable, so I've learned to laugh at myself. Actually, whenever my lax kicked in while I was living in the dorms, I would take all of my notebooks and books and just have a study session in the bathroom. Thank god for private bathrooms and locks on doors, huh. It may not be the best habit, but at least I'm productive with my time :)

When I wasn't in the kitchen, bathroom, or bed this past week, I was actually living a pretty fun life...though most of the time my thoughts were elsewhere unfortunately. I spent most of the weekend in Brooklyn with my two favorites - Vicky and Valia. We had dinner with the family on Saturday and then a coffee date with dessert followed by 3 hours of amazing conversation. We went to a cute little place in Bay Ridge where we sat at a table on the sidewalk, surrounded by the city noise that I love so much. (really, I do). Despite the fact that I am leaving the Roccos after August, I know I will still have my amazing relationship with these two, and will see them just as often, if not more, after the summer. I don't even know why I was worried about this when I thought of having to tell them. These girls are most of the reason why I was so blessed to come into the family I did with my nanny job - I love them.

It would take a lot to beat my fabulous Saturday in Brooklyn, but Sunday came close. I went to the Yankee game with my friend Ryan, who lives on Staten Island. He actually is from a town about 20 miles from my home town in Iowa, and he knew my brother Justin - so that's how I met him here. He works for the Staten Island Yankees, and gets free tickets into the New York Yankees games, so he hooks me up :) I have a slight obsession with Derek Jeter, and I will never turn down the chance to see him in action. We grabbed our pizza and beer (there's something about drinking beer at a sporting event...the only time I actually appreciate it) and watched a really great game.

I need to wrap this up - Joe and Helen are leaving for the night so I'm watching the boys. It's Wednesday...and I always do better on the weekends than weekdays, so I'm hoping things are looking up for me for the rest of the week - I need a break after what I just went through.
xoxo

Back to One

2010-06-10T10:10:00.000-04:00

I know I've never been known for my patience, but I don't think I'm being completely unrealistic here either. We all know I've been putting in the effort...and we all know there are days here and there when it has paid off for me. I just don't understand why after all of that time and energy put into recovering, I still find myself back in the same spot where I started, going through days and days of symptom use...a cycle that seems never ending. I don't understand it. I don't get how people really free themselves of an eating disorder. I always hear about celebrities who have over come this after finally admitting they have a problem and seeking help - what kind of help are they getting, and where can I sign up? I've had every kind of treatment in the book, so unless I'm forgetting about some magic pill, I think something is off.

There are so many levels of eating disorders, and after struggling to overcome this for so long, and then hearing all of these "success stories", it makes me wonder what level of severity those stories are really at. I'm not saying that the recovery stories weren't from a true eating disorder, but what if they were all just from more disordered eating than anything...where it kicks in around food, cravings, and working out, but it's not there when you wake up, when you're driving to work, when you're doing your laundry, or getting ready to go out. The success stories may have heard a voice in their day telling them what to eat, how to work out, or how they looked, but what if none of the recovery stories involved the voice that degraded them throughout the entire day, and somehow tangled symptom use into every situation and emotion of their lives? What if there is a certain "point of no return". You let your eating disorder sink to a new low, and eventually let yourself get to a place where you will never be able to fully come out of.
This is really pessimistic thinking...and probably not the best way to start my day, but then again neither was the repercussions of an entire box of laxatives. I'm really just starting to wonder if I'm even working towards something realistic. I've been told things that completely contradict what I'm thinking, but it's easy to feed someone stories and exaggerations when you're getting paid hundreds of dollars an hour to do so. I'd like to believe I can come out of this...really. But after the last three days I've had, I don't know if that's true. I think if you were in my place these last three days, and you went though what I went through, you'd agree with me. The box of lax in one sitting was one of the easier parts of my day yesterday, and that's only one day.

Up to Date with Randoms

2010-06-07T09:23:00.001-04:00

Good morning beautifuls...

I don't feel like actually writing this morning, but I should give a little update...

so this will just be some randoms that I'll dig deeper into later...

It's suppose to be a beautiful 80 degrees here today, so a run on the boardwalk is definitely due.

One of my best friends from high school, Brittany, is nannying in the city for the summer, and I finally got to see her this weekend. There isn't a lot that compares to being with a true love from home. Hope to see more of her gorgeous face this summer.

I spoke with Helen before I left for my trip home, and I told her I wasn't going to be able to continue to be their nanny once my semester starts on September 1.

I've been solidifying my living plans for next year, making the whole transition seem more possible (more to come on that later...)

Now I just need to work on finding a waitress/stripper (just joshing...) job...

The whole fam is coming to visit in less than a month! (It made the departure gate a little less hard this time around)

I've had 3 symptom free days, amaze-balls...and knock on wood.

I have some cleaning to do before I go run, so I should wrap up my list of randoms, swallow the last of my coffee, and start my day.

xoxo

A Little Something for Everyone

2010-05-30T09:24:00.004-04:00

Before I board my plane and head back to the East coast...some things I realized on this trip that I miss about the Midwest...

true loves

being able to walk in the middle of the street

motorcycle rides

singing traditional hymns

waking up to birds singing

$2.50 drinks

quiet, relaxing nights

never having anything to do...but always someone to do it with

bottomless coffee at De Koffie Hoek

walking into my old employment places and acting like I still own the place...2 years later

honesty

small town charm

.... it may not be for everyone, but everyone can find something to appreciate about small Orange City, Iowa - no matter where you come from.

Hometown Glory

2010-05-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

It's been literally weeks since my last post, but I have been one busy lady. I'm halfway through my trip home, and finally having a moment to myself this morning, I thought I'd try and get a post in. My time at home has been much busier than I anticipated, which is never a bad thing. Considering Jeremy's graduation party was the following morning of my arrival, my house was packed with family from the night I arrived until Sunday night, with Grandma Hovland still lingering until Abby's graduation on Friday.
I love how my family works. We are all so different, but somehow compliment each other in just the right ways that we fit perfectly as a whole with 6 parts. No matter where I've been or how long I've been gone, our family works the exact same way, picking up right where we left off. It's been so good to be here with them, and aside from catching up with friends and going out for runs or bike rides, I am perfectly content to sit at home and do just that. I'm sure I would be going insane if I lived in the tri-state area and was spending this much time at home, and maybe by the weekend I'll start to cringe or mutter profanities under my breath, but for now...it's good.
For some reason, this time being back in the Midwest feels different for me. It seems every other time I've come back it has been after a brief time away, and the greater part of my life remained here. Even at Christmas when I knew I was going to be in New York for a greater time than the 5 months I had already been, I still felt as though I was coming home to the place of permanence, while where I was coming from was just temporary....just another phase in my life. But after 5 full days in the Midwest, I realize I don't feel that way anymore. Of course home will always be home to me, and I will always have my family and best friends, but my life is not here anymore. The nine months that I have been away, I have slowly acquired a family, friends, churches, a school, support groups, running routes, gym memberships, and baristas that know my coffee order. The aspects of my life may seem insignificant alone, but after putting them together and then leaving them for a week, I realize that I have achieved the one thing I was set on doing - building a life in New York. The friend quantity may be lower, the gym membership more expensive, and I've realized that patience is a big factor in relocating, but I feel as though this time coming home, I really am just visiting. What I'm doing in New York is not just temporary. I know it still can be, and nothing is ever definite, but I know how I feel there too, and I know if I'm going to ever leave, it won't be in the near future.
After seeing how everyone's lives have gone on here, it makes me wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed after high school. Eating disorder aside, the first idea that popped into my head was marriage. Sweet lord I would be halfway down the isle if I didn't get my ass out of Sioux County, and that is reason enough to be thankful I did. I was laying in bed talking with my best friend Erin, and I told her I didn't know how she put up with the pressure. I had been here for four days, and I already felt depressed for not having a long term relationship in the works. I don't care what they say to defend it - people here need to relax! When I meet guys in New York, I think they actually get turned off when they hear how old I am because they look at me as being young and expect immaturity. Little do they know that I was raised in an area where my biological clock magically starts ticking at 25. I've always thought it to be a little ridiculous, and now that I've settled someplace far from the land where you can't even legally drink at your wedding, I only agree with my former opinions that much more.
Though little is missed from the Midwest in the lifestyle department, there is one area that I can't seem to fulfill in New York, and that is religion and faith. I went to my little sisters' "Hymn of the Month" concert last night, where they sang the classic quintessential hymnal songs, and it occurred to me that I hadn't heard any of those songs since....the last time I was at church in Sioux County? I've written about it before - one of the areas of my life I really struggle with in New York is my faith. While there it seems like an uphill battle that I fight alone, here I feel the encouragement and support of the entire community. Sure, they are a little too uptight sometimes and yes, it does get suffocating, but it's so refreshing to be surrounded by it once again. It's easy to loose sight of what is important when you don't have daily reminders of it. Unless I make an effort in New York, I don't get reminders at all.
So, all jokes aside, life in the Midwest is nothing to be ashamed of. The bars may close at 12, and there may only be as many people as an apartment building in New York, but quality does over ride quantity, and the people here have that in the bag. They know what is important in life, and they're happy living it here...so why the need to change a good thing? It's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but coming back and visiting now gives me the opportunity to appreciate my hometown that much more. I may never choose to come back and live here, but I will never be ashamed of coming from here.

Truth Hurts

2010-05-12T02:00:00.001-04:00

Today was a shit show. Restricting, over exercising, an hour and a half chock full of bingeing and purging, laxatives...you name it, I did it. Not surprisingly, I was an emotional mess tonight. I've been laying in my bed for a solid 6 hours. Ha. I almost deleted that because it sounds so pathetic, but I guess the truth hurts. A lot. So much, that sometimes I lie to myself.
Sometimes, I skirt around the truth. I don't admit it to myself...or if I do, I make it look a little more fabulous to spare myself some pain. Tonight, I faced one of the truths that I never say aloud, or even to myself. I'm embarrassed...I'm suppose to be stronger than this. I'm independent. I'm self-sufficient. I'm determined, I'm driven, and I'm lonely. I'm really really lonely. And not just 'oh...no one texted me today, no one wrote on my wall, no one tagged me in their tweets'. Not that kind of lonely. I have felt like I am truly alone in the world for quite a while now. Yes, I know, I have friends here, and obviously the Roccos are aware of my presence...but to really matter to anyone aside from the obvious 5 who have no option, I don't know. It seems like everyone is moving on with their lives, and I'm being left behind.
I try to reassure myself it comes with moving across the country by myself...of course I'm going to feel lonely. But its really hard to be 21 and not have the 'normal' social life that most 21 year old girls have. First and foremost, being this far away from my family will always mean some sort of lonely, no matter how old I get. I don't really have the boyfriend option because the only guys I really meet here are douche lords at the bars and clubs. I have a couple of really great friends here and countless 'acquaintances', but then I hear of what my friends from high school have, and it only makes me think of what I'm missing.
I feel so guilty, but all of this only makes me want to push away from my connections to the Midwest and pour all of myself into New York. I know I'm wrong here...and I have no intentions of following through with it...but it's almost like I get so angry and frustrated with feeling 'left behind' that I just want to completely rid myself of any method I have of hearing how great things are in the Midwest when I know, truthfully, how I'm feeling here. It just occurred to me...it's hurt. A lot of what I feel is hurt. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to people outside of New York just so I have nothing to compare my life to and can just live it as it is, not thinking some aspect is worse or more pathetic than someone else.
I know, I know...I brought this all on myself. I don't need anyone to tell me that. (See, independent.)
Here is where I'm suppose to be. I know New York is where I belong. I'm in love with the city, and my idea of what I want my life to be like here...I'm in love with that too. I live 3 miles away from the ocean beach. I get to go to endless Broadway shows and concerts. I'm on the list for publishing parties and premiers. I can walk the streets of the city anytime I want. Aside from watching my boys, I don't remember the last time I spent a weekend night in. But when I'm doing these things feeling lonely, it sometimes doesn't appeal to me at all.
Is it always going to feel like this? Is this just part of moving away as an adult...never really getting that group of girl friends again? Not finding a lot of people that you feel really truly care about you?
One of the many lessons I have learned since coming to New York...lonely, feeling truly alone...it hurts so much. I'm embarrassed to say it, but a girl can only fake it for so long.

Day Date with the City

2010-05-10T00:14:00.000-04:00

The city is my escape. When I really need to turn off my thoughts, I simply hop on the train and head West. The moment I emerge from the underground tunnels of the subway system, I enter into a world that I once only imagined. There are endless distractions, tugging my mind away from reality. I could walk the city by myself for days and be perfectly content. Each train ride back to Long Island I think two things...one, I don't know if I will ever be able to leave New York, and two, I need to finish school asap so I can actually live in the city (and save the $$ to afford it).
I was lonely and homesick today, and I needed my city to keep me company, so I took a train in the morning to help get me through the day. I ended up walking through China town, SoHo, Union Square, Bryant Park, Times Square...lets just say I covered almost all of lower/mid Manhattan. It may be anti-social of me, but I love to be alone in the city. I don't have to worry about someone else getting tired or bored. I can stop in any shop I desire, sit and people watch for any length of time, and get lost without having to actually acknowledge it. At this rate, by the time I actually live in Manhattan I will know the streets as well as any cab driver.

The last two days I have put legit effort into trying to fight my eating disorder, and the last two days I have failed miserably. I hate to say it, but I'm good at what I do. It's so hard to fight something that seems so easy and natural to me. And it's also sick to think that what I do to myself is actually normal...but to me it is. Some days I wonder how long I can live with this, while other days I cannot fathom living without it. Sure I'll take some aspects over others, but as a whole, my eating disorder is a huge part of my self identity, and I really cannot picture myself without it. The underlying issues of it are always going to be there; I don't know how to make them go away. They say time is suppose to heal all wounds, but I don't think time will never be able to fix what is broken in me.
Sometimes I worry I won't ever recover. I think, I can either die from this eventually...or be 80 and still be skipping meals or purging my food in one way or another. Can you imagine? Because honestly, right now, I can. I really need to get on top of this and turn things around...but I've been saying that for a while now.

My Mommy

2010-05-09T10:12:00.001-04:00

To me, she is the most beautiful person in the world.

We've been through a lot together, but she has held my hand the entire time.

strong
dedicated
passionate
stubborn
understanding
forgiving
hard working
caring
selfless
encouraging

She has always been there to pick me up after I fall. First, literally, with tumbles on bikes and roller blades, and later on after hurt feelings, fights with friends, disappointing recitals, bruised egos, broken hearts. She opened my eyes to my eating disorder, and forced me to see what I refused to acknowledge. She pushed treatment, and I pushed back. She never accepted unhealthy and unhappy, and sacrificed so much to provide me a way out. When I am consumed in darkness, she is always there remind me of the light I cannot see.

My mommy has given me things that don't come with a price tag. I have learned from her what is truly valuable and important in life. She gave me morals and standards, and can be credited for my strength, determination, compassion, and stubbornness :). I would never be where I am today without her pushing me to never settle and accept anything less than my best. From her, my ideal of a true mother is established, and I can only hope to be half of the woman and mom that she is.

I love you, mommy. Happy Mother's Day.
xoxo

Prep Time

2010-05-07T10:07:00.000-04:00

I've had every intention of posting for the last couple of days, but I haven't had the best mindset or been in the greatest mood, so I've been putting it off. I decided I've said "Tomorrow, when I'm feeling more positive" one too many times, so whether I'm feeling up to it or not, I'm going to post. My body image issues are ridiculously obnoxious right now, resulting in mornings spent in bed, tear filled pity parties, and broken mirrors. Yes, I still get to the point of breaking my mirrors - never my proudest moments.

While I was running this morning, I was trying to look at this from a logical stand point and determine what's causing all of the fuss. It took about 2.5 seconds to come up with a few ideas.
1. Swim suit season is upon us - meaning extra ads, weight loss commercials, online advertisements, ect...as if needing to see swim suits on the racks weren't enough, I have constant reminders of the fact that I will need to be in one in a few short weeks.
2. Stress - coming from a few different sources. My talk with Joe and Helen about the coming year is nearing, and considering the circumstances, I may have to be the one to bring it up. It's going to be so hard to do, and I'm dreading the moment it comes. I thought Helen was going to bring it up last night, and my heart was pounding out of my chest as I walked up the stairs. I know I'll feel so much better once it's over...but it's going to be so difficult when it happens. I know we need to do it before I leave for home, which is another stress for me. Don't get me wrong, I am unbelievably excited to be home, but ed knows how to put a damper on everything. Remember that whole plan of going home a size 0 at my low weight? Yeah, well, that's not happening. Which should be a good thing - but of course I only see it as a failure on my part and another thing to beat myself up over. I'm sure Jillian would be just THRILLED to see me walk out of the arrival gate as that anorexic daughter she knew and loved. Right. Well, try telling ed that.
3. The most obvious answer - I have been less than impressive on the whole "recovery" thing. Daily symptom use, often times multiple times and various versions, isn't going to do anything to help my body image, so I should probably get to work on that.

I've got a lot to work against right now, but I need to remind myself to be realistic too. First of all, every woman in America is probably feeling the pressure, considering it's swim suit season for the entire country, not just Leah. I also have to think about the fact that my body couldn't have possibly changed much from a few weeks ago when Jeremy was here and I was starting to feel a little more comfortable with the way I looked. I'm wearing the same clothes, and nothing fits differently. So even when I swear I've gained 10 pounds, I need to remember that the facts don't lie...ed does.

Augh. Alright, enough bitching. The whole reason I was doing well around the time that Jeremy came to visit was because I was putting every single ounce of energy I had into fighting my eating disorder in order to avoid symptom use while he was here. And even though some days it was torture not using symptoms, and it would have been easier for me to just skip the meal or do a quick binge/purge, I pulled off a pretty damn good streak. I proved that I can go multiple days without symptoms, and I need to put myself in that mindset again. I will be going home in 2 weeks, and the 9 days I'm home need to be symptom free - no exceptions. So, I have 2 weeks to get my act together. It seems like a long time to wait to go home, but when I put it in that perspective - a time frame in getting myself together and trying to cut down my symptom use - it's a very very short time, and I have a lot of work to do.

New Start

2010-04-29T23:53:00.001-04:00

Woooow it's been a long time. I've probably lost all of my readers by now. Which is definitely my fault, but it's been a very busy couple of weeks, and I've also been a very lazy girl! (concerning my blog) I actually was intending on just stopping all together...I figured it was getting to be too much of a hassle, I was feeling obligated to post when I didn't want to, and I was really just sick of informing you of my discouraging progress, or lack there of. But over the last few days I kept having random thoughts of "oh, I really want to blog about that!" and then a pang of disappointment when I realized I no longer posted, so I decided to forge ahead whether or not anyone read anymore or not. It is a good way for me to channel my thoughts and emotions onto black and white, and it forces me to face reality in some ways. So, whether or not I have readers isn't important, the benefits I get from this are.
I did want to figure out a way to relieve some of the pressure though, and I came to an amazing and obvious conclusion. I don't need to blog about ed. Hell, I don't even need to blog about my life. I can write about any damn thing I want. Which is exactly what I will be doing from now on :) Of course you'll still hear about ed; he's a huge part of my life...so how could you not? But You're probably going to be getting a lot of random insights as well - just for a heads up. Talking about my eating disorder gets old...so, hey, sometimes...lets just not. :)

Keeping in touch with people is really difficult for me sometimes when I'm really struggling or simply really busy with the family and friends, and I always feel guilty when I feel it's been far too long since I've talked to a particular someone. Whipping out an e-mail or making a simple phone call doesn't seem too difficult, but when I have as many long distance relationships to keep up with as I do, it gets a little overwhelming. When I finally do get to catch up with someone I've been wanting to, I get a cheesy warm and fuzzy feeling that usually lasts through the day. Today was one of those days - I finally got to talk to my favorite aunt in the whole wide world, Lynn. No matter how long it's been since I've seen or talked to her, I can literally sit on the phone with her for hours and not even realize it - and that's coming from someone that is not a huge phone person. There are some people that you just click with, no explanations necessary, and Lynn and I have that. Age difference, distance, relation or not - it's all irrelevant. I love her, look up to her, and will ALWAYS stick up for her (awkward wedding reception, cough) If you haven't gotten the point, my aunt is fabulous. If only we lived closer; Florida from New York is not the ideal distance you want in living from your favorite relatives. (Except when it comes for Vacation time...then Florida couldn't be better)

Other than reconnecting with Lynn, things have been pretty much same old same old in Merrick. Tommy and Chris both started their spring baseball leagues, so I have been going non stop with practices and games every week. I have finalized my class schedule at Adelphi(!!!), so I am already starting to get psyched to be back in real college classes. I know, I am such a nerd. I was able to get into the STEP program, so I'll graduate in 3 years with both my bachelor's degree in English and my master's degree in teaching. Not too bad for being a lost soul for the past 3 years and having the most nontraditional college career, eh? Other than that, I have just had a countdown going for the past 50 days (literally) of my trip back home, which is now in a matter of 3 weeks. To say I'm beyond excited to see my family doesn't even begin to describe it. If peaches didn't come out a couple of weeks ago, I have no idea how I would have survived this spring, considering I'm feeling this desperate to see the family despite having him here only 3 weeks ago. I never thought I would be taking my "vacations" to Iowa, but I would have it no other way now.

Well. Enough for now. I finally got a new book at the library...I need to get back into reading more. I'm trying to find new coping methods and ways to keep me distracted, and a good book has always helped in that department. Now that I've changed my mentality concerning my blog, I will be posting more, promise :)

xoxo

Gathering My Shit Once More

2010-04-14T01:11:00.000-04:00

Sleep is being such a tease tonight. I keep thinking I'm ready, but the moment I shut everything down and try to relax in bed, it's gone. I suppose it wouldn't be right to go through symptom use in a night and not have difficulty falling asleep afterward. Not only does ed want me to follow through with all the stages during symptom use, but the punishments I've deserved after as well. Sleep deprivation being one of them.

The last 3 days have been pretty rough. I was on a damn good roll for a while...but I slipped on Saturday night, and I haven't really been able to pick myself back up since then. As free as it felt to be without symptom use in that time, it was also very very lonely. The times I wrote were the times I was so caught up in the euphoria of not having my head jammed in the toilet, I was able to momentarily forget about the comfort my eating disorder provides me. But in every moment I wavered, ed was there in the blink of an eye, just waiting for me to cross his nearly invisible line. Though physically I felt stronger, I was just as mentally exhausted as a day filled with 4 binge/purges or empty with a fast. At least ed is happy I'm playing along then. It's a different story when I disobey him, because his mental abuse is even louder. Being completely degraded and torn down by a voice inside of my head is exhausting and makes me feel a little crazy to say the least.
So though going back to using major symptoms was disappointing, it's also hard to pry myself away again. I have the comfort that I still can't find elsewhere. That short time in which I was going without major symptom use, I was exerting every ounce of energy I had into following my meal and exercise plan, staying motivated, and keeping my thoughts positive. I felt incredibly lonely and vulnerable. There were moments that I had to drive around in my car just to avoid using symptoms or going to the gym for a second workout. All of that, and I still hated what I saw in the mirror. I still went to bed feeling like a fat ass failure, and woke up in the morning hoping to miraculously be 5 pounds lighter. I'm reading a book written by a woman who is fully recovered from her eating disorder, and she said that it took her over 10 years to come to that point. 10 years. Are you f&#king kidding me?! Shit, I just lost it after 10 days. Adding to the usual difficulty of getting out of a cycle, I've had some sweet ass extra influences making it especially hard for me to stay on track. Let's just make one thing clear. If you ever, ever offend me in terms of my eating disorder - and don't feel like you're walking on thin ice...I mean the obvious stuff, like incorporating the phrase "starving works" into your every conversation, or commenting on how the gym isn't helping me loose weight (oooomg do.not.scream.leah.) - you will have quite a time getting back into my good graces.

I need to get a grip on reality. Yes, those 10 days took a hell of a lot of work, but they felt good. And right now, I'm laying in bed feeling miserable and thinking about how I'm going to spend the first half of my day on the toilet. I know, I can see the obvious in my situation. I'm praying that I'll feel more optimistic in the morning, once I finally get out of bed. I usually do.

On a much more positive note, I had a meeting with my academic adviser today, along with the dean of the English department, and I am finally enrolled in classes at Adelphi. I also uses my suave moves on the directer of the STEP program, which is a 5 year program in which you get your bachelors degree and masters degree in education, and I wheedled my way into that shit, even though I didn't match much of the criteria to get in, meaning I can most likely graduate in 2 years with my bachelors in English AND my masters in education. Yay for charisma and mid-western charm :)

Alright. No matter what ed says - I need some sleep. I've got to get my shit together tomorrow, and doing it on 2 hours of sleep is going to make it that much more difficult.

Peaches to the Rescue

2010-04-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

Well if this isn't procrastination at its finest, then I don't know what is. Every time I pulled up the homepage of my blog, I would hoover my mouse over the "new post" button, only to let it wander to the URL bar and make my way to facebook, twitter, hotmail...anything to distract me from facing the daunting task of catching up on my blog. But, procrastinate no longer, because ed is whispering sweet nothings that will put me through hell, and symptom use is being dangled in front of me. So, just as many other posts before, I'm hoping this will distract me enough to put me back in the right mindset and keep me on track.
And what a flipping track that is. Knock on wood. I don't want to jinx myself, and I don't mean to toot my own horn, but hell - I'm going to anyways. I've been doing fan-flipping-tastic lately with ed, and I am determined to keep it that way. When I left you last, I was finally having a couple of good days coming off of a pretty rough patch of restricting and exercising. A couple of days before peaches came I went through a couple of binge/purge/lax cycles, but I was able to get myself together the Wednesday before he came. I was so so happy to see him in the airport - I was definitely the girl that ran up the arrival gate to hug him before he even made it down the ramp. We had such an amazing time; it's too much to include in a post, but I'll just say we did almost every tourist-y thing possible in New York, including the top of the Empire State Building, Times Square, Statue of Liberty (from a distance), China Town, Greenwich Village, Ground Zero, Fifth Avenue, Central Park...lets just say our feet definitely hated us by Sunday. Jeremy got to experience an authentic Greek Easter complete with an actual lamb roasting over the coals (puke) and beer pong. It's not very often I get drunk at my family Easter dinners. Maybe the Hovlands should think about incoorperating shots into Nerts or the couch game? I'll take it up with them at our next gathering :)

All in all, it was an amazing weekend, and it really helped solidify the "right path" I was on with ed. I can be open to peaches about if I'm struggling, which I did, and he's always really encouraging and supportive, even if he doesn't understand it. He was patient with me when I insisted on having my protein bars over the NY pizza he devoured (3 different times!) At Cheesecake factory, they had the calorie count next to every single dish on the menu, NOT helpful for anyone with an eating disorder, and he really encouraged me to order what I wanted originally, before I saw the menu with the calorie counts. Having him here obviously made symptom use difficult for me, so I was able to abstain from it for the most part. I used a couple of lax here and there, there was one night where I was in binge-eating mode but fought it off for the most part, and I got a little excessively picky with the whole "bring my own food into the city", but overall, a huge feat for me. So I was really worried that ed would come back with full force the minute Peaches disappeared through security at the airport. (Where I was definitely the crying girl getting pity looks from everyone around me)
My predictions with ed are usually accurate, and this one is no exeption. The last three days have been mentally exhausting. From the night Jeremy left, ed has been demanding me to go through symptom use or to attempt to fast for as long as possible. Every single meal has been a struggle, every workout is a battle over who has control, and when I have even 20 minutes of free time I completely panic in how I'm going to fill it. But I'm proud to say that I've held my ground. There has been no bingeing or purging, restricting, or fasting. I've given in to taking lax once, and I've been way too strict on what I eat, only allowing my "safe" foods for all of my meals, but I'm scared to go outside of my safety zone when I feel ed is just looming over me, waiting for me to slip and give in to him. My exercising has been a little excessive too...I always struggle with this when the weather outside is so nice - ed makes me feel guilty for not taking advantage of the nice weather if I'm not outside running. But these things are minor compared to what I was going through less than 2 weeks ago, so I'm going to chalk it up as a victory and pray that I can keep fighting through it. I know I'm bound to have symptom use eventually, and I'm terrified of that happening, but I'm trying to not let myself stress over it and just focus on the present. One day at a time, and hopefully my good days will keep adding up.
I've really been trying to work on my relationship with God lately, and I'm going to assume that my strength over ed in the last while may be related to that. I've always had a hard time feeling connected when I pray, but while doing it the other morning (for the first time in months) over my coffee outside, I really sort of fell apart and opened up everything I've been struggling with to him. Even though I felt a little stupid for blubbering on my back deck wearing my bathrobe and over-sized sunglasses, I also felt a little lighter when I had finished...like a weight had actually been lifted off of my shoulders (so cliche). I realize I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but it's a step closer. Just like fighting my eating disorder, I have to take my relationship with God one step at a time. I may fall back, loose my way, and feel discouraged, but I know I'm strong enough to find my way back - I always do.
OK. Time to wrap it up; I need a nap after recapping all of that! I may be putting these posts out in cyberspace to be never read and for no reason other than my own therapy, but it's the cheapest therapy I've gotten thus far, so I'll take it.

Day by Day

2010-03-25T09:17:00.000-04:00

Well darling dears, I made it through the day. I, Leah Vanden Bosch, got in almost all of my tallies without any symptom use. None. Amazeballs. I don't think that has happened in...honestly months. I can't even think back that far. The end of the night got really difficult because the high of the "good day" was wearing off, and I was starting to feel like Shamu once again. Adding to the building ed thoughts, I went over to my friend Sara's house only to be fed an orgasmical brownie with white chocolate. Yes, Leah sees this as delicious and amazing, but ed sees it as dangerous and a call for symptom use. I don't count desserts in my tallies...I know I'm technically suppose to have one a day, but they are far too dangerous for me to try and handle on my own, so I won't eat sweets unless I have to or I have someone with me that is aware of my eating disorder. So after the brownie and watching New Moon, I had a verrrry long 25 minute drive back home, trying to keep my ass out of gas stations and grocery stores. But, we made it folks.
I guess right now I'm just feeling a little disappointed. After such a technically good day, I don't understand why I don't feel better about it. I went to bed feeling like a fat ass, and I was mentally drained. I may not have used symptoms, but that doesn't mean ed shuts up...and yesterday he was just as mentally exhausting as he is any other day, maybe even more because I didn't obey him. So I was hoping that I'd wake up feeling victorious, but I only woke up to grab my stomach and curse myself for what I felt.
I need another good day. I need to be ready for peaches to come in a week. Constantly fighting what I naturally want to do/think is so hard though. It's hard to look in the mirror and think "love it" when I really despise it. It's hard to get in those damn tallies when I feel like I've just washed up on the shore 3 miles South of here. Yesterday may have been a victory, but it's also proof that over coming ed will be a daily battle. It may not feel natural for a long time, but I need to stay persistant in hopes that it will get a little easier, day by day. I can't psych myself out by already dreading when the next symptom use will come, I just need to take it hour by hour.
OK. Off to meet with my academic adviser :) I'm hoping this puts me in a little better mood...and provides some motivation to keep fighting this bastard. One day at a time Leah Eve...I need to make today a good one.

My Beautiful

2010-03-24T17:35:00.000-04:00

Guess what I did today. Well...I did two things I'm proud of, but one is irrelevant to the my blog. I'll get the bragging over with now -- I finally laid out my own budget plan in black and white :) I'm a real big girl! And apparently a really poor one at that! I guess attaining an eating disorder can be pretty damn expensive...shocker there. Which makes my other prideful event even sweeter.
Anyways. For the first time in foreverrrrr, and I mean for.ev.er, Leah went grocery shopping. Good Lord this errand never gets easier. I always feel like the biggest idiot when I go, pacing the isles back and forth numerous times, taking 5 to 10 minutes to pick out one item, inspect every single ingredient, calorie, and fat gram on the list...ugh, the task is endless. I felt like such a douche today - a worker was unloading yogurts next to me, and I had literally been picking up one brand, doing my inspection, putting it down only to pick up yet another for about 10 minutes before I gave up and walked away with nothing. I had to walk around the store, give myself a little pep talk, and go back to finally just f-ing pick a brand and put it in the basket. After an hour, I finally completed what I set out to do, practically running out of the store before I changed my mind.

So, 1 protein, 3 breads, 3 fruits, 1 veggie, and 1 milk later, here I am. Still alive. I did a good work out, but I don't think I over-did it...maybe? It's hard to even tell any more what "over doing it" in the gym is for me...but, I guess I was still standing at the end of it, and it wasn't any more than 2 hours, so that's always a good thing. Today has been the first potentially good day in literally at least a month. Maybe two. I didn't even remember what this really felt like...to not be weak, dizzy, and faint from either hunger or bpl'ing. Honestly, before today...I wasn't even really sure I wanted to try and recover any more. I was going pretty strong with the working out and fasting, and that's always the hardest to pull out of...but nothing a couple good days of binge/purge/lax won't fix, right? I think yesterday after a second "bad" ed day in a row, I really realized if I keep giving my eating disorder the power, this really will never end. No matter how small I get or how much weight I loose, I will always have bpl days, and I will never have the control that I convince myself I possess. I may get back down to a size 0, but I will have lost the life I have re-created in the process.

I have to just realize that I am never going to be perfect. I am never going to meet my standards, because my standards are unrealistic and unachievable. I have distorted views about my body and my self, and because of this, I can't trust myself. I need to trust the facts instead. The facts that tell me I'm not fat, I'm healthy. (Ed immediately started screaming at me when I typed the word healthy, he HATES that word - right Jay? So...nourished. I'm nourished :) ) There is nothing wrong with being the normal size. There's nothing wrong with having a normal, healthy body. I don't need to be known as the girl with the six pack, the insanely small waist, the twig arms, or the tiny legs. I want to be known as the girl who is confident in who she is, and exudes beauty from that confidence, no matter what my body even looks like. I'm never going to accept myself if I don't change the way I look at myself. Of course I can't accept my body now, because I tell myself every day that I hate it. But if I just start embracing it and telling myself I love it, I hope I come to accept it. Sure, my legs won't fit into size 0 pants, but my legs need to be strong to carry me through my miles of running. Size 0 legs won't be able to keep up with that for long. My hand may not be able to wrap around my arms now, but these arms are able to push my boys on the swing for as long as they can take it. My stomach may not be perfect, but I put it through hell and back, so I think as far as it's concerned...it's going to look any damn way it wants. My boobs and my ass...too big, too much, too everything - but then why are these what I always considered my "best assets" before ed? Because they are what make me a woman. They may make me feel vulnerable now, but they should also be reason enough to give me confidence in the fact that I am not a cute 12 year old girl, but a beautiful woman who is strong enough to accept and love any body I have, even if it's not a size 0 or meets society's standards of "perfect". I have rolls, cellulite, and extra fat in places I really don't appreciate. But that's not all. I have a sense of humor, energy to get through my day, and a desire to live. As far as I'm concerned, a roll on my stomach or a dimple on my ass is more than worth the price to pay to want to get out of bed every day.

I have put my body through hell. It has suffered so much abuse on so many different levels, I honestly don't even deserve to have the body I have now. Forget shape, I'm so blessed my body even functions properly. So when it comes to my body image, I have to remember everything mine has done for me, how it was able to save itself over and over again, and love it no matter what shape I'm in. There is no such thing as a flaw or imperfection. There is no standard I have to meet except my own. So instead of looking in the mirror and criticizing what I see, I'm going to look in the mirror and love what I see. Life is about so much more than how you look. Life is about what you do while you're living, and living for my eating disorder doesn't amount to much of a life at all.

2010-03-22T16:27:00.000-04:00

End of story.

Swing, Swing Away.

2010-03-16T18:29:00.000-04:00

I pushed off the ground, hard. I dipped myself back, and then leaning forward, I swung my legs ahead to start pumping. The harder I pumped, the higher I got, and the lighter I felt. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on the breeze winding through my hair, the rhythmic groans of the chains, the steady sounds of my breath. Eventually, I was able to shut off. To shut off and just be. I was in elementary school again. I had no worries, no heavy decisions. All that mattered was feeling the rush of getting as high as I could on that swing.
I hadn't swung in a long time. Long before my move to New York. But I needed to today, as odd as that sounds. Whether it's the motions of being rocked back and forth in the air, or the fact that it's associated with childhood, swinging always seems to yield comfort for me, even if it's only for the brief moments in the air. So I made my way to the park today to indulge myself in the childhood activity. I'm lucky I'm a nanny; I may start to be scrutinized as some creeper on the playground if I keep up this habit into my adult life.
After visiting the Adelphi University campus yesterday, I was reminded, as if I needed a reminder, of how much I missed being in school. The campus met my expectations of being small and personal, which is what I'm looking for. It reminds me of a "Dordt College" on Long Island. I'm going to send in my deposit in the next couple of days, get in touch with an academic adviser, and hopefully be on my way to planning the final leg of my insanely nontraditional post-high education. Adelphi also offers graduate degrees, so I'm going to consider taking the next three years to get not only my English degree, but also my masters in teaching. It may be quite a chunk of change and additional time in school, but I'm hardly worried about being sick of school at this rate, and it would be nice to have my masters degree before I'm 25. We'll see how my meeting with the academic adviser goes, and go from there.
Things with Ed have been pretty rough. He's been the main man in my life lately. After a weekend full of bingeing, purging, and laxative use that put me through hell and back, I'm now stuck in fasting. It's the end of day 3, and frustrated doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. Yesterday I was so hungry, I cried over a fricken 80 calorie string cheese. I had it open, ready to eat, but I couldn't do it. I had ran 4 miles, fasted the day before, and yet I couldn't eat a damn piece of cheese. Today is basically the same story, except I don't even really have the desire to eat. It's such a trap, I know it is, but I can't pull out. I'm too tired to even try and find a way out. Ed has this plan...Jeremy is coming in a little over 2 weeks, and Ed thinks I'm too fat for him to even visit. Unless I loose some weight, I shouldn't let him come. I should be embarrassed to let him see me like this. And soon after that is a trip home for his graduation...I surely need to be thin by then. I was humiliated being fat when I went home for Christmas; Ed just doesn't want me to go through that shame again.
I sound a little crazy in that last paragraph - referring to my eating disorder as a literal person. But right now, he is to me. He's so strong...his voice is so loud, he may as well be sitting right next to me. I just wish others could see him, hear him, and understand that I'm not as crazy as I sound. Just consumed. My eating disorder is suffocating me, yet I'm afraid I don't know how to live without it.

Storm Warnings

2010-03-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

The glass has been falling all the afternoon,
And knowing better than the instrument
What winds are walking overhead, what zone
Of grey unrest is moving across the land,
I leave the book upon a pillowed chair
And walk from window to closed window, watching
Boughs strain against the sky

And think again, as often when the air
Moves inward toward a silent core of waiting,
How with a single purpose time has traveled
By secret currents of the undiscerned
Into this polar realm. Weather abroad
And weather in the heart alike come on
Regardless of prediction.

Between foreseeing and averting change
Lies all the mastery of elements
Which clocks and weatherglasses cannot alter.
Time in the hand is not control of time,
Nor shattered fragments of an instrument
A proof against the wind; the wind will rise,
We can only close the shutters.

I draw the curtains as the sky goes black
And set a match to candles sheathed in glass
Against the keyhole draught, the insistent whine
Of weather through the unsealed aperture.
This is our sole defense against the season;
These are the things we have learned to do
Who live in troubled regions.

-Adrienne Rich

From, Ed.

2010-03-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

Alright. I'm going to quick try and squeeze in a post while I'm in the right mindset. I haven't been here mentally for quite a while, so I want to take advantage of it while I can. The past week or so has been completely spent with ed, and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. In the past six days, I've fasted for four and binge/purged/laxed on two of them. Ed has suddenly switched gears on me, which I don't mind at all, except for the fact that he's swung me in the opposite direction of where I was before. Now, not only does food scare me, but I'm afraid to even put anything in my mouth unless I'm planning on symptom use. I only eat when I carry through with everything to follow...meaning nothing stays. This morning when I was driving, I felt so exhausted and out of it...actually, a good way to describe it is a sort of drunk-feeling...if that makes sense. Not the fun, carefree drunk though...the hung-over, exhausted drunk. When I fast or heavily restrict, I feel dizzy and weak, but I get a sort of high feeling with it too...it's a really hard feeling to describe. Sort of like an out-of-body experience. Anyways, about an hour ago I really couldn't take it anymore and I had to eat something, so I had a couple of veggie burgers and vegetables, which lead to spoonfulls of cookie dough...and now I'm plopped in my bed trying to avoid the binge that ed was trying to start with the cookie dough. I've already popped lax..and I'm trying to avoid purging...good lord, I don't know what I meant by saying I was in the right mindset right now because it's becoming clear I'm not. My body feels like it's shutting down while my mind is running on overdrive.
All I care about right now is not being fat any more. I cannot take looking in the mirror any longer. I'm sick of grabbing and picking at my body. I've been thinking "I just need to loose a little bit" for far too long. I disgust myself. I can't change my face, but I can change my body. And I know it's all ed. and I'm letting this go too far. I am loosing my mind. I'm loosing it back to him. Why am I stopping my life for him again??
I would pause to think about this all and try to care, but I have no power over my thoughts and mindset right now. All I can think about is that I'm a failure for giving in and eating. And I could have made it without. And the cookie dough is going to make me blow up into an even bigger fat ass. I am so ashamed of myself...I'm embarrassed to even tell you I ate it. I feel weak. Weak and full of shame.
I recognize this place. It's my little cell. I feel like I'm back in the prison where ed keeps all of his victims, and I don't remember how to escape.

Spring in the City

2010-03-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

It seems like I was just writing about fall, loving the colors changing and the crisp air. Spring may have officially started in New York, with yesterday being a glorious 57 degrees. I spent the day in the city, soaking in the sun as I relaxed by the lake in Central Park. I met up with Ryan and his roommate, a friend I met through my brother that is actually from around home and moved to New York. We spent the afternoon walking around Central Park, fifth Ave, Times Square, and the New York Public library. It was one of the best Sunday's I've had in a while. Starting early with coffee and my ipod, I was able to spend the entire day in just leggings and a long sleeved flannel shirt, completely immersed in New York City. Perfect.

I'm starting to realize it may not be just the season of fall I love so much, but instead the more drastic changes of the seasons. It seems so comforting to pull on my new cartigans and break out all of Grammy's hand made scarves, but there's nothing quite as refreshing as being able to leave my coat inside as I put on my sunglasses and head out the door. As I type this I'm realizing my preference in seasons matches my personality in embracing change. I always long to feel settled in my life, yet it seems that is exactly what I'm avoiding in constantly moving around and making changes in my life. I always worry that I'm doing the "wrong thing" in my life, and I'm wasting time and missing what I "should be doing instead". In reality, with this twisted mindset, I'm missing out on my entire life comletely.

Speaking of change, I'm still heavily contemplating my decision coming up concerning my position with the Rocco's next year. After meeting with my therapist this past week, I realized pretty quickly that I would definitely regret leaving New York. As much as I miss my family and the comforts of home, I am completely in love with the city, I love everything about it, and I'm not ready to leave it. My time in New York is not done. I really feel like this is where I'm suppose to be in my life right now, as much as I struggle being here. On the other hand, I don't know if I should stay with the Rocco's another year. Idealistically, I would love to be a live out nanny for them. Talking with my therapist Amy made me realize something I've never really had in my life, that may be really beneficial for me, is my own space. Maybe I struggle with trying to find and accept myself so much because I really haven't had the freedom to be myself. It's hard to live in a place where all I really have to claim is a bedroom. I know it is considered my home, but realistically -it's not. It's hard to be 21 and living with a different family than my own...it's like living with your parents except more awkward because they're not. Sometimes I just need to get away, really be alone, and I can't do that here. I'm always just a knock or a holler away, and I would never say no, whether I'm technically "working" or not. I realize I make it that way, where I'm always available whether it's my day off or not, but sometimes it's frustrating when I just want to be a 21 year old instead of a part-time mom. I spent 3 hours at Barnes and Noble yesterday, just to have some time to myself. That gets old really fast. I have a feeling it would be even more of an issue when I have 18 credits on my plate as a full time college student again. If that wasn't reason enough to not live in my house here next year, there's the issue of Helen and her constant dieting and talk of weight and appearance that will never go away. I don't like to talk about it or admit to it, because Helen is like family to me, but she definitely has an impact on my eating disorder.
The one thing I do know is that I will be going to Adelphi next year. I found out last week I was accepted, so now I just have to go through meeting my academic adviser and figuring out my class schedule. I still plan on majoring in English and I'm hoping to pursue a career in teaching high school English, and eventually getting my masters and teaching college level courses. I'm so excited to be back in school; it's definitely something I've missed. I know taking classes will help in my recovery - it makes me feel successful and accomplished when I do well in my school work, so I can't wait to get back to it.
So, in conclusion to all of this, my preference for next year would be to find my own place here, but continue nannying for the Rocco's in a live-out situation. As ideal as this would be for me, I really don't think that Joe and Helen are going to agree to it. I sporadically watch the boys on weekends, or if they need to run an errand, and I'm constantly picking up and cleaning. That being the case, I'd have to find another job if I moved out. It's going to be such a difficult decision to make. As much as I need my own space, I am completely in love with these boys...I don't know if I'm ready to be replaced as their nanny. They are so special to me, whenever the time does come, it's going to be so hard to leave them.
Ahh...there's so much going through my head concerning this right now, I don't feel like I even got a fraction of it out on black and white. My thoughts are getting harder and harder to process, considering I haven't really been fighting my eating disorder very well lately. I haven't been able to eat since dinner last Friday...being almost 5:30 here, on Monday, I'm well on my way to a 3 day fast. I know I need to break it, but with this decision coming up, it's so comforting to just give myself over to Ed for a while. It's like I have so much on my plate that I can't even deal with fighting my eating disorder - it's so much easier to just let him make those choices for me. Not smart, I know. I need to pull out soon. Easier said than done.
Alright, enough for now...my brain feels like it's about to burst at the seams. Plus, it's a beautiful day out so I'm going to try and squeeze out a few more minutes outside with the boys. One thing guaranteed on my side this week - the weather. So beautiful.

Feeling Faint

2010-03-01T23:57:00.000-05:00

I re-discovered a song today that I had downloaded long ago on my itunes. Bogger introduced me to the group Reliant K when I was a freshman in high school, and I was immediately drawn to the acoustic song "For the Moments I Feel Faint". I would listen to this song whenever was feeling down or had something going on...it always seemed to provide the comfort I was seeking. Those "something going on's" seem so simple and innocent compared to what I'm dealing with now when I search for comfort in music. Over the years, my music preference has expanded, my itunes list has multiplied by the hundreds, and my old high school songs were lost in the mix. For some reason this morning, as I was cleaning up from symptom use, the lyrics of this long lost song popped into my head.

"Never underestimate my Jesus, you're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus, when the world around you crumbles, He will be strong He will be strong."

Today was awful. I had 2 decent days on Saturday and Sunday, so on top of symptom use, there was a lot of disappointment. Ed was starting the same old speech of "it doesn't matter how many good days you have...I'll always come back for you"...when I was reminded of this song. Every day, Ed slams me with the fact that escaping from him is a hopeless cause. And lately, every day I do manage to have a decent day, I don't even feel proud or excited any more, because I know somewhere along the line, I'll either fast, restrict, overexercise, binge, purge, or take lax. I have a fricken long list to fight...and Ed helps me remember that countless times throughout the day. But for today, I'm going to use the lyrics to the chorus of this song as my defense. Ed tells me there's no hope...but I need to remember he's wrong. My eating disorder is powerful. destructive. controlling. manipulating. terrifying. But nothing is stronger than my Jesus.

Running Through the Rain

2010-02-25T16:24:00.000-05:00

So I know I wanted a rainy day to wear my new rain boots, but I never would have asked for 3 in a row. This is getting to be a bit much. As I look out the window now though, it looks like it's starting to turn in to snow, so getting around outside will start to be even more of a mess. I'm just praying that tomorrow doesn't end up being a snow day - with the way last week went while the boys were home, I think I'd like to avoid that scenario as much as possible from now on.
It's only 4 in the afternoon, so I don't want to jinx myself, but I may possibly end up having a symptom free day. Sort of. I've only had fruits and veggies so far, but I know we're ordering in tonight for Chris' birthday, so I will be having more later, making it not a totally restrictive day...and I'm praying no b/p/l either. That would be the story of my last two days, and because of it, we can safely say I've been miserable since Monday.
Today I met with a new therapist, Amy, who lives a couple of towns over in Massapequa. I was close with my psychologist at home, Mary, and she was my main support through most of my eating disorder, so I was a little wary of going to someone new. I was a little spoiled with Mary - she's ridiculously qualified in her field, and I sort of feel like anyone I have after her is kind of a downgrade. But I tried to keep an open mind as I pulled in front of Amy's house...which I thought was sketchy to begin with. Going to a house?? I had to walk through a gate that led to the backyard, walk in through a sliding screen basement entrance, but was relieved to find a waiting "hallway" type setup with incense burning and relaxing music playing. After a few minutes of waiting, a petite, fresh faced, earthy looking woman appeared. What is it with everyone being 5'2" here and making me feel like a giant? Anyways, after talking with her for a few minutes, I already began to feel comfortable. It was nice to finally open up about my eating disorder in the first place, since I keep it a secret here. Not only that, I was talking to someone who understood it, knew what I was talking about, and didn't think I was completely crazy. It's hard to judge a therapist off of a first meeting, just as I'm sure it's hard to judge a patient, but I think I like her. Maybe that or I'm just relieved to finally have a little support again. It's hard not to compare her to my Mary though (yes, my Mary - I had to be her favorite :)). While Mary is a professional, blunt hard ass, Amy is laid back, more carefree, more...sympathetic you could say? Not that Mary didn't sympathize with me...she just didn't take my bullshit. Which is what I needed sometimes. With Amy's make-up free face, flower print tunic, and teal moccasins, I'm inclined to think that we'll work on addressing my feelings and emotions heavily. She's already asked me to write down my dreams, explaining that they often show subconscious thoughts that are too painful or hard for us to think about. I can't even imagine Mary suggesting interpreting dreams as being helpful in working out my eating disorder. Ha. I can picture the look on her face now. Interesting I know...but at this point, I'll try anything. With big decisions ahead of me, I definitely need to find someone to help me sort out my thoughts, as well as get an outside opinion from someone who understands my reality.
Well, I better try and get something done. Staying busy is key today to staying out of trouble. I've got about 7 more hours until I can go to sleep...I need to last just 7 short more hours. I can do this today, I know I can.

Hurts to Grow Up

2010-02-24T00:20:00.000-05:00

Alright, I've been chained to my laptop all day, but this is what I do when I have a bad day. I stay on here and try to constantly keep my mind working, busy, focusing on something other than what I'm really thinking. Days like these I don't want to hear my thoughts. Ed puts me through enough exhaustion, I don't need the ride of trying to interpret what I'm thinking. So I keep things light by stalking people on twitter, mulling over celebrity gossip, and searching pictures on facebook. Anything to keep my mind preocupied.
But I obviously can't help but let my thoughts slip between the cracks of web pages loading. I miss my family so much. New York City takes my breath away. I will never recover living here. I'll be so bored living back in the Midwest. I truly feel a void being this far away from my family and best friends. Living here has been my dream forever. My dream was to come but maybe not stay. Leaving would crush my boys here...my family here...me...But would staying hurt me even more?

What do you do when your heart is leading you in two different directions?

Missing my Sunshine..

2010-02-23T17:19:00.001-05:00

It's only been gone a day, but it is definitely time for the sun to come back. Ed seemed to come rolling in with the clouds and the rain, making today a little less pleasant than the last couple. I'm feeling dizzy, light headed, and drained. My head is pounding, my chest hurts, my stomach is cramping, and I look like I'm 9 months pregnant on top of it. Instead of being sound asleep in my bed tonight, completely oblivious to all of this, I'll be chilling in the bathroom. Definitely canceling my date for later. Damnit, I hate when Ed gets in the way of my life.
The best part of my dreary day? I got to use my new black and red polka dot umbrella mommy gave me for Valentine's..and my new rain boots :) I've never owned a pair before...They're one of those things that you only think of buying when you need them, but when you see them shopping, there's always something you want more. Well, I finally broke down and spent some money on them, and lo and behold I needed them two days later! I thought they were very cute - kind of me, right?

I'm trying to get over my symptom use...forget about what's to come tonight, and move on with my life - but I feel like complete ass, I have no motivation; I'm just sort of letting myself wallow in my misery. Not too healthy, I know.

Alright. Tomorrow = New Day. I need to get back on the right track and not let one bad day add up to many. That seems to be the pattern, but this afternoon has completely drained me...I don't think my body could take much more of it this round. Time to pick myself back up.

hectic hiatus

2010-02-22T23:25:00.001-05:00

I was skimming through my blog today, and it occurred to me that it had already been a week since my last post. Last week was so busy and chaotic for me, it seemed to be dragging by at the time, but now I look back and wonder where the days went. The boys had the week off for their "winter break", and good lord, let's hope there aren't many week-long breaks left in the school year. They chose the worst possible week to fight and purposely annoy each other, leaving me repeatedly needing to just walk away and try not to pull my hair out. Their cousin Costa, Vicky and Valia's brother, came on Wednesday night to help keep me sane. We made it until Friday, when we took the boys to the Long Island Children's museum. It was a lot of fun actually - for both the boys and Costa and me. It entertained them for a solid three hours, and there was no referring, debating, or punishing involved. Praise the Lord. Lets just say by the time Friday was up, I was happy I took a nanny position with school-aged children.
The weekend hardly slowed down, going to a Bible study at Sara's Friday night, and then hitting the bed early due to exhaustion. Saturday morning I went to the gym for a while, but realizing how beautiful it was outside, ended up packing on a couple of miles outside too. It felt so incredible to be able to run outside again. There is just something about having an undecided, open path in front of me, absolutely no one around me; I feel as though I have the world to myself. My thoughts go uninterrupted; I can actually hear myself. My running time is the quintessential "me" time. I'm so happy I'm starting to have it back consistently! Yay for spring! After my run I showered up, and Costa and I went back into Brooklyn where I shopped with Vicky and Valia, made dinner, and had girls night with wine and cheese. I came back into Long Island Sunday, did a little more shopping (I neededddd therapy after my week) and then after another run went to Sara's for dinner. Sunday night was the first night of a solid 9-hour sleep I've had in weeks, literally, and it felt soo amazing waking up this morning. Sunday, and now today, have been good days eating-wise...and I really do think that the sleep has a lot to do with it, so I'm going to try to keep that up.
ahh..."eating wise". I'm so frustrated today. Yesterday I did pretty well with eating, especially considering the choices were mainly on my own. I think a lot of it was because I had struggled with binge/purging so much last week that symptom use was completely unappealing to my body, and I was having planned meals with people - so the symptom use couldn't go the other way either. The only slip up yesterday was that I took lax...but that's going to be a hard habit to break. Today started really well. I had coffee and oatmeal for breakfast, my usual, except I was a little annoyed I had no banana to put in it :( I was in a super good mood, which is a little unusual for Mondays. I went and got groceries at Trader Joes (a total health-nut grocery store - i don't know what I did without this all these years). I had a roast beef sub from subway, packed with fresh veggies (yum) for some lunch. I went on a nice relaxing 4 mile run, ran some errands, and then finished up cleaning at home and showered. I finally got a hold of a therapist here who specializes in eating disorders, so I arranged my first appointment with her to be on Thursday. I'm sure you'll hear how that one goes... I picked up the boys, and while they played I had some chicken breast with light sour cream and salsa and broccoli. I helped them with their homework, then we went downstairs to watch their favorite TV show. After Joe and Helen got home, we had pork chops and salad for dinner, and then I went to the gym to work out for a while (which was were ed showed up in my day obviously). I also slipped a few lax...but like I said - hard habit to break. But. overall - a pretty damn good day, right? I mean, compared to what I have been enduring...which I haven't really written about, but it hasn't been pleasant. At any rate, the last 2 days have definitely been an upgrade - so I don't understand why I'm not feeling better about them. I'm really really depressed today.
I feel a little lost overall...what I'm going to do with staying/not staying in New York, what I should do about this therapist and money issues, money issues in general, schooling for next year...alright so if it all narrows down, which it does, my decision on what to do for next year is really consuming my thoughts. I really want to pray and hand it over to God, but I haven't been that faithful to him lately, so I don't know if he'll be there to receive me. Oh lord I can HEAR all of the cliche'd responses to that already, "Leah the Lord is always there for you, he will never turn away from you, he will always take you back!" I do know this ladies and gents. I realized tonight that I'm almost scared to come to God anymore. Not because I'm scared of him, but more of what he has planned for me. So much of my eating disorder depends on my reaction to failure, and I'm afraid that if I come to God with something, and I get an answer I wasn't expecting or prepared for...something I may not want...I'll just take it as my failure. Kind of twisted...but does that make sense? Sortof? eh. maybe.
I'm.so.homesick. I miss my daddy. mommy. boggspeachesabbs. I miss those 5 pieces of my heart. I miss them so much it literally hurts.
I miss my best friend. Being able to tell her anythinggg and never shock her any more with what comes out of my mouth. I miss her understanding. I miss her compassion. honesty. smile. massages :) bluntness. humor. ahh...there is nothing like a girls best friend - especially one that's been putting up with me for years.
I miss running on the dark streets of Orange City...knowing that the town is tucked in for the night, and I have the road to myself. I miss the comfort of familiarity, the feeling of home. It's one of those things you don't even realize how good it feels until it's gone. I know now.

Sleepless

2010-02-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

If you're still reading this blog, kudos, and you have obviously noticed by now that I've changed the layout, yet again. I'm surprised the picture lasted as long as it did. I tend to have a short attention span and get bored of things easily, so I'm shocked I made it until February without changing it once. There is a reason for the change of picture...and no it's not because I'm leaving New York. If anything, this weekend only confirmed the fact that I want to live here more than anywhere else. No...the change in picture was about perspective. With having a New York scene as the background to "dream it, live it", I was suggesting New York to be the dream. Which is true...now. But plans change, paths wind, and doors open and close. When I dream, I need to keep an open mind. I can't focus on one specific plan, because it only sets me up for failure, which is something I do not deal easily with. Instead, I need to remember my needs as well as my wants. I have to keep reality in check, and in doing this remind myself that my needs may not always be the same as my wants.
But for now...my wants. I've tossed around the idea of moving back home. For the most part, a need more than a want. Yes, I miss my family and close friends there a ridiculous amount...and I realize that by choosing to live here, I'm loosing valuable time with them that cannot be replaced. But the comfort of being close to them would only make up for so much. I know that moving home would feel as if I was settling...giving up something amazing for something easy and comfortable. Whether good or bad, the truth is that after leaving, people change. I know many ways in which I've already changed since leaving the Midwest, and there are probably more I don't even pick up on. I would feel out of place after living in the city for a year, and to be blunt, I'd be freaking bored. The one reason that would put me back at home would be my eating disorder, and as sad as it makes me, it may be a great enough reason to go back when it comes time to decide.
I know it seems incredible to say I hang out in New York City every weekend, and I live a mere couple of miles from the ocean shore, but there is so much more depth to why I love it here. I have truly become a member of this amazing family. GiaGia and Papou treat me just as well as any of their grandchildren, and Joe and Helen would do anything in the world for me. It's the little things that let me know they care...Helen remembering my Starbucks order and picking me up a coffee when she knows I need it, Joe buying sugar free oatmeal after noticing me eating it for breakfast, not thinking twice when including taking my order for take-out...everything you would do for a typical family member. And the boys - I cannot justly describe my relationship with these boys in words. They may as well be blood related to me. Having a family here means the world to me. And yes, it is New York City, but it's so much more than that. It's opportunity, the rush of the fast-pace life, the open doors just waiting for me to recognize and step through. It's the proof that I've pushed through and made it as far as I have. And it's the motivation to hang on to what I've fought so hard for...not letting my eating disorder control the decision that will determine the next chapter of my life.
You will roll your eyes...but I'm the biggest fan of Sex and the City, and in one of the episodes, Carrie describes her love affair with the city. I never questioned the idea, knowing New York City had to be amazing, but after being here...I really understand it. It sounds a little crazy to be in love with a city, but when I look at all of the things that city represents, it makes perfect sense to me. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment and failure by setting the city as my standard for dreams, but right now, New York City does stand for more to me than the initial assumption, and I cannot let my eating disorder take that away from me.

Bright Lights and Late Nights

2010-02-14T13:39:00.009-05:00

~Happy Valentine's Day~

OK. So anyone who knows me knows I hate this holiday, but I'm trying to lighten up a little and get in the spirit of things, so the least I could do is spread the love a little by wishing you a happy Valentine's Day.
The only year I had a legit valentine was my senior year of high school. We had literally started dating 9 days before, so that was just asking for somewhat of an awkward night. And it was definitely delivered. We ended up at the same restaurant as his brother and sister-in-law, who I had never met, and actually were seated right next to them. So, needless to say, with him ending up to be a total douche lord, the second season of Grey's Anatomy and 6 dried roses were the best things to come out of that night. I will say, this year I do have the most adorable valentines. My boys, of course, Tommy and Chris. They got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with 2 roses included to represent themselves...so thoughtful :) To celebrate my love for myself, I'm laying in bed, sipping my coffee, and watching Clueless. And my Juicy Couture necklace and earrings are on their way, via e-bay :). The fact that I don't have a boyfriend is not going to deny me jewelry on this wicked holiday. Who's credit card it goes on is all irrelevant in the end. I also got a package in the mail from my parents - I can always rely on them to be my valentine. Fuzzy socks and a cute polka dot umbrella along with the sweetest card went a long way this morning in lifting my mood. True Love.

Speaking of true love, I got to see one of mine from home this weekend :) My friend Meghan, who was one of my supervisors at Express, came up to visit some friends with her boyfriend, so I met up with them in the city last night. After spending some time at a bar called "The Yard", we took a cab over took a hooka lounge/bar. It was amazing inside...designed to look like the inside of a cave...something you would only find in New York. It was so fun to see Megs again; I love how we can just pick up where we left off and have a good time. I always had such a great time with her, and she was one of the few at work I talked to about my eating disorder, so I was closer to her than most. It made me realize how much I do miss parts of home.
At 2:30, I realized I wasn't sure of the train schedule back to Long Island, and decided I should probably get to the station. Pepper Spray in hand, I found an ATM (for the 3rd time that night) and hailed a cab. (I love doing this...I feel so Carrie Bradshaw) After a long cab ride, I made it to Penn Station only to realize I missed my train, and ended up waiting until 4:50 for the next. I made the mistake of falling asleep once I finally got on the train, missing my stop...and long story short, after running around in my heeled cowboy boots (ouch), finally locating a cab, and forking over I-don't-even-want-to-know-how-much money to get home, I strolled through my door at 7 AM. Lets just say half the reason I'm laying in bed right now is because my toes are red and swollen to twice their normal size.

Joe and Helen are going to dinner tonight, so I'm celebrating the night by vegging out with my boys. I wouldn't want it any other way. It's Sunday...the start of a new week...and I'm hoping that this one will be a good one. I haven't had one in a while, so it's definitely time. Juicy Couture may be on its way, but fighting for a good week for myself is an even better gift.

Lighter Day

2010-02-12T12:58:00.005-05:00

It's time to post, and it's time for a little lighter reading material. Good grief my blog starts to get dark after a while. So, completely avoiding Ed, I'll give you something a little more cheerful to read and provide myself a few positive reminders in the meantime. Valentine's Day is coming up...the most loathed day of the entire year for me. But, in order to put a positive spin on it, I'm going to think of all of the things I'm in love with in my life right now (in no particular order as you'll see)...which are greater than any feelings I'd have for some douche lord of a boyfriend anyways :)

* My Family --OK, so I said no particular order, but these 5 people will always hold the majority of my heart-- "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all"

* My friends - is it strange to say I'm in love with my friends? Because I am...and if you knew them, saw what they have done for me, then you would probably be in love with them too.

* Starbucks Coffee - it runs through my veins.

* My "boys" in New York..and my family here in general - precious, precious, precious. And confirmation that I will find no greater joy in life than having children of my own.

* Fleece blankets...sheets...anything I can cuddle up in after a bad day.

* New York City - Have you been here? How can you not fall in love with this city? It takes my breath away...no matter how often I go.

* Books books, and more books. I love to loose myself in Barnes and Noble; I use them as decoration in my room. There is something so comforting about being able to escape reality and be engulfed in an entirely different world.

* My faith - it may not always be prominent, and is under constant question and scrutiny, but so fits the description of any love affair...

No Choice

2010-02-05T20:10:00.003-05:00

I was going to write a post last night, but as I started to describe my feelings about where I am right now in my life and my anxieties over what's to come, I actually got so upset that I stopped writing. I put on my ipod, took my ambien, and waited to be carried away into my one reliable escape of reality. As I was drifting off, the song "Have Your Way" came on, and I was able to get enough of a handle on my thoughts to focus them on the lyrics for a brief moment. I've talked about this song before, how I am able to connect with the words in a way that I am able to use it as a prayer when I can't find a prayer for myself. The song was exactly what I needed to hear before I fell asleep. It was the reassurance I was looking for, and the comfort that I was craving.

I really struggle with what my plans will be once my year is up with the Roccos. Over the last short 5 months that I've been here, they have truly become my family. I love each one of them, and they all hold a special place in my heart. The boys are my world; I can't imagine how I'll feel about my own children knowing how much I care for these boys. I consider Papou and Gia Gia to be just another set of Grandparents, and all of their cousins mine. I love New York. I love the night life here; I love the rush of the fast-paced life, and I love the variety. The city still takes my breath away; the feeling I get when I'm there is indescribable. All of these things...and you wonder why I'm struggling with a decision of whether or not to stay. But all of that aside, my eating disorder is a factor that I just cannot ignore. It's difficult...because I don't want it to affect major decisions in my life any longer. I don't want it to let it be the factor that determines choices concerning schools, jobs, or where I live. But realistically, it's going to. My eating disorder is very strong right now, and ignoring its existence is only going to empower it more. Since I've been in New York, my symptom use has gradually worsened. My self esteem, starting to be built back up, has been crushed, and my thoughts have only gotten stronger and darker. I want to do all I can to stay in New York - but I don't know if all of my strength, alone, is enough. I really don't know if I am able to do this without my family and friends here for support. I don't know if I'm able to do this without Mary and my team in Sioux Falls. The materialistic and self-obsessed attitude in New York will never go away. The pressure to be thin, which is significantly greater in New York, will always be here. And I don't know if I can recover from my eating disorder while engulfed by all of these things. What am I suppose to do, while everything I want for my life is in my hands, yet is empowering my eating disorder by the day?

I need to be stronger. I need to start fighting harder. I cannot give this up. I know if I leave, I will never forgive myself. It would be another heart break that I don't know I'd be able to bear. There are no options...there is only one solution. I need to start beating this - I really have no other option.

cloudy forecast

2010-01-28T23:43:00.003-05:00

What are you suppose to do when you don't feel like life is enough.

My life seems incredible on the outside. But no one other than myself can know what my mind thinks. Can feel what my heart feels. Can see what I go through each day. Every day.
It doesn't leave me alone. He's always there, intricately weaving his way through every thought and emotion. He controls my every move, plans out every detail of my schedule. I don't understand why it won't just let me go - I've hinted countless times I don't want to stay. The longer he hangs on...the harder it is to leave. I want to break free; I want to gain back control, but after over 2 years of this, I don't know if it's really possible. Is recovery achievable? Or is it just some exaggerated and embellished form of learning to cope with an eating disorder? Judging from my relationship with my eating disorder, I can't see it as being one that is ever completely broken.

The future is a scary thing. Especially when I think about it including Ed. Which I feel I have to do now...I don't feel him leaving me any time soon. So when I think about my future, make plans for what's to come, I need to take into consideration my eating disorder. A future with Ed is not only scary to me...it's hopeless.

Identity Crisis

2010-01-22T22:04:00.009-05:00

You Knit Me Together
You knit me together in my mothers womb, you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you, I praise you. You knit me together in my mother's womb. (repeat)

Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made I praise you, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I praise you, I praise you. You knit me together in my mothers womb.

The lyrics are simple. Sweet. Succinct. But they're powerful. I never thought too deeply into them...I was only 8 when I sang them at my baby sister's baptism. It was my first solo, dressed in my handmade green dress adorned with white picket fences and roses, and my little house on the prairie boots to match. I was the quintessential modern day Laura Ingalls Wilder. I never would have thought that the song I sang on that day would be the most meaningful one when thinking back on all of my selections 13 years later. I was at my addictions support group when the leader quoted from this song, and while my mind was wandering at the moment, hearing his words forced me back into the present. I was knit together in my mother's womb. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. By God. Not by someone that didn't know what he was doing; someone that could potentially make errors or mistakes in his creation. I was made by God, in just the way that he intended. Knowing this confirms my belief in the fact that the devil plays a major role in my eating disorder. It is a mental disorder, but only someone such as the devil would want to carry it so far as my eating disorder does in forcing me to try and change the person God has created me to be. If God intended for Leah Vanden Bosch to be a size 0, he would have made me a size 0. If I was meant to be a size 0, I could have maintained that size, living a healthy lifestyle and being happy and in control while doing it. I wouldn't need to spend hours slaving away at the gym, go days upon days without eating, or gorge myself on food only to throw it up. I wouldn't be completely miserable, letting my life pass me by while I spent hours in my bed, feeling indifferent to the idea of life. I've been at this major road block in my eating disorder for a while now - the acceptance of myself. I'm at my body's set point. I'm at a healthy weight; a weight where I can maintain a regular lifestyle of eating and exercise, where I can bounce back after a binge and purge. I've spent months at this same size, and yet every day I wake up thinking that I'll be OK after I loose a quick 10 pounds. It's exhausting. Why can't I be satisfied with the body that God intended me to have? Who am I to think I know better than God? To think that I can do better than him - I can make Leah Vanden Bosch look better than God can? What the hell is that. Along with thinking I need to loose some weight, every day at some point I wish I never would have gotten involved with Ed. I hate myself for not turning back when I could have; for having a choice in the matter and choosing my eating disorder. If at that point of choice, when I could have escaped my eating disorder, if I would have just chosen to accept Leah the way she was then, I would have avoided spending my entire life searching for acceptance. It could have been just one moment, one choice, but now, it's become a never ending journey where a finish line doesn't seem to exist. Even though it may take my entire life, and I usually can't envision it, I will find this damn acceptance, and I will make it mine.
I'm Leah Vanden Bosch. I am a strong, independent, stubborn woman. I'm smart, I'm funny, and I can be a little loud. I'm a bit crazy, but I know when to keep it in check. I tend to have a dirty mouth, but it's all in good fun. I'm indecisive, explaining why my e-bay account has been suspended 3 different times. I'm in love with my family and my best friends; I would do anything in the world for them. I love my family and life in New York, and after caring for my 2 boys here, I know that I will find all the joy in the world of having kids of my own. I love going to class, when I'm actually in college, and learning new things. I love to read, study subjects I'm passionate about, and loose myself in a world of unknowns and possibilities. I want to be an English and literature teacher, giving high school and college students the opportunity to be as passionate about the subject as I am. I desire to travel the world, experiencing as much culture as one possibly can in a life time, learning new customs and seeing the sights that often one only hears of. I'm passionate in wanting to overcome my eating disorder, to share my story, and to give others hope of overcoming. If I can help even one person, inspire one girl. My life is full of possibilities. I have endless opportunities in the palm of my hand. And I will not loose them. I refuse to let them pass me by. I will not give up the incredible life waiting for me, just for a fucking pant size. When people think of me, try to describe me, I want them to think of these things. I will not be defined by my eating disorder; I will not let that become my identity.
I am Leah Vanden Bosch. I am not my eating disorder.
And that, my friends, is the passion that cannot be faked.

Broken Heart

2010-01-19T02:14:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I've pressed the delete key and started over more in any other post than I have this one. So, considering my frustration and annoyance at this point, I'm refusing to erase anything I type from here on. It's 2:30 in the morning right now, and though I know my laxatives probably won't kick in for another 8 hours or so, my impatience is keeping me up. I hate the waiting game that comes with them...first relieved that I took them, then regretting I gave in to my eating disorder, and then feeling the cramps and nausea and REALLY regretting that I gave in to my eating disorder...and all the while feeling impatient and annoyed in having to sit with this full, disgusting feeling in my stomach. On top of it all, most contain caffeine, adding to the explanation of me being up all night after taking them. Not the best drug to have built such a tolerance for - completely dragging out the entire process to a ridiculous amount of time.

I wanted to write a really motivational post. I wanted to sound full of hope and inspiration, sure of myself and my fight in my eating disorder. I wanted to declare that I was determined to be the success story, inspiring girls to realize they had the ability to recover. The positivity I wanted in my post can't be faked...which is why it won't be happening. I had it all planned out in my head, the determined and confident statements, but I can't seem to find my way back to them now.
I've really been struggling...for a while now. It seems my challenges have come to new levels; levels that I don't always find the strength to overcome. I think that right now, the best way to describe what I'm feeling is to say I'm hurting. Yes, lax cramps kill like a bitch, but I don't really mean physically. My heart...it hurts. Have you ever had that? Where you swear your heart physically hurts? Because mine does, and the feeling is often unbearable.

My heart hurts. It hurts for the years I've missed, the direction I've lost, the opportunities that have passed. My heart hurts for the loss of my identity, my self esteem, my self worth. My passions that have died, my promises broken to myself and others, my prayers that seem to go unanswered. I hurt for my faithlessness to God...my knowledge of it, and yet feeling indifferent towards it. My broken relationships - those may make my heart hurt most. I realized tonight that, besides very few exceptions, my eating disorder has really impacted almost all of my relationships - and not for the better. It has put a strain on most, leaving a big white elephant in the room that no one really wants to discuss with me any longer. I find myself often feeling very alone for this reason...only making me crave my eating disorder more. I've endured many broken hearts. Boys that don't share mutual feelings, have used me, left me for a different girl - those broken hearts play a major role in my eating disorder. No...being broken hearted is not foreign to me. But the broken heart I've suffered as a result of my eating disorder is by far the most painful. And unlike the others, it does not seem to be healing over time.

Distortion

2010-01-13T23:28:00.002-05:00

3 eggs with motz cheese
Cup of spinach w/ light ranch, sprinkled with cheese and bacon bits
Hamburger meat with tomato sauce and hot sauce sprinkled with cheese

I had to write out my intake for the day...and try and remind myself that it isn't an overly ridiculous amount of food. All I can hear is Ed screaming at me for not going to the gym twice today. I went after my eggs out of guilt and regret - he demanded I burn off every calorie and then some. And now I have the salad and meat still in me...and I feel disgusting. I feel like I have a 5 pound rock sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

Why does my mind make this intake seem so horrible...so much more than what it actually is?
I feel like I shouldn't eat for a week.

Have Your Way

2010-01-09T13:00:00.006-05:00

Alright. Time for a more positive post. My last one was sort of a downer...I was caught up in a cycle when I wrote it. Even though everything I wrote was true, it was a pretty hopeless post, so whether or not what I write about today is progress, I'll try to be a little more positive about it nonetheless.
I'm happy to report that I've crawled out of an awful cycle; there have been no binge/purge/laxative symptom uses for a few days. Which attributes to the more motivated attitude. Honestly...it's almost evil, but sometimes I wish that everyone could experience one day of binging, purging, and laxatives. Leah-style. It obviously takes a toll on my mental and emotional state, with enormous amounts of shame, guilt, frustration, ect. coming into play, but holy crud...physically - it's incredibly draining. Headaches, stomach aches, cramping, dizziness - half the reason why I hit such a low mood when I'm in that cycle is because my body is halfway shut off throughout the whole process. So, being that I've been out of that cycle for almost 4 days is definitely a freeing feeling.
Not to say that I've been without ed though...or symptom use as a whole. Lately, even before my last b/p/l cycle, I've been struggling with the restricting/fasting/exercising part of my eating disorder. Which I should be more upset about. It's always difficult for me when I'm in this cycle...basically because I don't consider it a cycle. I think of it as doing "well". When in fact, keeping a food journal, limiting my cal intake to a certain amount every day, and spending hours at the gym...that's not well. Last night when I was out, my friend commented that I looked really skinny, and asked if I'd lost weight since the last time I saw her. I'm scared of once again becoming a slave to the scale, so I haven't been weighing myself, but hearing her comment was motivation that I do not need to have. Ed loves the word skinny. Thrives off of it. The only time in my life I have ever been called skinny is when I've been with Ed...and I haven't been called it since restoring my weight. I need to work on finding a balance in my eating and exercising. Which is wayyyy easier said than done. Food journals have been said to help in healthy eating, and it's been suggested to me to try in monitoring what I eat and help ward off binges, but it's only a challenge for me - a chance to see where I can cut more calories and burn off more of what I do consume. So the food journal has to go, the exercising needs to be limited, and my meal plan needs a little work. I'll see what I can do...
My posts seem to be filled with eating-disorder related material, but believe it or not - I do have a life here. A pretty damn good one at that. I was talking to one of my best friends the other day, and after telling her about some of what I do here and possible plans for the future, she told me I had a "crazy-cool life". I thought about that for a minute, and realized she is so right. I get really caught up in my struggles, but if I lay out the facts and put my eating disorder aside, I have an incredible life. I moved to New York from Iowa without knowing a soul, became a part of an incredible family, and have established myself really well for only being here for 4 months. I've found great churches to go to, new friends to spend time with, and a possible school to attend. I get to go into New York City every weekend. Hello...can I just say that again? I get to go to fricken New York City every weekend. I have a subway pass in my wallet, next to my pepper spray :). So through my battle with Ed, I do get to live an amazing life. And having that is motivation to keep fighting...wanting to keep this life I have.

So, speaking of going into New York City every weekend, I got the chance to see the Christmas decorations at Rockefeller Center last weekend. Valia, Vicky, Costa and I took the train into Manhattan from Brooklyn last Saturday, braving the cold weather, to finally catch a glimpse of the Christmas tree by the skating rink at Rockefeller Center. (Which is where the picture is taken that I've attached) Mommy has always said she wants to go ice skating there, under the tree, so I'm hoping next Christmas we can make her wish come true. It's just so incredible for me to see all of these things in person that I only heard about growing up. To climb up the subway steps and step into the streets of Manhattan, being surrounded by skyscrapers, bright lights, and NYC taxis...it's one of the best feelings in the world. I hope it never gets old to me; I hope I never take for granted being here; I hope I always feel "in love" with New York City. I may struggle with one hell of a disorder, but I also live one hell of a life while doing it - and I hope having that will help me continue to fight.
I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I have no Christian radio stations here, so I often find myself missing being able to get those little musical reminders as I run errands or drive into the city. It's one of those things you don't really appreciate until it's gone; I didn't realize how much I enjoyed having it until I didn't. So, in order to compensate, I went on a little shopping spree on itunes earlier this week to download the latest songs that are playing on Christian radio stations. While I was browsing, I found the song "Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole. While doing this music search, I had just gone through symptom use, and I was feeling really angry at God. After hearing this song, I felt like it was an answer to a prayer I wasn't even really aware I had prayed. I had been cursing God in my head, frustrated with myself and once again putting the blame on him, and it seemed that the lyrics of this song had been His response to all of it. I know I've said it before about how I always seem to find songs that I feel like I've written myself, and this song is exactly that. It's not only applicable to me and my eating disorder though. I think often in life we question situations and struggles in life, and we forget that God has complete control of all of it - knowing the purpose and reasoning behind it all the entire time. Having an eating disorder is not the "way" I would have chosen for my life. I often question where I live... obviously not because of the quality of my life now, but because of how much I miss my family. I struggle over what to do career-wise, having changed my mind multiple times with what to do for the rest of my life. But all of these concerns and fears...they're not in my hands. I need to learn to let it go and give it all to God. I need to stop struggling to gain control over things I'm not meant to control, nor have the ability to do so. There's a reason why my life has played out the way it has, and I need to trust that some day, God will reveal his purpose in it all.

Have Your Way

Feels like I've been here forever, Why can't you just intervene, Do you see the tears are falling? And I'm falling apart at the seams, But you never said the road would be easy, But you said that you would never leave. And you never promised that this life wasn't hard, But you promised you'd take care of me,
So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape, I'll trust you God with where I am, And believe you will have your way, Just have your way, Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me I feel so ashamed and so cold, Remind you take broken things and turn them into beautiful
So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape, I'll trust you God with where I am, And believe you will have your way

Wasting Time

2010-01-06T00:19:00.003-05:00

I'm not in the place to post right now, so I'm not going to say a lot. I was doing really well..sort of... until the last couple of days...I've been all over the place in terms of my eating disorder since then.
When I was in Intensive Outpatient treatment after I was released from the hospital last year, I was instructed to make a pie chart showing the % of what my thoughts were during the day. I remember that thoughts concerning my eating disorder were around 80% of my total thoughts...only 10% lower than what I predicted it was before going into treatment. When I was in my family meeting, I had to show my parents my pie chart. I'll never forget my dad's reaction when he saw it. He has always been the patient and rational one when it comes to my eating disorder, but seeing the large amount that I had covered in pink to represent my eating disorder, my dad broke down. He lost his temper with me, right in front of my psychologist and mom, trying not to yell as he expressed how upset it made him and how he couldn't understand how I still devoted that much time and thought to some made up voice inside of my head. My mom was the one that needed to intervene for the first time since I started discussing my eating disorder with them. I think when I lay out facts like that in black and white, it's shocking for some people to see. I try to explain things like this...but until it's written down on paper in factual form, sometimes no one really gets it. If I account what that percentage would be today, I think it would come out to about the same. After over a year of trying to recover...and still around 80% of my thoughts are consumed by my eating disorder. What a fricken waste.
Say I'm awake for 16 hours a day. In 16 hours, I spend almost 13 of them thinking about my eating disorder. Does that sound like an exaggeration to you? Because I know the numbers make it seem that way...but it seems about accurate to me. And you wonder why it's difficult for me to want to leave my eating disorder. I obsess over it. I spend most of my day with it. It's a scary thought...being without it. Staying with ed....that becomes less and less scary every day.

It Goes On

2009-12-29T20:06:00.004-05:00

As most of you know, I went home for Christmas - hence my lack of posts. I've known for quite some time that I would go home to surprise my family, so though the last couple of weeks have been rough - I've been using that knowledge as motivation. I shouldn't look at it this way, but it's discouraging to be back in New York, settled into my regular routine, without the excitement and hope of a break in going home and seeing my family. After a much needed 5 day get away, ed had no trouble in finding his place in my schedule today. Shocker there. I'll try and keep this post as positive as possible after a pretty rough day. Which is an understatement.
I hardly made it home with the snowstorm in the Midwest, but thankfully my flight arrived in Omaha decently on time. I cannot put into words how excited I was to see Bogger waiting for me at the end of the hallway in Omaha. You know those people in airports you can't help but watch and smile at; the ones who can't contain their excitement and happiness in finally being reunited? We were definitely those people. After a dragging car ride of over 4 hours home from Omaha, I was finally able to see the rest of my family - a very long awaited moment. In any other situation, a holiday weekend that involved being snowed in with an abundant amount of bonding time, I may have been annoyed, but this past weekend I couldn't get enough of it. I miss my family so much in New York; I don't think I will ever be able to again satisfy my need to be with them short of moving back into my parents house.
I was obviously happy to be home concerning the fact that it was Christmas; I think almost any person in the world wants to be with their family on Christmas Day. But more than that, being home was a relief I needed in my eating disorder. Not that being home makes it go away, considering that is the place I lived when it developed, but it brings it into the open, which is something that really benefits my fight against ed. My daddy and I are very close, and I am very blunt and honest with him when it comes to my eating disorder, so having such a strong support under the same roof as me is a huge defense against ed. He suggests when and what to eat, he always eats with me, and he is there with an open ear, ready to listen to any struggles I am having. It's the closest I come to literally having someone hold my hand through meal times, which is something I wish I was able to count on every day. Being surrounded by people that know about my eating disorder may seem suffocating and shameful at times, but it only adds to the support I have. My cousin, who hosted our Christmas gathering, was thoughtful enough to set aside chicken at dinner for me, learning while I lived with her through treatment that I get overwhelmed with foods mixed with unknown ingredients. She knew enough to set the dessert platter in a separate, small room off of the kitchen, making sure I wasn't able to conveniently pass by it. Having those small things done for me helps so much in my fight; they may seem unnecessary or dramatic, but they're effective. It makes me think that if I lived at home, recovering would be so much more simple and achievable than it is in New York. And honestly, that's probably true to a certain extent. But I know how unhappy I would be at home to - knowing what I'd left in New York - and I've never been one to settle. Leaving here would be just that, settling, and I'm not willing to do that now. Certainly not for something that's already taken so much away from me.
I need to try to take what daddy reminded me of while I was home and apply it to my life in New York. Nothing changes with Leah's needs whether I live in my parents home or here...so I don't see why my fight against ed needs to change. Today was hard. No...it was torture. My first day back...not the way I wanted to spend it. Which, instead of getting caught up on, I'm going to use as motivation for tomorrow. As bad as today was, spending the next day in the same cycle will only be worse. So tomorrow...though I may still be paying the consequences of my choices today...I need to pick myself back up and keep going.
Most of the best talks I've had with my daddy are over coffee, and we were able to squeeze in a few of those while I was at home. It seems each time I learn something new and valuable, with daddy putting life lessons in perspective of my eating disorder. This time around, one of the most important things he reminded me of is that life goes on. I do have days here where I can't seem to get myself out of bed, staying in it until literally past noon. But those days in which I can't find a glimpse of hope, I need to remember that the moment will pass. Those feelings of depression will fade, and I will get through that day. I may not be able to see light...but I need to have faith that the light is there. I have a plaque next to my bed that says "faith is seeing light with your heart, when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead". My eyes may not be able to see recovery and life, but my heart lives off of the hope that it's there. And so tomorrow, remembering the day I had today and the consequences I'll pay, I'm sure I'll struggle to get out of bed. But all I need to do is roll over, glance at the plaque, and remind myself of exactly that. In that moment, I may feel broken and defeated, but that moment will pass. My life in itself is a complex idea for me to understand...its meaning, reasons, purpose, destiny. But one thing is certain, one fact remains the same...life goes on.

Promise Broken

2009-12-17T23:06:00.002-05:00

Imagine you lost someone that you loved. Someone that was there to comfort you when you were scared, and kept you company when you felt alone. When you felt completely abandoned, they were there to make you feel as if you belonged. Someone that made you feel proud, made you feel accomplished, made you feel like you were strong. What if you had someone in your life that protected you from any hurt. They took away all of your sadness, and they helped you cope with your anger and frustration. When you felt the entire world had let you down, they were always there to help bring you back up. At the end of the day, when everyone else had turned their backs, you could always count on this certain someone to be there for you.
I miss my eating disorder.

I still have it, obviously, but I miss being content with it. Oblivious. I miss not constantly fighting it, but instead fulfilling it.
Lately I'm just feeling stuck. Like I'm not really going anywhere...I'm not really sliding downhill at breakneck speed like I often am, but I'm not getting any better either. I've had a few days of bingeing/purging/lax, then scattered restricting days...I'm just sort of sitting in a slump, and I'm not sure how to attempt to get out. I'm afraid if I try something to drastic, it'll end up going backwards instead of forward...if that makes sense. I think I've lost my period again too. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I should be upset, but then there's ed giving a victory cry. I'm not really sure why it went away either...I'm not really loosing weight, I'm getting in plenty of calories through bingeing for the energy level required, and my lax intake isn't any higher than it was a month ago. I think the exercise may be what did it - my eating disorder has not been easy on me when it comes to gym time. Whatever the reason, I know I need to make sure it comes back soon...I've gone long enough without it, so stabilizing it needs to be a priority now.

Aside from my eating disorder, I don't have a lot to report. My house here looks beautiful - Helen loves to decorate for the holidays. And she definitely went all out for Christmas. Every room is decked out, setting the mood for the holidays in the entire house. I've done most of my Christmas shopping, and I'm constantly listening to Christmas music...yet I don't really feel like it will be here next week. For some reason, I just can't get into the holiday mode this year. I know being away from home contributes to that, as well as my eating disorder. I promised myself I wouldn't let it tarnish things this year, but alas - one more promise to myself broken.

Tis the Season

2009-12-11T09:39:00.002-05:00

Ever since the year when our Christmas tree fell down 3 different times, once on top of Abby, and we discovered re-decorating it multiple times was not very fun, my mom decided to get a fake Christmas tree. She has always been a little obsessive with our Christmas trees, spending hours stringing hundreds and hundreds of lights on to it, so she knew she wanted to invest the most real-looking fake Christmas tree she could find. And she didn't do too bad, considering she would stick a real evergreen branch in the fake trees when shopping, seeing if it blended in or not. Despite the quality of our tree at home, there is nothing that compares to having a real evergreen tree set up in your living room for Christmas. Our family went and picked one out last night, bringing home a 9 foot, full, fragrant tree - one that barely fit in our living room. I hadn't gone to pick out a tree for years, so it was really fun for me to get all bundled up, listening to Christmas music on the drive, and pull out various trees, looking for that perfect one. I love to walk into the living room now and smell the evergreen. It reminds me of Christmases when I was younger; it reminds me of being a kid. It brings back a more innocent, naive feeling of Christmas...one that is hard to find else where.

Things have been a little rocky with my eating disorder. I was working really hard to stick to my meal plan for a few days, struggling with restricting, and then was lead into 3 days of solid bingeing/purging/laxatives...not a lot of fun. At all. Today is my first day free of that, I pray, and nothing feels more freeing. I cannot even describe how low I feel when I am in that cycle. Its unfathomable to me how I can put myself in a position like that. I guess it's just the power of my eating disorder. But no matter how many times I'm thrown into that, I somehow pry myself out, whether it takes a day or a week. I'm just trying to stick to my meal plan today, fighting the restricting that I already feel tempting me, and hope that I can be on the right path for a while. I need a break after these last few days.

I need to get going - Joe, Helen and I are going to an outlet mall nearby to do some Christmas shopping. Hopefully I'll stick to presents for others only :)

Long Time, No Post

2009-12-08T01:47:00.002-05:00

It's been a week since I've posted...honestly I've been so busy with school work, going into the city over the weekend, and spending time with the boys that I've hardly had time - I didn't even really intentionally avoid posting this time. But, here I am again. If you're still reading my blogs, you know me too well now to know I wouldn't completely abandon my blog.

I've been doing kind of sort of OK with my eating disorder. Until tonight, it had been almost 3 days without any major symptom use...which is good I suppose. At the end of last week I struggled with laxatives, and then had a minor binge...well, minor to me is probably an obscene amount to you, but it wasn't horrible. Then I was able to go Saturday and Sunday without any ed activity...probably because I was with friends in the city and was able to keep myself busy. I did OK today, or so I thought, but I ended up using symptoms tonight. I didn't take my meds before bed tonight...lord only knows why, so now it's 2:00 and I'm not feeling the least bit tired. I'm upset that I used symptoms, and thoughts are running through my head at a mile a minute, so that's not really helping. I'm just feeling really down and discouraged right now I guess. I've figured out that it really helps if I buy my own groceries, my "safe" foods and things that I'm familiar with, and stick to the same meal plan I had when I was starting to recover. My diet is boring because I literally eat the same thing for every single meal and snack, but I need that comfort to stick to it. I think that's what helped me get through Saturday and Sunday, but after getting off track tonight I feel like I'm just thrown back into square one again. I'm sorry this post is so uninformative and boring...but I'm just really feeling defeated right now. Again.

This song just randomly played on my itunes...I'm still always a little bit amazed at how I find songs that seem to describe exactly how I'm feeling.

"Bring on the Rain"
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

How?

2009-11-30T15:24:00.002-05:00

This commercial makes me sad. It seems dramatic, but it's not. It's reality. And it makes me feel a little hopeless. How am I suppose to be able to get better if this is the world I live in?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6JvK0W60I

Not a great start....

2009-11-30T11:32:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was home, only it wasn't my house, and I was walking through the house in the middle of the night. I found a room stocked full of Twinkies, Swiss Rolls, cookies, and chocolate. That's how I knew I was about to binge when I woke up this morning. You may think I'm crazy, but after all of this time...I know. When I'm fasting or really restricting, I'll have dreams right before I binge. I wake up, completely terrified that it actually happened, only to put myself through it in reality a few hours later. Since my sushi on Friday all I'd had was nine carrots, so it's hardly a wonder it happened. None the less shameful or disappointing though. Or hellish. I guess I should be happy I made it five days without binge/purge/laxative use...even though I was aiming for a week, I guess I could settle with five. Maybe now I can aim to make those five days a six or more. I hope.
It's frustrating...the spot I'm at right now. My clothes are getting a bit baggier and more loose fitting, but my weight isn't going down. I know I shouldn't be concerned with this - I shouldn't even be weighing myself, but I just don't understand what's going on. I thought I'd loose weight for sure by just stopping the binges, even more so with a diet of carrots. Instead of being motivated to try and sustain a regular meal plan after this binge, I'm feeling pressure to go to the gym tonight and make sure to work off what I didn't purge, preventing any weight gain from my slip up this morning. Ughhhh. It just never ends. And I have so much school work to do this week and next with my semester ending; I cannot afford to be pouring a ton of time into this right now. I was suppose to write a paper today, but instead spent all morning with ed, and the rest of the day sleeping off the exhaustion it put my body through. I threw in the towel with my schooling a long time ago - I just have no motivation with online classes through NCC. I really don't want to take any classes next semester; I'm going to see if that's possible. It just wouldn't be worth it with me not putting any effort into it - with my eating disorder as strong as it is now, I really don't have the motivation or energy to do really well in my classes, and if I'm not going to do my best, then I don't want to do it at all.

Well. I'll officially feel like ass for the rest of the day. I'm hoping the lax doesn't kick in too soon to where I can go to the gym tonight and not feel like a total cow when I go to bed. If anything, I hope feeling like shit today sticks in my memory so I'll be able to fight this off harder this week...

Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

2009-11-28T12:55:00.005-05:00

After Helen and I were up until past midnight last night taking down fall decorations and pulling out the Christmas boxes, it's starting to look like that in our house. The most wonderful time of the year. I love everything about Christmas...the lights, decorations, music, time spent with family and friends. I'm so happy that Helen loves to go all out with the decorating; it's always been something I loved coming home to in Orange City, so it would be missed if I didn't have it.

I am happy to say I made it through Thanksgiving day without anything too eventful or traumatic in terms of my eating disorder. Honestly...it was a really great day. I went out the night before with Valia and our friends, meeting at a lounge in Brooklyn for drinks. Thanksgiving Day morning we woke up, ate breakfast, and headed into Manhattan to see some of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. (Picture above - Valia, me, Costa, Vicki, and Kareen) We were in a really good spot where we weren't too crowded but still had a great view of the floats. It was perfect weather, with no rain, and not too rainy or cold. It was really strange to think I was seeing the parade in person when I've watched it so many times on TV growing up. We headed back into Brooklyn after the parade and helped Denise get last-minute things together before everyone came over for dinner. The food was amazing with the authentic Greek food mixed in with traditional Thanksgiving dishes, and the dinner conversation was entertaining with random debates breaking out between the adults, all in Greek, with Valia or Costa constantly translating for me. It was different having such cultural influence on my Thanksgiving, but after that meal, I am OK with having Greek food included at every Thanksgiving meal. I did well throughout the whole thing, even dessert, and I think it's because since it was such a different setting for me concerning the Thanksgiving holiday it really distracted my eating disorder. I got really caught up in conversation with the family, and since I do know how to enjoy food now, I had amazing different dishes that I actually wanted to try, so I think that all helped. The day itself was actually great, and I didn't really have issues until I left to go back to Long Island. Once I was alone in my car with myself and my thoughts, I guess everything just sort of hit me - being away from my family, realizing what I had eaten throughout the day...it was not a fun car ride. I experienced incredible guilt for all of the indulgences I had in food and letting myself actually enjoy it while I ate it. I was really ashamed of myself, that I could have a good day and consume all of those calories at the same time. And then I started getting angry, because I couldn't even let myself enjoy a meal like that on a holiday and not feel shameful or guilty afterward. Practically every other person in America had a similar meal to mine, and yet I felt horrible for having it. I was really afraid that I would binge or purge when I got home, so I was thankful to find that Helen and Joe had already beaten me, helping me avoid that situation altogether.
I've been struggling since Thanksgiving day. I really wanted to take laxatives before going to bed Thursday night, but I fought the urge knowing that it would just make my day terrible on Friday, and I was home with the boys all day, so I really couldn't afford to not feel well. I had a really hard time getting out of bed Friday; my depression seemed to be really strong. I think it was because the excitement of my Thanksgiving and holiday was over, while I knew my whole family was together at my Grandmas in Alexandria for the rest of the weekend. It's hard for me to know they're all there celebrating the holiday and our traditions (aka black Friday) while I'm going on with my normal life here. So Friday I really struggled with my meal plan, throwing myself into cleaning, being with the boys, and organizing random things around the house...I ended up completely avoiding any food until Joe and Helen got home. I was planning on fasting all day, but after getting back from the gym I realized Helen had ordered sushi for us for dinner. I know it's not what I was planning, but I suppose that shows it is a good thing that I have a family here that keeps me accountable - even when they don't realize it. So sushi was all I had yesterday, and as of 1:00 right now, I still need to break out of the fasting mode and try to find my middle ground. I have absolutely no concentration right now, unable to do my homework, but instead of getting something to eat, I'm feeling pressure to go to the gym or run. I'm just so scared that if I start, I won't be able to stop...I've only binged and purged once this week, which is incredible for me considering the streaks I've been on lately, and I am going to do anything to not start another. I just wish that didn't have to mean one extreme to the other, like it seems to be right now.
OK. I need to get something done today. This weekend may not be very successful concerning my eating disorder, but that does not need to apply to my productivity as well.

Square One

2009-11-24T22:21:00.003-05:00

I'm here again. And hoping...praying...that I won't stay. I had 3 days of precious freedom, 3 days to catch a break and try and regroup, but I was thrown back into the cycle again today. Not for long I hope. It was a long day, exhausting, and the night isn't going to be much better. I already have my pillow, blanket, and alarm clock ready in the bathroom. Nights like this...I usually end up sleeping on the 7x7 tiled floor. Not the most comfortable, but the most convenient. Ohhhh Leah. Will I ever learn?

So. Here's hoping that tomorrow is a good day. I'm going to do more than hope though, I'm going to really fight for it. Because I cannot keep letting myself stay in these cycles for as long as I do. I need to start putting up more of a fight, not giving in so easily. I've built up a tolerance for my eating disorder, and that cannot happen. There is nothing tolerable about this. So this extreme symptom use that came out today, it's done tomorrow. It's going to be a battle, because I've been planning a fast tomorrow for a while, but I'm hoping to break through those thoughts and rationalize, try to find my middle ground.

I don't even need to think about why this happened today. I know why. It's almost here, Thursday, and I'm nervous and upset. I miss my family, I'm homesick, and it makes me feel incredibly lonely. I'm obviously looking to the wrong source of comfort, but you need to understand - that's what it is to me. Comfort. In a sick and twisted way, it calms me down. It's like a drug, and I needed my fix. I'm hoping that it's done with now, until the holiday, so I can try to enjoy my Thanksgiving. Maybe once the first major one is done with, it won't be so difficult...but it's really a lot harder than I thought being this far from my family. I think once I'm there, with the Polyzos, I'll have a great time and see that I can still celebrate and enjoy the day even if I'm away from home.

So. My ed has been keeping me from homework this whole week so far, so I should probably start to tackle some of that before the weekend rolls around. The least I can do is try to avoid myself a guilt trip for letting my schooling slip, as worthless as it may seem to me. Sorry for being so blah...but when I'm in this place, well. Knowing I'll be spending all night in the bathroom isn't really going to inspire excitement.

No More Procrastinating! Tomorrow :)

2009-11-23T23:43:00.005-05:00

My procrastination attempts are honestly ridiculous...I've gone to all lengths tonight to avoid reading a measly chapter in one of the most boring text books ever published and participate in a threaded discussion. Really...I'm not usually this bad at getting homework done...I just hate online classes. I've learned a total of nothing this semester, but I suppose I'm getting my money's worth, staying (sort of) busy, and keeping health insurance...all of that could equal up to being worth it. Don't worry - I'm not failing or anything, I don't think I could even fail if I tried at NCC. Ha, ok joking joking.

My mental countdown to Thanksgiving continues as the ever dreaded "Thanksgiving Feast" looms in front of me. Ahhhhh. It's enough to make me want to scream and hide under the bed. I'm very comfortable with everyone that I'll be with on Thursday, so I'm hoping that helps. I've eaten quite a few meals with them already, so eating in front of them won't be difficult, but just the connotation of the meal itself is going to be a struggle for me. It's like, no matter what I eat, my mind tells me that since it's my "Thanksgiving dinner" I automatically gain 5 pounds from it. Really. I believe this right now - even though I can tell you it will probably be around the same calorie intake as the Greek meal I had Saturday night at our last family gathering. But no...that wasn't Thanksgiving. So it was just a normal meal, weight-gain free. Ah. Ed, Ed, Ed...so comical. Anyways. I won't have my cousin Tanya serving up all of my portions this year, or Peaches sitting across from me, settling my shaking legs and mouthing "I love you" across the table. Hell - if people who didn't know me last year were reading this they would think I was nutzo. What's an average healthy (ick i hate that word) weighted girl bitching about being nervous for Thanksgiving Day dinner? Which is going to make me feel even more self conscious about it. But like they said in treatment - it's only a dinner. The same tallies, the same meal plan; it just has a title to it. So. I'm going to keep telling myself this as we get ready for Thursday. A dinner is a dinner, a tally is a tally, and Ed will stay the fuck out of my Thanksgiving day.

Ah sorry I got a little harsh in the end...didn't see that pent up frustration coming through so suddenly. I can usually sense it coming and censor it as I type, but the pace these fingers move and the endless thoughts that are pouring out, well, it slips sometimes. And I have a rule where I hardly let myself backspace on this...just because I want it to be my pure thoughts and feelings, so. You're stuck reading the sweet, gentle, thought out pleads, along with the sudden, crude, profane outbursts.

Well. Yesterday was not so A.O.K. with my little banana, apple, carrot stunt I pulled. Bad Leah. I have mixed reviews for today...which is good news in my mind for the place I've been lately. I started off with only apples and carrots...not smart, and I decided around 4 I needed something more - my chest was really starting to get painful. So I went for the protein, a couple of slices of cheese and some slices of chicken breast lunch meat. And then...oh man...here comes ed, whispering (ohh that cheese leah...think of the calories...you may as well have some of that chocolate in the bar. We'll stop after one. Maybe) Oh lordy, the minute I hear him...It's just like, "so it begins". Well. Today, I was not in the mood to deal with that shit. I still have a sore throat from the last time I purged on Friday, so nothing about that sounded appealing whatsoever to me, but I know it goes hand in hand with a binge - which is where Ed was trying to lead me. So, I tried to use my cognitive thinking, decided maybe I did need something a little more, but not chocolate, so I had some tuna with mustard and pepperonis. You are probably thinking my choices here are a little strange...well, the tuna is on my "safe list" of foods, and carbs are on my "bad list", so I was afraid if I put anything in my mouth other than fruit, veggies, or protein, I'd be damning myself to a binge. So, I loaded up on the protein and prayed I could keep it there. And I did. Joe came home and made dinner a couple hours later, so I had some steak and sausage to finish out the night. A shit ton of meat today - I feel like a fricken carnivore, but, no binge, no purge, no lax - I'll take it. Calorie-wise, It probably came out to around a normal day for what I should be getting...but knowing this and remembering I was going to try to do a 300 cal day, well I lost a little of my control at the gym and let ed push me further than I really wanted to go. So a minor battle lost there, but over all, today was a good day in my book.

Not a lot is new at the Rocco house - I don't know if I've even posted a lot about them lately. We had our family dinner last Saturday which was fun, it's always great to see everyone together. The boys have been keeping me busy at home. They have a lot of activities at school lately, so we've been working on a lot of homework assignments and projects. We just made the cutest turkey hats that they'll be wearing to school tomorrow - my little crafty self came out :) They can still make me want to pull out my hair at moments, but in the end, I can never stay angry. I love these two boys so much, they are really what keep me going. When I've had an awful day with ed and am at Chrissy's school to pick him up, nothing comforts me more than seeing his smiling face as he runs to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. And I get that same reaction about 30 seconds later with Tommy. Those boys are what bring light to my day and meaning to my life here.

Welll I was thinking I haven't posted a picture in a while; I like to do that so you can actually see the people/places I'm talking about, so I found one that was recent that has some friends in it. This was taken at Vicky's Sweet Sixteen party almost 2 weeks ago, and in the picture it's Michelle, me, Cynthia, Koreen, and Valia (Vicky's sister) These are the girls taht I went out with on my birthday, as well as to Karaoke with on Halloween night - a lot of fun!

Thanksgiving Week Already??

2009-11-22T21:40:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting in my usual Sunday morning spot – at Starbucks, sipping on my venti bold. And I'm happy to report, finally, that yesterday was a success. That does not mean it was easy, stress-free, or not filled with ed-related thoughts, but, a success. So I'll look past all of the mental crud that came with it and focus on the fact that there was no symptom use. Something definitely worth being thankful for. I feel like I slept better than I have in weeks, going to bed proud, and waking up without feeling faint or sick. A perfect start to what hopefully will be a good week, an improvement from last week.

It's gorgeous out again today; not quite as warm as last weekend, but still around 60 degrees. I can't believe that the holidays are here, with Thanksgiving being this Thursday. My first Thanksgiving away from my family. I shouldn't even start with that...i'll be moping as I say it for every holiday that rolls around. But for the two major ones that are coming up, those are especially about family – so it's going to be really difficult to be away from mine. I keep telling myself that I have to grow up, I'm 21, and there's bound to be holidays here and there that won't be spent with them, but to have it be the first time, the two biggest holidays one right after the other, and during a time when I'm really struggling...well, bad timing I guess. It hasn't really contributed well to the fact that I've been pretty home sick lately. I don't even know if I want to call sometimes, because talking on the phone with my parents, Bogger, Peaches, or Abs almost makes me miss them more. I guess it's sort of set in that this isn't just a vacation or a get-away...I really live this far away from my family. But. I do have an amazing family here who have welcomed me with open arms. I feel just that with them – like family – so I am in the best situation I could be to go the holidays without my own. I'll actually be separated from my “immediate” family here on Thanksgiving day. Which probably just shows how comfortable I am with my extended family here. While Joe and Helen and the boys go to Joe's parents in Staten Island on Thursday, I'll be heading to Brooklyn to spend Thanksgiving Eve and Thanksgiving Day at John and Denise's with Costa, Vicky, Valia, GiaGia and Papou, as well as some close family friends. I'm sad that I won't be with the Rocco's, but we decided that with me being closer to Helen's side of the family, the Polyzos, and close friends with Vicky and Valia, it would make the most sense for me to spend the day with them. I've also spent a lot of time at their house in Brooklyn, so feeling comfortable and at home won't be an issue. We may even attempt to see the parade in Manhattan Thursday morning. I cannot believe the amount of firsts I've had here already in the three short months I've lived here – the Yankee game, the Yankee parade, countless times in Manhattan, and now the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's still unreal to me how I'm experiencing all of these things that seemed worlds away from my TV set in Iowa.

…I started this blog earlier today, but I never had time to post it, so I'll wrap it up now as I'm tucked into my bed for the night. I struggled today, as I usually do on the weekends, with getting in my meals. I guess I am just so excited about finally having a binge/purge/laxative free day, I don't want to go back to that. But with my all-or-nothing thinking, that always means one extreme or the other. In today's case, a banana, an apple, and 3 carrots. It's so hard to find middle ground, especially when I'm doing it on my own. I think if I were surrounded by people who were encouraging and directing, guiding me through my meals, I would feel safer to try – but when I'm alone and feel so insecure and unsafe, I'm scared to even attempt some sort of meal plan. But in order to get this all under control, I really need to learn to face my fears and do that. So...tomorrow's a new day. I hope I have the courage and strength to make it a good day.

Over-Acheiver

2009-11-21T11:52:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm posting as much as I was when I first started this blog, but I've decided distraction is key, so I'm pumping out yet another post. Of course, I could be catching up on homework, which I continually need to be doing, but that's boring, and who does school work on a Saturday anyways?

After yet another let-down last night, I've concluded that I have absolutely no power in this. (You're probably thinking...duh Leah, we've known that for a while now.) I have completely lost control, and my mind cannot decide whether I want to be sick or healthy, so I've decided that in order to keep going...in whatever direction that may be...I really just need to hand this over to the power greater than myself, or anything I'm fighting. I'm a very independent and self-sufficient person, so it's always been a struggle for me to do, but considering the place I'm at right now, I know I am not enough to get through this. In order to break this cycle, I need the strength of God to help me fight this. I've considered it, assumed it, and dismissed it...but now, I need it. It's not an option any more, it's not a last resort, it's not a back-up plan. It's my here and now. Because alone, I cannot do this any more. I cannot go every single day with this extreme of symptom use, and expect to keep living my day-to-day life outside of treatment. I seem to come back to this place often, realizing that I need to go to God for help. I'm hopeless, desperate, and broken beyond my own repair. It's incredible how every single time, he takes me back. He never turns me away, no matter how far I've strayed, or how long it takes for me to come back to him. His faithfulness...it's incredible. I struggle and fight until I've used up all of my resources and am at my last option, and he is still there for me. Even when I use him as that - my last option. It makes me sick to think that - that I will fight and try to handle things myself, doing things my own way, driving myself into the ground, without even thinking of turning to God until I find myself in so deep that I don't know where to begin to get out. But I cannot focus on my failure in doing that, only on my need to re-connect with God and accept his strength and support in getting me through each day, taking it day by day. I need to live by these words, so that I am reminded of God's strength in my weaknesses.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

So. In start of turning it over to God, I've got a banana, 2 apples, and 2 carrots marked down for the count as breakfast and lunch. Pure fruits and veggies, I realize, but I need to go with foods on my safety list for now. I have a family dinner tonight in Staten Island, and being that it will be filled with authentic Greek foods and desserts, I'm very uncomfortable with having any thing else beforehand. It makes no sense to me on how days when I binge and purge, I can eat literally thousands and thousands of calories, and not give two shits, but on binge/purge free days, every calorie is counted, every meal thought out, every portion measured. Being this cautious and picky is what often encourages the restricting and tempts the fasting, but being careless means risking a binge/purge, which I am not willing to do.

So. I'm hoping today ends better than most days. I just want one night where I go to bed satisfied. One night where I can fall asleep in peace, feeling accomplished about the day I was able to get through. I hope tonight is that night.

Insomniac...

2009-11-21T00:39:00.003-05:00

Well. Same shit, different day. We'll just say that much. I'm at that place I've talked about where I'm laying in bed, not wanting to sit in silence with my thoughts, so I'm going great lengths to keep my mind entertained. I ran across a blog survey, and I'm posting it. Just because. So, skip over this if you wish, but otherwise, you may learn a thing or two about me by reading it.

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
What a way to start off a survey...I'd say that's not possible.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
no

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Depending on the situation

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
yes

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
yes, I constantly have change from getting my daily Starbucks coffee

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
oh jeez...probably none of them. haha

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
yes

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Um...just the people I usually think about

10. Whats your most favorite car?
Anything Lexus. Love them. A Mercedes wouldn't kill me either I suppose.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
This summer when I flew home from Rhode Island in August. Most anticipated plane ride of my life.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
Alright sounds good. - probably my most used texting phrase fyi

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
um...their bone structure of their face...if that makes any sense...

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
my family and friends.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
finding a school to finish up at in Long Island.

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
I'm hoping the people I'd want to call would be there when I woke up...

17. How many kids do you want to have?
3

18. Would you make a good parent?
I would have been hesitant to answer this a couple months ago, but after all this nannying, I'm going to make a damn good parent.

19. Where was your profile picture taken?
On my computer

20. Whats your middle name?
Eve

21. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
When am I ever going to get out of this cycle with my eating disorder.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I would turn myself around before I went too far with my eating disorder.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
Abigail Jane

24. What are you wearing right now?
Sweatpants and a t-shirt

25. Righty or Lefty?
Righty

26. Best place to eat?
any place sushi

27. Favorite jeans?
I hate wearing jeans. But when I do...I guess I like American Eagle jeans.

28. Favorite animal?
leopard- just because I like the print :)

29. Favorite juice?
Orange Juice

30. Have you had chicken pox?
yes

31. Have you had a sore throat?
yes

32. Ever had a bar fight?
ha, no I try to stay out of those

33. Who knows you the best?
Erin Leigh

34. Shoe size?
7 1/2

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
No, though I tried to get them in first grade. I still want glasses...haha

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
I had a love/hate relationship with Pookie...mostly love.

37. Been to Mexico?
Never

38. Did you buy something today?
Yes...sweatshirts and fleece from American Eagle and birthday cards for mom, dad, and bogger.

39. Did you get sick today?
That's not a fair question for me. I'm sick...like...everyday.

40. Do you miss someone today?
My family.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No, unless debating with a 7 year old counts.

42. When is the last time you had a message?
About an hour ago

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
Me, currently

44. Last person to see you cry?
Um...my parents over skype? haha...people usually don't see me cry.

45. Who made you cry?
Stupid ed every time.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
Chelsea Lately. Hilarious

47. What are your plans for the weekend
Family dinner tomorrow night in Staten Island, church, working out, and homework.

48. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Sara

50. Is there anyone you'd say yes to if they asked you to marry them TODAY?
Derek Jeter, David Beckham, and possibly Prince William because I'd be O.K. with being a queen someday.

Not My Fault!

2009-11-20T13:03:00.003-05:00

Really. I promise. I've had hiatuses before...but this one is truly not my fault. A tragedy took place in the beginning of the week. One that, for a few seemingly endless days, completely turned my life upside down. My computer crashed. And I'm hardly being dramatic here - no Hotmail, no facebook, no blogging, no online classes, no Perez Hilton. I feel like I was living in a cave this past week, and am happy to have re-joined the world, via Internet.
So now that I'm back, and have a ridiculous list of school work assignments to be done, I'm obviously avoiding it by setting up my computer and catching up with e-mails and posts. I had to get a new hard drive system put in, so, though I unfortunately lost all of my data off my old system, I basically have a new computer. Lets just hope it lasts this time - I can't afford to go through that trauma again.

I shouldn't be bitching about not being able to post though, because I don't think you'd want to hear anything about the last 4 days of my life. Nothing positive came from it eating disorder wise, I can tell you that much. My 2 day count ended there. At 2 days. For some reason Sunday, I just wasn't able to make myself eat. I was scared of what would happen if I put anything in, afraid it would never end. So I avoided the entire situation by never starting. And I paid my dues by making up for it severely these last 4 days. Between the bingeing, purging, and laxatives, I could hardly keep track of which way it was coming out next. Not a fun filled 4 days. Today isn't really going much better. Technically I guess. For me - it's going great; fasting is always a vacation after what I've just been through. But I know that it's not what I should be doing right now; it's not the way out of this cycle. But believe me, if you were in my shoes these last few days, I think you'd be scared to put anything in your mouth too.

After all of that, I'm starting to think about the holidays that are coming up. I know I kept saying that I don't want this to affect my holidays, but it's apparent now that that is not really realistic. Thinking back on last year, I recall the holidays only to realize I don't really remember anything. I was so shut off and drowning, Thanksgiving and Christmas really are just a blur to me. When I think of it - the one prominent detail is that I was at my lowest weight around that time. Coincidence with the fact that I don't remember anything?? I think not. So why doesn't that stop me from still wanting that? Why do I still regularly plan to get myself back to that place, when I can look back now and realize how horrible it was to be there? I think it may be because now, even though I look healthy, I'm hardly in a healthier place. I actually feel more "sick" now than I did last year. One would hardly believe me if we held up pictures of then and now...but if you spent any one of the last 4 days going through what I just did, I don't think it would take long to convince you. So I don't know what this year's holidays will hold. I don't know how I'll be able to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas with families other than my own. I don't know how I'll be able to cope with the stress without the support of my closest family and friends. All I can hope for is that I'll look back next year, and recall good memories. Moments where I was happy and genuinely enjoying myself. I'm hoping that because of the situation I'll be in, surrounded by less familiar faces, different traditions, it will provide some distraction as to the place I'm at right now with my eating disorder.

It's hard to think of Christmas when it's 60 degrees here! It's a beautiful November day - so I'm going to go outside and enjoy it. I need to work through today, and hopefully next time you're filled in, it will be with more positive results.

2 Days and Counting

2009-11-15T12:20:00.001-05:00

It's close to Thanksgiving, so as we begin to think about what we're thankful for and what we've been blessed with...well, one stands prominent to me this morning. Starbucks. The Lord has blessed all of America with the simple creation of the Starbucks coffee shop franchise. Sunday mornings like this - sitting at the window seat with my steaming venti bold, watching people linger by, listening to the piano music droning on in the background, hearing the lull of conversation around me – mornings like this are my favorite. It's unseasonably warm out, almost 70 degrees, making my favorite sweater coat and black suede moccasin boots the perfect thing to wear on this beautiful November day. Icing on the cake, I've been binge/purge/laxative free for 2 days. Yes please.
So, in order to avoid dampening my pretty perfect morning, lets avoid talking about ed. Instead, we'll talk about Leah. Leah's life without ed. Which finally involves a new friendddd. OK, so I have friends here, yes. I've had people to go out and socialize with since the first weekend I've been here. Heck, I even have 3 or 4 dates chalked up. But I haven't found someone yet that I really feel like I have a real connection with. A friend that I am really excited to hang out with; someone that reminds me of one of my friends from home. Well, I think I've finally found one. I knew it would take time, hence the enormous amount of patience I've maintained, and hopefully it's paid off. I went to a Bible study that was offered through the church I attend Sunday mornings, the Vineyard, and while there I met a girl named Sara. We talked for a while, exchanged numbers, and talked about possibly meeting up this weekend. Last night we met up for dinner, which lead to coffee, which lead to going to her house in Long Beach and meeting her mom. She is such a sweet girl, and we really have a lot in common. It was so nice to finally just have some girl talk and feel comfortable...feel like a normal 21 year old girl. So, in the friend department, we've made progress.
I had some family time too this weekend, with Vicky's sweet sixteen being on Friday. (In case you forgot, Vicky is the boys' cousin in Brooklyn). Sweet sixteens here are not like they are at home. MTV's reality show “My Super Sweet Sixteen” is not a far cry from the parties here. For Vicky's party, Central was rented out, which is a club in Astoria. There was a DJ, catered food, and open bar. The club itself was incredible, completely classy with chandeliers and floral arrangements, but then a twist of modern with circles adorning the walls, white leather couches, and clear fiber chairs. Everyone got all dolled up, Vicky looked amazing, and it was a great night with the family. Valia and I stayed at the club when the party ended at 11, and we spent the rest of the night there with friends that came and met up with us. I stayed in Brooklyn that night, and the next morning spent hours at the breakfast table with John and Denise (Helen's sister and brother-in-law) and their friend Mary that was staying for the party. My blogs have been pretty ed-filled lately, so you may not realize the extent of how much I adore this family. John and Denise are so great; I've stayed over at their house for nights like this quite a few times, and they are always so welcoming. I love that I'm comfortable enough there to go downstairs by myself, in my pajamas, and just sit and talk with them for hours over coffee and bagels. So another blessing of mine – the family I've come into in New York.
Speaking of family, mine is in Nashville right now. Their first big road trip without me :(. I know the 14 hours there and 14 back would have been hell for me, I would have been miserable, and everyone would have wanted to shoot me just to quiet the bitching, but I still wish I could be there. I don't like that they're having this much of an amount of bonding time without me. I miss them so much. It's a weird feeling...not being homesick, but missing my family this much. Maybe a sign that they need to plan a relocation....:)
I better wrap this up and head to church. I'm trying to stay motivated, positive, and hope this day ends as well as it begins. And even if it doesn't, if I slip and fall, I hope I can pick myself back up. Because weekends like this, mornings like these, moments like now...I know what I want. And knowing what I want is the first step to getting there.

leah, leah, leah...

2009-11-10T13:51:00.005-05:00

After all of this time, all of the deception, everything learned...I still find myself falling into ed's traps, enticed by his games. I will never understand how someone with my common sense and GPA can be so stupid. My mind's a little groggy right now...it's been a long couple of days, so this post may be a bit unorganized.
I deal with some type of symptom use every day, but this weekend, after struggling with restricting and then a binge/purge on Saturday, I was fed up. When I was really struggling last year, living on my own, I would plan out the days I fasted. Since trying to recover, and then living with other people, I haven't done that considering I'm not able to predict the days I can get away with not eating. But knowing I'd be on my own for all meals on Sunday, I did just that. Planned to fast. And I did...until Monday night, when I knew I'd break it by eating dinner with the family. Fasting is something that's really frustrating to me now. Like any long period of cardio exercise, fasting requires endurance that is built over time. So knowing I was running 10 miles a day on an 8-9 day fast, but now finding a 2 day fast torturous makes me feel like a failure. I know, the wrong type of failure, but one nonetheless. With the knowledge that I had to eat dinner, I spent far too much time at the gym yesterday, in addition to a run around Merrick, leaving my body feeling like shit this morning. I struggled with whether or not to have breakfast, but could barely lift my head off the pillow, so I convinced myself to have an apple. My guilt brought me to Pilate's class, leaving me feeling weak, tired, and defeated. It's amazing how this is what I want when I'm struggling with bingeing and purging, but once I'm there, I hardly feel better than I do with my face in the toilet. After getting home I tried to convince myself to have a small lunch; my heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest. It's amazing how a couple of slices of ham and cheese can lead into a binge and purge. I knew it was coming from the fasting I'd done and restricting this morning, but knowing does nothing to comfort or lighten the situation. Though I'm beginning to struggle more with restricting, and the bingeing and purging is becoming less frequent, it's also getting more violent. Not only that, but I'm experiencing symptom uses that were never an issue before. It's getting out of hand. If my chest didn't hurt before convincing myself to have the ham and cheese, it's beyond pain now. The purging needs to stop. Obviously.

What will it take to finally be able to accept myself? How long am I going to put myself through this torture just because I'm not good enough for myself?

I've been in touch with Mary, my psychologist from home. Though e-mails are helpful, they will never be enough. She advised going back on my anti-depressants, so they're on their way here...hopefully. She's trying to find someone in my area for me to see, but I don't know if it's going to be enough. I'm starting to think that I may not be able to recover from this being as far from home as what I am. People not knowing about my eating disorder...it's a relief when I'm OK. It's a good thing when I just want to blend in and not have it be my identification. But when I'm struggling...when I can't break free from its grip; when I feel like my world is slipping through my fingers once again, it's damning. Without the support of my family and friends, the advising of Mary, the assistance of my doctor and nutritionist, I can't do this on my own. I've proven that over the last couple of months. It's beyond my control; I've reached my limits.

So what do I do now?
I don't know if anyone can answer that...I don't know if I even want the answer to that.

You are My Sunshine...

2009-11-06T00:01:00.005-05:00

We need a little ray of sunshine in this blog...it's obviously been a bit depressing lately. So, trying to completely avoid the topic of my eating disorder, I'm going to look at what I do love in my life. In the place where I've been the past few weeks, I don't see the blessings I have been given, and I need to literally make a list to remind myself. I need to remember what I do enjoy in life...and if it takes a post to do it, so be it. I'm stuck in a dark place, and unless I actually do something to change it, I'll stay here. So, I'm clawing my way out for tonight by forcing my thoughts on to lighter topics...bear with me...

My LoVeS
* family and friends - My greatest supports, the reason I've made it as far as I have
* smell of lilacs - Reminds me of my childhood (I feel so old using that word), my house on Pleasant Court in Sheldon had a massive lilac bush...I will never smell the scent without thinking of that
* coffee - It runs through my veins, plain and simple
* Christmas music - I love the holidays in general, and I believe it's defined by the music that comes with it. There's nothing quite as soothing to me as hearing it play softly in the background of wherever I am
* naps - Sleep is my only real escape when reality is too hard to face, and having the option during the day is only that much better
* running (when I'm in control) - one of my biggest struggles with my eating disorder (I knew it would make its way into the post somehow...) but it is my main channel for all of my emotions. My thoughts pound out with my feet hitting the pavement, and it's when I feel really connected with myself, alone with myself
* candles - It's not only the smell, the warmth, or the glow of the fire, but the comfort and familiarity of my mom having a candle constantly lit in my kitchen. My piece of home that I am able to carry with me
* books - I'm an English major, so this one is practically required, but reading has always been an escape for me. To be indulged in a book, completely engulfed in a world far from my own...it's still magical, even at 21
* school - I'm a nerd at heart. I love learning, I love classes, I love fall just for the beginning of the school year. My education is important to me, and though my college career has been disheveled and unconventional, school has always been a priority.

~ I love rainy days when I can stay inside, cuddling under my blankets in bed sipping hot cinnamon apple tea and reading. I get oddly excited when, like this past Wednesday, I'm handed my first "holiday" cup at Starbucks...as if getting handed my coffee couldn't be welcomed enough, it's now packaged in Christmas cheer. I love it when the boys look at me with their big, brown eyes, so naive and innocent, tell me they love me, and call me their sister. If I ever get a feeling labeled "warm and fuzzy"...that would be when. I love fires in old fashioned fire places, any type of seasonal/holiday decoration in homes, the Yankees (and my husband, shortstop Derek Jeter), wearing my scarves Grammy knit for me, the change of seasons, and driving with the windows down. When I'm able to force myself to, I love waking up early, before any one else is up, and have time to be quiet with myself.
More than anything...I love my family. They love me unconditionally, support me endlessly, and comfort me daily. There is nothing in this world that compares to the way I feel about my family.
I love forcing Abby to let me sit in her chair just as an excuse to cuddle with her, blatantly tell Peaches to cuddle with me, and hugging Bogger as he pats my back, secretly wanting to cuddle with me :) My mom and I are endlessly similar, and that somehow is intertwined with how we seem to fit perfectly in an embrace...there's nothing as comforting as a hug from your mom. Just as there is nothing more secure than having my daddy wrap me in his arms. When he does, just in that moment, I feel as if I have a shield fending off any evil that would affect me otherwise. Briefly, nothing can hurt me, no harm can be done to me, I'm safe.

I have so much to be thankful for. A life that one could even be envious of, except for one looming detail. A detail that is great enough to suck all of the joy out of all I have listed. How could such a force be possible...how can it be fought? I don't hold the answer to that...but I do hold on to my list. Much is uncertain, but what I love is true, and it gives me hope. The hope that I need to keep going through my struggles. Hope that one day this list will be untainted with the existence of e.d...and added on to with an abundance of more loves to be discovered.

No More Pussy-Posts

2009-11-04T22:29:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've actually posted...and I'm still not really sure where this one is going to go, but I figured I'd give it a shot. Most of this is based on the fact that I don't really have anything better to do tonight, so, sorry for settling, but this will hopefully entertain me for a while.

Since I've been pussying out lately posting pictures and song lyrics, I should probably man up and share some of what's actually going on inside of my head. I guess I've been avoiding this lately, not because I don't know what to write, but more because I don't really want to share. I hate letting people down and being a disappointment, and I feel that lately, that's all I've really done. Not only am I scared of doing that in my posting, I'm scared of what your reaction will be. I don't want people to worry or stress over me, and I'm afraid telling you what's really going on in my head will only encourage that. I don't want you thinking I'm self absorbed, dramatic, or seeking attention...this is just my reality. I know how it sounds, hence my resistance to posting. But after these last few weeks, I've realized that by not sharing...I have nothing to post. So, share I will. I'm hoping that because of my lack of posts, people have stopped reading this. That way, I can still feel accomplished in the fact that I've opened up, and less are affected by what I'm about to say. Because I know now it will be a far cry from hopeful.

There are framed pictures scattered around my room, reminding me of loved ones hundreds of miles away from me. My pictures always come with me; they provide comfort and security when I'm feeling lost and alone. Erin, B and I are blown up in a black and white 8x10 on my dresser, my family picture sets next to books on my windowsill, all of my siblings are displayed on my nightstand, my mommy and me next to my jewelry. Baby Carlee is framed on another windowsill, and another one with me and her on my dresser. A second black and white 8x10, my favorite of daddy and me, rests on a shelf, joined by a wallet size of my parents. While all of these photos are recent, there is one that is more dated. A photo that has been displayed in the same frame since being developed, at the end of my freshman year of high school. It's a close up picture of Erin and I, during one of our breaks outside of Unity. Initially, the photo was framed because of the fact that it turned out well, and every girl has a framed picture with her best friend. Erin and I have taken hundreds of pictures together over the years, but this one is the one that stays with me. My reasons for keeping this picture on display have changed since first framing it. It's still a good picture of us, and she's still my best friend, but it means more to me now. Looking at this particular picture reminds me of who Leah is. The Leah in this picture is happy. She has no worries concerning her body or her image. She's content with who she is, and confident in the person she has become. She's the girl everyone remembers. And she's the girl I pretend to be. The girl I have lost, and search endlessly for day after day. This picture is the last I have of where Leah is really happy with herself. Where she isn't plagued by thoughts of her looks and body. I believe that the girl in the photo is beautiful. Not only because of who she is the very moment it was taken, but because she's not me.

This has gone too far. Though I maintain a healthy weight and look "normal", I don't know if I've ever been deeper in my eating disorder. I'm scared, not only because I know I can't turn this around on my own, but because I don't know how much further it can go. How much further my body can go. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm familiar with my e.d.; I know all twists and turns, facts and figures, patterns and cycles. Which includes my limits. I've been pushing it for quite some time, and I don't know how much longer I can hold out until I reach it. And then what? I don't know. What happens then? I couldn't tell you if I wanted to.
I always say this is no way to live. But I know no other way to live. And honestly, I don't know if there is a way out of this for me to live. I don't think I have a choice any more. I don't want to live like this. I can't live like this any longer.

Do you know what it's like to wake up disappointed every morning? every. morning. Because my prayer from the night before, it didn't happen. My request wasn't fulfilled. Once again, denied by the big man upstairs. I woke up. So I get up, live my day, putting up with my shit throughout it all, and hope my prayer is different that night. It hardly ever is.

Pictures

2009-10-30T00:51:00.007-04:00

The only reason I'm posting is to let you know I have not abandoned my blog. I simply don't know what to say anymore. I look back at posts where I was encouraged and positive, wanting recovery and seeing progress made...and I wish I could be back in that place. I wish I remember what that felt like, to know I was headed in the right direction, to feel in control. Now, I don't think I'm even strong enough to begin to find my way back to that. I'm so consumed, so overwhelmed, I don't even know where to begin.

I keep erasing everything I write because my thoughts are so tangled in my head, nothing makes sense on black and white. I'm letting my pictures talk for me....sorry for the lack of creativity, but as of now, there are no words...